I may have gone a bit too personal with this personal essay so any feedback on the structure of the paper would be key.
Prompt: Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
---------------------
I used to have a strange outlook on life and on reality in general. Like many others thrust into single parenting, I had a rough childhood. There were days where I would feel secluded, as if on an island in the middle of the ocean. I would strum my guitar during the middle of the night, and play quietly enough for no one to hear me. Yet my emotions and my troubles would never have me resort to drugs or alcohol. Rather than abusing substances and deteriorating my health, I abused music and obsessed over it. Every now and then, I would go to my best friend's house and practice on his Steinway grand piano. Andre always had the material objects that I couldn't afford, but he was caring enough to share them with me. I still have many fond memories of playing duets with him on that beautiful piano and constantly keeping my mind focused on the elegance that is music. One day after school, however, my outlook on people and even on music changed forever.
...
Hi,
I really enjoyed your interpretation of drug abuse - you took what could have been a cliche subject and but your own personal touch on it creating a completely unique and creative essay.
Additionally I believe because you relate your personal experiences (with music and andre) to a bigger subject that is of such a large scope that you have no reason to worry about the topic being overly personal - especially being that college essays are supposed to represent you and the prompt allows for a personal issue.
On the essay in specific:
"like many others thrust into single parenting" This sentence is unclear - are you a single parent? Are you the child of a single parent? You should either clarify this statement, or you could remove it completely.
"I used to have a strange outlook on life and on reality in general." Though this may be true it is generally beneficial to keep a positive tone, so you may want to start your essay with one of your better qualities like your musical talent and how you used that talent to keep a steady outlook on life in spite of your originally strange outlook
Also your note on Andres fall into heavier drugs and positive journey to rehab might be better suited at the end of paragraph 2 to complete your experience with the influence of drugs on someone you cared about.
Good luck, I really enjoyed your personal interpretation of drug abuse through music
Thank you so much for the advice! I came back to reread my paper after letting it "settle" and I completely agree with you. I'll re-post any changes made. Again, thank you for the input :)
Here is my revised copy:
--------------
Despite the many challenges I faced while aging into maturity, I always managed to keep a steady outlook on life through my passion for music. Like many nurtured under the care of a single parent, my childhood was rough. There were days where I would feel secluded, as if on an island in the middle of the ocean. I would strum my guitar during the middle of the night, and play quietly so no one could hear me. Yet my emotions and my troubles would never have me resort to drugs or alcohol. Rather than abusing substances and deteriorating my health, I abused music and obsessed over it. Every now and then, I would go to my best friend's house and practice on his Steinway grand piano. Andre always had the material objects that I couldn't afford, but he was caring enough to share them with me. I still have many fond memories of playing duets with him on that beautiful piano and constantly keeping my mind focused on the elegance that is music. One day after school, however, my outlook on people and even on music changed forever.
I was heading towards the back parking lot next to the school, when I saw Andre talking to some shady-looking characters on the street corner. I approached him but he shoved me off and told me to meet him at his house in a half hour. Being naive and a bit flustered, I agreed anyway and thought about what he was doing as I walked away. I suppose that it is only through experience that one learns what a drug deal looks like. As I approached Andre's house, I heard constant laughter and the roar of a large screen projector in the living room. I entered and saw Andre and many of my friends watching TV and laughing over some sitcom. I presumed it was a get-together and I joined in merrily. As I sat down, I noticed a peculiar, sweet scent permeating throughout the room. I was unaware of what the smell was at the time, but I decided to ignore it and simply ask what Andre was doing so secretively by the school. The moment I did, however, all my friends burst out in laughter as Andre handed me a joint to smoke. Shocked by his proposal, I refused and left shortly after, reflecting on the situation for days. That was the first time I that I saw the influence of drugs on someone that I cared about. I tried to avoid Andre for the next few months, checking in when needed, but all I had learned was that he had taken a turn for the worse. Many of our friends began to worry for Andre's well-being as he shifted towards dangerous substances like methamphetamines. After many stressful hours of conversation and arguments over his decision making, Andre finally admitted to his addictions. Almost eight months after the initial encounter with marijuana, Andre was finally ready to recover.
Throughout the experience, my ideas about music and the musicians that inspired me began to alter. My curiosity beckoned me and I asked myself, "What about marijuana made Andre and other musicians like him abuse it and equate it to the enjoyment that music offered?" Although I never actually fed my curiosity, I did find the answers to my questions about drugs. These substances are an escape from the perils of reality and they can be used to make everyday life feel more enjoyable. Andre used to tell me how playing the piano was a completely different experience when he was drunk or high and, although I didn't agree with his decision to take such substances, I did find the reasoning behind why he did them. When playing music, especially in front of others, the challenge is in finding the creativity and propelling it in the right direction to create the style that is personal to the individual. When someone is incoherent because of substance abuse, the pressures of this creativity are removed from the equation and one will feel as if he/she is playing a masterpiece. However, this enjoyment is only for the ones that are blinded by the drugs and, in reality, the outcomes of these substances can cause the quality of their health and their music to suffer.
Substance abuse has been a growing issue with teenage youths and is still projected to cause nearly a quarter of all deaths in America. The influences of these substances have cost me more than just my perceptions of music but they have also taken many of my dearest friends away from me. Some may argue that drugs such as marijuana have very little or no health risks at all. Regardless of their repercussions, it is still undeniable that marijuana is a "gateway" drug and can easily cause the user to expand towards other, more dangerous substances. For Andre, what started out as a small dose of marijuana and drinking on the side, turned into heavy uses of ecstasy and amphetamines. I think it is important to inform youths at an early age about the effects of substance abuse and to take heavier precautions in reducing the methods from which teenagers can get the substances. Andre had finally decided to seek help for his addictions. He talked to his parents about his substance abuse and they went to the clinic together. I'm proud to say that Andre, my friend, has fought his addictions and can enjoy his musical passion independently, without the aid of drugs or alcohol.
I actually like the way you left the conclusion better than what I had suggested, it looks really good, I read some of your other essays and you a show a unique point of view from an interesting life - good luck getting into UT!
Thank you! I really appreciate what you've said :)
There were days where I would feel secluded, as if on
Here is a sentence that would be better with a comma, and every compound sentence should have a comma before the conjunction:
These substances are an escape from the perils of reality, and they can be used to make everyday life feel more enjoyable.
...finding the creativity and propelling it in the right direction to create the style that is personal to the individual. ---excellent insight here. Yes, you are sharing a state of mind when you play music. When you play, if you are in a bad state of mind you transmit that.
However, this enjoyment is only for the ones that are blinded by the drugs ----This is not entirely true, because a lot of the most popular musicians of all times were messed up on various substances. So it might be good to reword this sentence.
I'm proud to say that Andre, my friend, has fought his addictions and can enjoy his musical passion independently, without the aid of drugs or alcohol.----This is cool, but is it really the main idea of your essay? It seems like the essay is all about him and your resistance of the temptation to try drugs. But I think you should add a dimension to the theme, because it will be easy to add a "theme" that the reader will remember... for example, it is great if you have SUCH a strong desire to achieve a particular goal that you did not want to waste energy and brain cells on drugs.
:-)
