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naive child, big world UC Prompt 2



macbookpro 2 / 3  
Nov 14, 2010   #1
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

I started American school - second grade - at the age of 7, insubstantially armed with a modicum of two words (please and thank-you) yet contained a powerful weapon; the Spanish I grew up with. I was petrified as I pulled my feet out of the rusty car and stepped onto the premises of Blackford Elementary School. My heart raced uncontrollably and my eyes drowned in a pool of tears. I stood, confused and helpless, in the midst of a stampede surrounded by countless incomparable faces. I swallowed the lump in my throat and wiped the tears from my eyes as I found my classroom. I entered the first day to my new life, room 12.

My family left everything in Mexico arriving in America with nothing but three expensive, bodiless phenomena: love, dedication, and support. I didn't live off of food and water but rather fed from the three substances, which motivated me everyday, especially on my first day at Blackford; I entered room 12, a colorful room filled with groups of desks, posters, whiteboards and computers, all of which I didn't know existed. Ms. Matheson asked my name as I sobbed, yet no response came from my mouth due to my insufficiency of English; therefore, I was seated next to Crystal Dimas, the only bilingual (Spanish and English) girl in the class, the only friend I made that day.

Everyday that passed, my thirst for expanding my knowledge of English intensified. I watched cartoons in English, persistently practiced talking in front of the mirror, and read books; thus, my English fluency drastically improved within a year. Being equipped now with English, I was capable of not only comprehending words coming from Ms. Matheson, but also phrases and paragraphs coming from everyone! I no longer felt like an outsider but rather a native, an American.

Being exposed to multiple tongues and nationalities, my curiosity for languages initiated. I look back at the first day of elementary school and learn from my paramount accomplishment; I managed to learn a language within a year. Not only am I bilingual and bicultural, but also transforming into a multilingual person. Spanish once used to be my only weapon in this alien country but now contain two more: English and Italian.

donrocks 5 / 120  
Nov 21, 2010   #2
Enrique... Hi!
I would not agree with this essay.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and wiped the tears from my eyes as I found my classroom. I entered the first day to my new life, room 12.

Are you going for war?? This is a admission essay... your essay to say that you are an ideal person for their academic curriculum, campus and a person who will be more than just a student. So, this essay fulfills none of the above checklists. Now, problem here that okay its a challenge but is that how you take a challenge?! Even if you were scared then you don't admit it. There are no rewards for honesty here... be smart.

Also, look at Para 1,2,3,4....no connections. No linking lines or a flow. It is very jerky essay. Where are you in the essay?

how does it relate to the person you are?

Just by saying its your greatest strength you can't wrap it up. Can you? I mean if there was another person with same qualifications then what? So, sound more sensible.... talk about the major you are opting for... ( Is it a language major you are applying for... if yes,that can be used for connection.) Add a line or so, about some award in writing or something you received in English or Italian to show your command and commitment to work.

I hope you get the drift. Post up a new draft and we'll work on it more.
Hope this helps.... :)


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