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(Nerdy myself / Bicycle together) - Tufts

doctorgirl222 4 / 7  
Jan 3, 2012   #1
I know this is very short notice but I just found out about this wonderful website (and tend to procrastinate). Will someone please provide editting feedback to a few supplement essays for Tufts? I will return the favor if you need. Thanks!

1. Why Tufts?

I want to go to a college where I can be my most nerdy, weird and true self. Tufts immediately captivates me because weirdness is a valued quality there. Looking at the clubs and activities Tufts has to offer turns me in to a child let loose in a candy store. I want it all - from the Harry Potter Society to the Pre-Medical Society to Club Lacrosse. Tufts will also accommodate my academic needs by delivering an education where I can foster passions in both Chemistry and English. It is my dream to add to the contagious enthusiasm at Tufts.

2. Let your life speak. Describe the environment in which you were raised and how it impacted the person you are today.

I grew up an only child in a family that loved to bicycle together. One day in the fourth grade, I arrived home from school to find my mom waiting for me at the front door. "Papi is at the hospital" she informed me without any introduction. He had been diagnosed with pancreatitis, a possible deadly inflammation of the pancreas.

As the months passed, I continued living my life normally. I would ride my scooter to school every morning, and back home every afternoon. We would eat dinner as a family, but most of the time my papi would work in the garage all day, not speaking to anyone. Eleven months after coming home from school to find my mom waiting for me at the front door, my papi moved out.

Spending half of my time with my sick father shaped me into a self-motivated, independent child. When I stayed with my papi, I would have to take care of him because his medicine sometimes made him delirious. Making dinner for us on those nights, cleaning our bathroom and reminding him to take the rest of his pills became my regular responsibilities.

Being a caregiver to someone who should have been taking care of me prepared me to be self-sufficient in solving my own problems. I am entirely comfortable in new situations. My papi's illness did not send me running to my mother's arms for protection, but instead is the foundation of the independent and adaptable person I am today.
sonya15 4 / 29  
Jan 3, 2012   #2
Great second essay. I like it. Keep it the way it is. The "Papi" kind of adds a cultural spark.

Essay number 1. Haha, I don't like this one quite as much. Couple things I would change:

1) Sounds processed. It seems as though you are regurgitating information you put in previous essays, like fostering passions in Chemistry and English. Talk about their specific programs. Tufts is pretty competitive, as I'm sure you know.

2) How much space do you have? You might want to make this essay longer.

3) You sure you want to call the school weird? haha, you might be safer with quirky :P

4) Is it really "your dream" to attend Tufts. I mean, you found out about the website today.

5) Why is the enthusiasm contagious? Expand this.

I love your username!! Pretty much my life's dream.

Hope this helps! Good luck. Mind reading mine? Thanks so much!
ItsokaytoGaga 15 / 96  
Jan 3, 2012   #3
Hey Alexandra! Thanks for commenting on my essays. :) You gave some helpful advice.

Your "why tufts" essay seems fine, but I think the above post gives you all the pointers to make it better.

...to find my mom waiting for me at the front door, my papi moved out

Moved out? why?

Otherwise the essay shows show personality well and your love for your family. Great job! Just revise both your essays a couple of times and they'll be perfect :)

I just posted my optional Tufts essay. PLEASE PLEASE have a look. :)
Thanks a ton again!
johnfwilliam 2 / 7  
Jan 4, 2012   #4
first essay is perfect I really like the way you wrote it.
second essay is great too, it shows how a strong person you are and how you handle setbacks. However, I don't really understand what the first sentence is used for.

grammar wise I don't think I ll be much a help. I am from Egypt and been to a french school till 9th grade, so my English is not so good.

I wish the best of luck for both of us.

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