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UF APP;student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship, call to service

jaynasbaldwin 1 / -  
Oct 27, 2013   #1
So i'm applying to UF and i want to know if my essay is okay. Any help and all opinions are welcome

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

" My sixth grade teacher was puked on by a student once already this year" was the first thought that ran through my mind when I was getting ready to step on the stage for the first time. I thought this as I peeked through a tiny hole in the black curtains of my community theater stage and saw him sitting on the far right of the front row. I was terrified and I really did not want to be the second student to puke on him. I was two songs away from sauntering on the stage and belting out " The Biggest Blame Fool" in front of a sold out audience. Although a myriad of people continued to reassure me, that I was going to " blow everyone away", I could not help but think the worst. What if I fell during our oh-so-very complicated dance number? What if my voiced cracked again like it did on the first day of rehearsal? I knew that all of these were unlikely, but against my better judgement , I pictured these traumatic scenes happening repeatedly in my mind. This could possibly be one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.

I felt as if my gold tunic was too tight and my fake eyelashes were becoming uncomfortable.There were so many things that could go wrong, but I couldn't just back out now. As the familiar melody of my signature song began, I took one last breath, put my head up, pushed my shoulders back, and sauntered my way to stage left.

When I sang my song I was still shaking, but with joy because I couldn't believe that i was actually doing it. No matter what risk I'm taking I always remember this moment. This memory helps me overcome the most intimidating obstacles.

To your campus I bring my risk taking personality. A characteristic that I take pride in. I can fight through the fear and do the things that others may be to afraid to do. I have a strong internal drive that pushes me to keep going. Although I may think of the "what ifs" I don't let it stop me from striving to do what needs to be done. I help others to see that finding the courage to jump over their hurdles will give them a feeling much more satisfying than walking away from there fears..

As I apply to this school I keep telling myself that this is my dream. And even though submitting this application fills me with the fear of rejection, I remember that I did walk on that stage and I made it without puking on my sixth teacher.
sthakur 2 / 22 7  
Oct 27, 2013   #2
I like your hook. It grabs attention. There are a few grammatical errors that you need to fix but besides that, I like it. Also, use intellectual vocabulary instead of cliche phrases like "I made it"
Lydmeister 6 / 17  
Oct 27, 2013   #3
Good essay topic! Fits the prompt well. Here's a couple things I noticed:

I don't know what your world limit is, but if possible I would try and make your anecdote a bit more vivid. Amp up the imagery if you can.

Certain phrases sound a little unnatural. Reread it a couple more times looking for parts that aren't as fluid as they could be.
Admissions might not want to hear that you keep "telling [yourself] that this is [your] dream". I know it isn't what you are trying to convey but it sounds as though you are trying to convince yourself. I would simply state that it is your dream very straightforwardly.

Good luck!

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