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UC Prompt 1: He's My Nephew; '75% percent deaf in both ears'



Eunhae126 3 / 16  
Nov 27, 2012   #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Please critique in every way possible, I will read your essay if you read mine (:

He's My Nephew
I remember the day when my sisters and I had gone to Peter Piper Pizza with their kids to play in the arcade. The loud sounds of different games were going off as children were running from left to right. The smell of pizza and wings and freshly made bread sticks filled the arcade. The embarrassment I felt when a woman almost three times my age yelled at me because Alex bit her son and I didn't have an explanation as to why he would do such a thing. I didn't realize until after this incident that he wasn't considered "normal". I never knew such an explanation to his lifestyle would be an impacting factor on mine.

On October 9, 2002, my oldest nephew, Alexander Xavier Stephens, was born. Alex was born 75% percent deaf in both ears due to fluid build up. He was also genetically born with a bipolar disorder that eventually lead to his diagnostics of A.D.D., autism, and schizophrenia. His life is a continuous movie, everything that happens is directed by him. If he hurts someone, it's okay because they get better, just like in all other movies. He can't tell what's real or not. It's difficult enough communicating with children to begin with, but with Alex, his thoughts are never complete, which makes understanding him ten times harder.

When I was about the age of nine, I finally understood what this all meant. The way we saw the world was completely different from his. I didn't quite fully understand what urged me to respond to all of his actions, but I always wanted to be near Alex. To take care of him, to understand him, to show him that he wasn't alone was what I wanted to give him. I felt the necessity to educate him to the best of my ability, because I knew others would not take the time to do so. I no longer became frustrated when I had to explain in every little possible detail what an elephant was before showing it to him. Through his disabilities we developed a special bond. I became patient by teaching him on a daily basis. It takes Alex up to several days before he understands simple phrases such as "Hitting people is bad, it hurts them.", which most kids his age would understand immediately.

Everywhere I take him, we get looks and sneers because he "acts" like a big brat or baby. But he can't help it; it's just the way he is. They will never understand how life is through his eyes. By taking care of him, I enhance one's ability to understand his disabilities, or what I consider, his lifestyle. Through him, I've realized that I want to help so many other children that are just like him. To help them grow and understand that it's okay to be themselves and not hide from the rest of the world just because they are different. Although Alex does not know it yet, he is the reason I want to become a pediatric specialist in autism. When the time comes, I will teach him how he has shaped my dreams and aspirations, even if it takes a lifetime.

yisha 6 / 21  
Nov 27, 2012   #2
the story is good.
and i think you should add more details about how you got along with your nephew and how you taught him to make your conclusion more persuasive.

actually i don't think the first paragraph is tightly related to other body paragraphs,so you'd better add a transition or change it a little bit.

hope you can give me some suggestions on my UC prompt.
KlangSelangor 1 / 5  
Nov 27, 2012   #3
HiEunhae , I like your story about Alex. I can see the world around you and why you would like to be pediatric specialist.
But maybe you could strengthen your aspirations ? Maybe you could shorten your first parragraph and elaborate about your dreams. etc determination ?

would be happy if you comment on essay prompt . :)
Tmeregalli 1 / 2  
Nov 27, 2012   #4
Hi Eunhae,
I think you should talk a bit more about your aspirations and shorten the first paragraph.
Also I believe you did a great job on describing the bond between you and your nephew, it made me feel as if I was part of it :)
503dannyk 8 / 25  
Nov 27, 2012   #5
Great descriptions, but elaborate more on the impact your nephew made on you and how he shaped your dreams of becoming a pediatrician.

Read my UC Prompt 1, if you have the chance. Thanks.
KlangSelangor 1 / 5  
Nov 27, 2012   #6
hi eunhae , thanks for reading my essay ! i am not really a writer so hoped my suggestions helped :

as what others had said , elaborate more about your dreams on being specialist ? if you divide your essay into two parts you could see that you describe alex a lot more than your dreams. if you are constraint with the word limit , maybe try to cut down the first parragraph ?


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