A personal and National Triumph

"We did it! We definitely did it! Oh my god, we are part of something! We really did it!" -My best friend and I standing in front of the screen, watching the results of October 2nd national plebiscite.

While most of Colombians complain every single day of the political and economic situation of our country, I decided to step out of the usual and do something for the place I´ve grown up in. Last summer, I was spending the afternoon with my best friend when we saw something that definitely changed our lives. It was former President, Alvaro Uribe Velez´ political party speaking with the people, answering whatever question they had and inviting them to inform themselves properly. We stopped to see what was happening, and it was what we had been looking for since the beginning of junior year; a way of getting into the youth branch of the political party. In order to accomplish it, a really nice volunteer gave us Senator Alfredo Ramos´ phone number. Without thinking it twice we called and arranged a meeting with him. The very next day we went exactly where we had been the day before and where our amazing summer adventure began. Our job was collecting signatures to support the party`s claim of unconstitutionality of the "Peace Legislative Act", which would have given president Santos the exact same special powers that were given to Hugo Chavez on November 7th 2000. This duty was hard, not only because we spent 2 months walking around Bogotá every day from 8 am to 6 pm, but because government has spent an unimaginable amount of money in order to convince society to support the peace treaty with terrorist group FARC, treaty that is described by Mary Anastasia O´Grady as a "trap".

After we were done collecting signatures, we began to campaign for the plebiscite. Campaign which was based on explaining all sectors of society the 297 pages, published by the government about a month and a half prior the voting day. Reason why I had to read it deeply in 3 days, in order keep up with the other volunteers. I had never felt more secure of myself. I can´t completely explain how this 5 months made me grow as a person. But I can surely say that October 2nd was the day I realized I was no longer a child. I had become a secure and strong young woman, who had made her way through a usually sexist field, who has a voice now and is able to explain her points of view with strong arguments.

By now, whoever is reading this essay might be asking himself why anyone would oppose to peace. The thing is, there´s no peace when the cocaine production has doubled in the past 6 years, nor when the conversations had been hosted in Cuba by the Castro regime, which has always been a military supplier of the Marxist guerrilla. What Colombians want is a real peace, in which justice isn´t replaced, arms are left aside are victims are economically repaired. This is why, after our long efforts, 83% of Colombians either voted no or abstained, as a symbol of their disagreement.

Since June 4th I've been part of the youth branch of the political party "Centro Democrático". We meet every Friday to discuss about the controversial issues that have happened during the week, as well as we have meetings with recognized political characters, such as the former president itself or senators, who teach us how to speak and express ourselves properly. Every week I learn new things and meet interesting people who have changed my way of thinking. Friday has become my favorite day of the week, but surely not because of the same reasons as most of teenagers but because I wake up every Saturday being a better person than the previous day.

I am not sure what prompt you are trying to answer at this point because you forgot to provide it. However, I can see that there are points where work can be done even without the prompt. So I would like to consider some comments. BTW, we still need you to provide the prompt so we can better analyze your work.

Juanita, consider reformatting your essay for content. Your beginning is not very clear. There is a lack of foundation for what you are talking about. If you reformat the essay in the following manner, I do believe that the story of what you are talking about could become clearer. Here Is what I am suggesting:

Par. 1: While most of Colombians complain every single day of the political and economic situation of our country ...
Par. 2: Since June 4th I've been part of the youth branch of the political party "Centro Democrático". ...
Par. 3: While most of Colombians complain every single day of the political and economic situation of our country...
Par. 4: Why anyone would oppose to peace?
Par. 5: After we were done collecting signatures...
Par. 6: "We did it! We definitely did it! Oh my god, we are part of something! We really did it!"

The idea behind the reformat is to create a more fluid conversation and connected thought process. I believe that this format will be the best way to tell your story. I hope you consider it. Again, we will await the the prompt from you.

Holt, thank you very much for your advise.
You wrote the exactly the same in par 1 and 3, could you doube check it? I´ll work on it, but aside of the structure, do you think I´m using the correct words and punctuation? This means a lot to me.

oh, btw, I chose prompt 5 of the common app essay:
Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

HI Juanita, sorry about that. I did not realize that I did it. Let me post the corrected version here:

Par. 1: While most of Colombians complain every single day of the political and economic situation of our country ...
Par. 2: Since June 4th I've been part of the youth branch of the political party "Centro Democrático". ...
Par. 3: Why anyone would oppose to peace?
Par .4: After we were done collecting signatures...
Par. 5: "We did it! We definitely did it! Oh my god, we are part of something! We really did it!"

The answer to your question is yes, your grammar throughout the essay is acceptable. That said, I would be remiss if I did not tell you that the essay can use some editing. Some paragraphs are longer than it should be at this point but I refrained from editing the length because you did not indicate that you needed that to be done. Yes again, your story definitely shows a transition from childhood to adulthood. In fact, it happened during a notable time in your country's history and you were instrumental in making it happen. So that will definitely work in your favor with the reviewer once he reads this paper.

Hello Holt, Thank you aonce again.

Is there any way I can make grammar better? I mean, you just said it is acceptable, but maybe acceptable isn´t enough.

I have to post it before Nov 1st, so I still have 2 or 3 days to come with the perfect version of my essay. I really liked the topic because it is defintely something that differentiates me from other people, but aside of the content itself, I would love it grammar and sentence structure could be better.

Btw, the essay should be 650 words max, which I think is the exact amount of words I wrote, haha.

Hey Juanita, we can definitely help you further improve the grammar of the essay, but first you need to make sure that the revisions are applied to your work and that there are no other changes to be made to the content of the essay. The word count of the essay is important, but not as important as the information that you have placed in it. Once you have completed the revisions and posted the new version of the essay, we can have a better idea regarding the parts that can be improved or edited to make the paper quicker to read and yet, still interesting to the reviewer. At the moment, I can't do anything for you. I can only jump in after you have done your part in terms of reformatting the content of the essay.

I was working on the structure and I think it might be clearer this way, but I´m not sure, I mean, I´m not a native speaker so your advice on this would be amazing.

Par. 1: While most of Colombians complain every single day of the political and economic situation of our country ...
Par. 2: Since June 4th I've been part of the youth branch of the political party "Centro Democrático". ...
Par. 3: After we were done collecting signatures...
Par .4: Why anyone would oppose to peace?
Par. 5: "We did it! We definitely did it! Oh my god, we are part of something! We really did it!"

I just changed par 3 and 4 because I think par 4 explains the consecuences of the campaign. So it might be clearer for someone who does not know about Colombia´s situation. I´ll leave the complete and structure corrected essay here, so you can read it and tell if it´s better than the original.

A Personal and National Triumph

While most of Colombians complain every single day of the political and economic situation of our country, I decided to step out of the usual and do something for the place I´ve grown up in. Last summer, I was spending an afternoon with my best friend when we saw something that definitely changed our lives. It was former President, Alvaro Uribe Velez´ political party speaking with the people, answering whatever question they had and inviting them to inform themselves properly. We stopped to see what was happening, which turned to be what we had been looking for since the beginning of junior year: a way of getting into the youth branch of the political party. In order to accomplish it, a really nice volunteer called Felix gave us Senator Alfredo Ramos´ phone number. Without thinking it twice, we called him and arranged a meeting. The very next day we went exactly where we had been the day before, the place where our amazing adventure began. Our job was collecting signatures to support the party`s claim of unconstitutionality of the "Peace Legislative Act", which would have given president Santos the exact same special powers that were given to Hugo Chavez on November 7th 2000. This duty was hard, not only because we spent 2 months walking around Bogotá every day from 8 am to 6 pm, but because government has spent an unimaginable amount of money in order to convince society of supporting the peace treaty with terrorist group FARC, treaty that is described by Mary Anastasia O´Grady as a "trap".

Since June 4th I've been part of the youth branch of the political party "Centro Democrático". We meet every Friday to discuss about the controversial issues that have happened during the week, as well as we have meetings with recognized political characters, such as the former president itself or senators, who teach us how to express ourselves properly. Every week I learn new things and meet interesting people who have changed my way of thinking. Friday has become my favorite day of the week, but surely not because of the same reasons as most of teenagers, but because I wake up every Saturday being a better person than the previous day.

After we were done collecting signatures, we began to campaign for the plebiscite. Campaign which was based on explaining all sectors of society the 297 pages, published by the government about a month and a half prior the voting day, reason why I had to read it deeply in 3 days, in order keep up with the other volunteers. I had never felt more secure of myself. I can´t completely explain how this 5 months made me grow as a person, but I can surely say that October 2nd was the day I realized I was no longer a child. I had become a secure and strong young woman, who had made her way through a usually sexist field, who has a voice now and is able to explain her points of view with strong arguments.

By now, whoever is reading this essay might be asking himself why anyone would oppose to peace. The thing is, there´s no peace when the cocaine production has doubled in the past 6 years, nor when the conversations are been hosted in Cuba by the Castro regime, which has always been a military supplier of the Marxist guerrilla. What Colombians want is a real peace, in which justice isn´t replaced, weapons are left aside are victims are economically repaired. This is why, after our long efforts, 83% of Colombians either voted no or abstained, as a symbol of their disagreement.

"We did it! We definitely did it! Oh my god, we are part of something! We really did it!" -My best friend and I standing in front of the screen, watching the results of October 2nd national plebiscite.

Btw, are you 100% sure that the "We did it..." part should be the last paragraph, because I thought it would be unique to use it as a brief introduction, but as I said before, I´m not a native speaker, so your opinion means a lot to me.

If this is the format that you are comfortable using, then this is what we shall use Juanita. I mean, I am only here to make suggestions. The final format and content of the essay is something that you will have to determine for yourself. So all I will do not is edit the paragraphs for you.

While most of THE Colombians complain ...
... day of ABOUT the political ...
... I decided to step out of the usual NORM and do something for the place I´ve grown GREW up in.
... political party REPRESENTATIVES speaking with TO the people...
... questionS they had ...
... In order to accomplish it THIS... volunteer called NAMED Felix gave us ...

Without thinking it twice, we called ...
... we went exactly where RETURNED TO WHERE we had been the day before...
... Our job was collecting TO COLLECT signatures to support...
... claim of REGARDING THE unconstitutionality of the "Peace Legislative Act"...
... would have given GIVE president Santos the exact same special powers ...
... but because THE government has spent an unimaginable amount of money...
... in order to convince society of TO supporting the peace treaty...
... A treaty that is described by Mary Anastasia O´Grady as a "trap".

Since June 4th , ...
...to discuss about the controversial issues that have happened during the week, as well as we have HAVING meetings...
...former president itself HIMSELF or senators...
... but surely not because ... as most of teenagers...
... Saturday being a better person t...

... THE C campaign which was based ... on explaining TO all sectors of society
...half prior TO the voting day, IS THE reason why I had to read it deeply in 3 days...
... had never felt more secure CONFIDENT of myself.
I can´t completely explain how this THESE 5 months made me grow as a person...
... I had become asecure SELF - CONFIDENT and strong young woman...

By now, whoever is reading this essay YOU might be asking himself YOURSELF why anyone would oppose to peace.
... peace when the cocaine production has doubled in OVER the past 6 years...
...conversations are been hosted in Cuba ...
... guerrillaS. ... weapons are left SET aside are AND victims are economically repaired RESTORED. ...

I made a slight revision to the closing paragraph to make it more attuned with the rest of the essay:
As my best friend and I stood in front of the television screen display at a local store, we saw the results of the October 2 plebiscite. We could not help but celebrate and scream, "We did it! We definitely did it! Oh my god, we are part of something! We really did it!"

I hope these revisions and suggestions work for you.