'This multifarious culture' How will your culture and religion contribute to Rutgers?

I would like to start off by saying this is my first ever college essay, and I worked really hard. Whoever edits this, please be as helpful as you can be. Thank you.

"The vivid diversity of Rutgers University shows the limelight of society at its peak. The variety of ethnicities not only creates a learning environment much better but it helps individuals like me interact with others with grace and empathy. My contribution to the diversity of Rutgers will consist of my heritage and devotion to my nation, which is Pakistan. Throughout high school in my years in Pakistan and in the United States, I always embraced my Pakistani background. I did not have any trouble grasping the basic morals and ethics my religon teaches, and to this day I work hard and I am a vigorous member of the Muslim community. To enhance my knowledge of Islam, I took part and became a member of the Muslim Federation of New Jersey. To this day, I go to Saturday classes where the elderly scholars enhance our knowledge of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). I performed my community service at the Muslim Federation Center, where I helped elders with their food, clothing, and I also organized various activities for the youth. Throughout the experience, I tried not to get my ego get the best of me, and I will always listen to the wise teachers. My understanding with the Pakistani culture, religion, ethics, and arts would be a outstanding addition to the Rutgers community.

This multifarious culture I mention can benefit me to a tremendous extent; my zest for other religons, cultures and languages can be revamped through the community at Rutgers University. My wish is to always be a responsible member of society, to assimilate my self with all other religion's and Islam itself."

"Even though I am not as acquainted as I should be with my religion or culture, I worked strenuously to benefit others."

Take out this sentence: "My understanding with the Pakistani and American culture/background would be a outstanding inclusion to the Rutgers community."
It is a bit pretentious and a little too direct.

Thanks sushilife!

The variety of ethnicities not only creates a rich learning environment,much better but it also helps individuals like me interact with others with grace and empathy.---Nicely said!

Throughout high school during my years in Pakistan and in the United States, I've always embraced my Pakistani heritage .

I did not have any trouble grasping the basic morals and ethics my religon teaches, and to this day I work hard and I am a vigorous member of the Muslim community.

Throughout this experience, I tried not to get my ego get the best of me, and I will always listen to the wise teachers.

My understanding of the Pakistani culture, religion, ethics, and arts would be a outstanding addition to the Rutgers community.

This is excellent! Good luck in school and have fun!!

:)

Ok, there were a few gramatical errors and lapses i found, so instead of pointing each one out i thought it would be easier to show you...

'The abundant learning enviornment of Rutgers University directly reflects a vibrant, diverse community at its finest. [or peak]

The multiplicity of ethnicities not only creates a rich learning environment, but also helps individuals--similar to myself-- interact with others with grace and empathy.

My contribution to the diversity of Rutgers will consist of the heritage and ancestry of my two nations, the U.S and Pakistan. During my years in Pakistan and in the United States, I have always embraced my background, whole heartedly. Tribulations in grasping the basic morals and ethics of my culture were very few. To this day i am a vigorously hardworking member of the community i represent.

To enhance my knowledge of my religion and culture, became a member of the Muslim Federation of New Jersey.
When joining the Muslim Federation of New Jersey, i found a new depth of knowledge and appreciation for the Muslim religion, as well as, learned to serve my community. I performed my community service at the Federation, where I helped elders with their food, clothing, and I also organized various activities for the youth. In my quest to help others, I unlocked great leadership abilities, and a deeper knowledge of my religion.

This multifarious culture I mention can benefit others to a tremendous extent; my willingness to share my culture--religion, language, and customs-- and my zest to learn about other cultures can contribute a better understandingof the Muslim people to the diverse community at Rutgers University.

[In my opinion, Rutgers University with its reputation, will give me a opportunity to excel in my endeavors. I have always dreamed to be a responsible member of society, and to assimilate my self with other cultures."]

these are just a few things i saw.