National Honor Society member- U Florida / Student responsibility, academic integrity

Hello! I am applying to college, and I would like to know if you have any suggestions for my entrance essay, which is below. I would also like to know if you have any suggestions for the word limit - my essay is approximately 430 words long. The topic is: "In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service."

This is my essay:

As I walked across the auditorium stage, I knew I had accomplished something spectacular. The plethora of monotonous forms that were required to be a member of this club were finally worth it, just as I had known they would be all along. Mrs. Craft, our advisor, called my name, and I was given the smallest trophey I will ever recieve: my first National Honor Society membership pin. It was my junior year at Treasure Coast High School, and I already felt as if I were on top of the world.

Although becoming a National Honor Society member is the highest achievement a student can earn, it is what you achieve before becoming a member that counts. To name a few requirements, a student must maintain a 3.5 unweighted or 4.0 weighted GPA, be an active and contributing member to society, have no negative discipline record whatsoever, and be a generally well-liked and helpful individual. Once you apply, the club's advisor checks your records to see if you fit this description and, if you make the cut, you are sent an invitation to the National Honor Society induction in the fall. No greater feeling has ever come over me than at that moment when I opened my letter of acceptance.

Being an active volunteer in my community because of National Honor Society has really changed my life. During my junior year of high school, I took part in several volunteer projects - all of which were just as entertaining as a trip to the movies, only more helpful to society. For example, after the earthquake in Haiti, the National Honor Society collected an emmense amount of donated goods for the victims and made them into "goodie-baskets," which we then sent to Haiti via airplane. These activites influenced me so deeply that I am now the proud President of this organization. This year, we plan on raising money for a family in our community that has a child with cancer. The members and myself have an exasperating amount of ideas that will lead to a weekend-long family vacation for this child's family.

It is not just a conscious decision to help others - everyone has an obligation to help those around them. The golden rule of life is not to treat others the way you would like to be treated, but rather to treat others better than you have been treated. The concept of "pay it forward" needs to be applied to every person's life if we are going to rise up against the evils of the world and make a change.

Well, did they not tell you how long it should be? If they did not tell you, they deserve to have to get phone calls from hundreds of students asking them how long it should be, so give them a ring! :-)

You should not have to wonder if it is too short or too long. They should tell you what they want. You could write 100 pages if that was what they wanted, but they should specify.

As I walked across the auditorium stage, I knew I had accomplished something spectacular. The plethora of monotonous----I think there should be a rule. You have to tell the reader some key piece of information about what the essay is about BEFORE using any big words. Let's not make the reader wrestle with plethora and monotonous... all these adjectives... until AFTER we give them an image of what is happening:

National Honor Society... junior year.--- These are the magic words that tell us what is happening. Can you put these sentences closer to the beginning of the essay? Give them these words to reveal what the essay is about, and that way they can appreciate the cool writing style you have in that first paragraph. We appreciate everything more when we know what is going on (just like when a song becomes familiar to you and you have it memorized and love to listen to it).

At the end of the essay, the theme is cheesy. If you want to use that theme, you should mention it in the beginning of the essay, too. But I think you need to make it more specific and unique in order to avoid cheesiness. I hope you don't mind me calling it cheesy; I write cheesily all the time.

Try to show that the decisions you made in high school were based on a philosophy of working hard to give as much as you can during this lifetime, and show that you are in the process of making a big splash in the world. Make it so that all your sentences are... sort of like... about the same main idea. Make it so that you introduce a great idea in the intro, and then the rest of the essay explains it.