the name "The Matrix" - Why CMU? Essay

Hello everyone! I'm in my final year and I see Carnegie Mellon as my top choice and this is my supplement essay. I feel I can somehow write more about my web design exploits, programming expertise, robotics national-level olympiad(team programmer), however I just don't know where to fit more in. I figure an outside point of view can help indicate what seems necessary and what isn't :)

The question is : Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.

Thanks in advance!
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When one hears the name "The Matrix", one sees a different image depending on the type of person one is. Biologists see tissue, scientists see arrays of numbers, and some see Keanu Reeves. I see green lines of code.

My fascination with code began when my cousin showed me a demo of a website that he had been working on. It was a simple webmail client, one that he called 'Matrix Mail'. True to its name, the background of the page was the iconic image of green lines of falling code. My cousin showed me the website to feel proud of him, but I felt something else instead.

A surge of creativity ran through me. I realized that with the help of programming, I could create anything I wanted. I suddenly envisioned myself as a harbinger of change, someone who would shape the world into something far greater, and I realized that programming was the perfect instrument to bring about any change because of the limitless possibilities that could be achieved with it. I love to experiment and to explore different possibilities, a passion that has been heightened with programming. This same passion is what attracted me to Carnegie Mellon.

Carnegie Mellon's School of Computer Science's flexible approach to education where a student studying Computer Science also has the opportunity to explore interests in other fields allows prospective students such as myself access to an unprecedented kind of multidimensional learning. Such interlinked education is perfect for me, as I am interested in pursuing an active role in a field of creative expression through interactive media, such as game development; however, at the same time, I will always have the option to explore other fields thanks to the school's varied education offerings.

The School of Computer Science greatly identifies with something I personally believe in: "Computer Science is more than number and code". The institution acknowledges and integrates into its curriculum the fact that Computer Science complements various other fields, potentially giving one the ability to take on any challenge with a Carnegie degree.

As the School Captain of my alma mater, I believe that Carnegie Mellon can amplify my sense of leadership and vision and lead me to peaks previously unexplored.

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Hello,

You do not talk about anything you have done with computers. The prompt clearly states "talk about relevant experiences/plans." Without any relative experience your talk about how Computer Science is your life will just be hogwash!

Wow...
I don't have anything to add to this, except that this really is, great.
job well done.!

There is nothing wrong with your essay, per se, but you might wish to consider more specific detail about your interest in Carnegie Mellon (i.e., show don't tell).

What you've written in regards to CMU has a brochure-ish feel to it (e.g., multidimensional learning, interlinked education, interactive media). Perhaps talk about the work of a specific professor or an alumnus you respect or what impressed you about the campus (if you visited). In essence, talk from the heart about why SPECIFICALLY you want to attend CMU. You want the admissions people to feel your excitement.

Hi,

I think you should still keep this line: /When one hears the name "The Matrix", one sees a different image depending on the type of person one is. Biologists see tissue, scientists see arrays of numbers, and some see Keanu Reeves. I see green lines of code/.

I really liked it and it's a great, unique way to open up your essay. I agree with people talking about "specifics." Be as specific as you can, and show your passion.

Hi,

I also think you should keep the first line in the earlier version of your essay. I found you essay insightful enough. However, I think you revise it and check for errors very well:

In the fourth line of the second paragraph, "At the same time, I have an extraordinary in robotics as well..."