Hi, I would love to hear what you think about this short essay :)
Prompt: Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.
Hi. My name is Sae Buck Lim Won but you can call me Aurora. Aurora is the translation in Spanish of my first name "Sae Buck" which refers to the first lights of the sun showing off in the morning. Did you know that every "Sae Bucks" are different? Most of the days they just show a slight change, however, some days they show significant changes. These changes could be anything: color, pattern or density. Aurora's symbols are passion and peace.
My name is what best describe me. I like both, the two extreme sides of one thing. As we are going to share a room together, I will do my best in trying both, to keep privacy and to also share everything with you. I also love changes of environment. If you think I am a little whimsy, then you are not wrong at all. What kind of person are you?
Aurora also is the name of the sleeping beauty. When concentrated in one thing, I don't like being disturbed and keep hours and hours working on it. And usually, it's not sleeping. I like listening to music and to people talking. Hope you enjoy listening too because I also like talking. Actually, I talk too much sometimes.
I told you about the essence of my personality. Time will show us the other details about our likes and dislikes. You, my roommate, were the most important part of my ideal campus life. As we are sharing a space together, I hope us to make a good combination to live together. I am sure we are going to find a way to harmony. Now, it's your turn to tell me about your name and yourself. I would love to hear from you.
"Aurora also is the name of the sleeping beauty. When concentrated in one thing, I don't like being disturbed and keep hours and hours working on it. And usually, it's not sleeping. I like listening to music and to people talking."
This is a very disjointed sentence. Lacks flow. The reference to Sleeping Beauty is vague --- even though you say "usually it's not sleeping", the sentence in the middle (when concentrated ... working on it") makes the reference very confusing.
You end the first para by referring to changes in density/pattern and passion/peace, and start the second para by saying the name describes you well. You should elaborate on this further because you seem to be describing the sunrays, not yourself.
Perhaps you should cut out on the "now it's your turn" thing and talk more on how you are excited to meet your roommate in the future -- and tons of other people at the college -- and how you hope to mix in with culturally different people. That shows a more outgoing and friendly personality, because you come across as a rather shy girl in this essay.
There are a few grammatical mistakes that you should get corrected by your English teacher. Overall, I think it's a good essay :) Just tweak it here and there and you'll be good to go! :3
thank you MNJ! After reading your comment, I tried to start my essay in a different point of view.. Would you review it again please?
Nice to meet you! I am Sae Buck (don't worry if you can't pronounce it, you can call me Aurora) and I am your future roommate! Do you spend time imaging yourself in campus? I do, and one of the most important parts of my ideal campus life is you. But don't feel burdensome; I am just so excited about having a roommate.
Let me introduce myself. More than half of my day is accompanied with music. I love k-pop and Korean idol groups such as 2NE1 and SHINee. I also like classical music, especially those of the baroque era, and also ballad. I don't like movies but I do like reading every genre of books. I also like sports, my favorite sport is basketball. I remember that I started playing basketball when I heard that this sport will help me to become taller, which never happened to me (I am 153 cm short). I am absolutely not good in giving advises but I've been told that I am a good listener. I hope you like listening too, because I talk a lot, too much sometimes. I don't like animals and never had a pet. But I think that having a mascot for our room will be a good idea. I like outdoor sports but I also enjoy being indoors. A couch, a notebook, a pencil, my diary and a drink are my must-haves in time of study or work.
As we are going to live together, I think this is a great opportunity to share things, enjoy together and to rely to each other. I am going from a little country of South America called Paraguay and feeling as home in the campus may take me a few weeks. I hope I could be of help to get involved within the people and vice versa.
