"the MSE program" - I was waitlisted for UC Davis

This is the information I have - Only the initial application and waitlist statement may be considered in making admission decisions. The waitlist statement must be 200 words. Briefly tell us why you feel UC Davis is the right place for you to continue your education. Here is what I was thinking:

I am honored and excited to be considered as a potential candidate for admission! UC Davis is my first choice of colleges to attend this fall and I am currently taking four AP classes in preparation. My strong subjects are math, physics and chemistry. I reviewed the sample cirriculum for the UCDavis MSE program that is posted on your website and it is a perfect fit.

I have visited the UC Davis campus several times and I love the feel of it. The college town atmosphere is great and I like the way the community and University support each other. Campus life is important to me. I grew up in a close knit community and I have always been involved with my high school and other extracurricular activities. I know I will feel right at home at UCD.

I became interested in materials science after I had been playing roller hockey for a while. I see the relationships between materials and their function; and the need to develop materials with greater strength and durability, while creating less weight. I see how this relationship affects us in everyday life. My plans are to help develop products that create easier, cheaper, and less wasteful and more energy efficient ways to get around. I know I can do this and I'm ready to get started.

It is actually 223 words. I may need to cut a few....

When I look at the first few sentences, I am trying to pay attention to the thoughts you plant in the reader's mind and whether they are the most useful thoughts to plant: I am honored and excited to be considered as a potential candidate for admission to the University of California, Davis. My mother is an alumnus ----- So far, I don't see any thought being shared that makes me inspired to look on you favorably. People favor students with a clear plan and students with a lot of enthusiasm. That is the key.

So...
of UC Davis and your campus is my first choice of Universities to attend. The reputation of the MSE program at UC Davis precedes itself and it would be fantastic to be a part of it.

I would like to take this opportunity to assure you... much lighter academic load than I have.

This is the first impressive part:
I am taking four AP classes this year. ----Very good, there is no way to argue with this as evidence of your seriousness.

But I'll cut this because it "goes without saying."------>which is a testament to my academic commitment and makes a statement as to the student that I am.

I am also continuing to excel in my extracurricular activities. I am Captain of my high school roller hockey team and I recently tried out and was selected to play on a hockey team representing the state of California that will compete in an interstate hockey tournament. -----Very good, but if you mention this you need to make it somehow relate to the main theme of the essay. And what is the main theme of the essay? What is the word that comes to mind for the reader after seeing this? You do not seem to have a vision for the future. If you read a lot and pursue a lot of interests, you will have a lot of career ideas, and this essay will be about your career ideas, at least a little.

Establish a theme, express a possible career plan (even though you might change the plan later). Show that you are a "man on a mission," a really determined person with a vision for the future.

:-)

The next step is to go give other people your ideas and ask them to look at this thread in return. If you don't collaborate with the other students, I have to do all the work! :-)


Great enthusiasm, but no meaning. Add one special word to this sentence and it will become distinct. Do you know what I mean? One unexpected word.


This is a powerful part of the essay. I wish it was expressed closer to the beginning. You don't need the second paragraph... I think you could condense it into one good sentence that sums up the idea. I would like it if the first paragraph and third paragraph were not interrupted by that middle paragraph.

Ha ha... I hope that makes sense...