Graduating high school, I was one of the few who stayed in my small town opposed to going off to a university. I was overwhelmed with the possibilities and the world that was laid out in front of me. I knew what I was passionate about but I wasn't quite sure how to pursue it so I enrolled at a local community college and started knocking out my basics. Ultimately, I wanted to study the working of the brain, how life's circumstances influenced the way it operated. I wondered how addiction wasn't just a delusion. I wondered how a simple medication could treat depression. I wondered if I could ever be the one to help somebody face their tribulations. I wanted to practice medicine.
I first became interested in addictive behaviors at the age of fifteen, when I learned that my oldest sister had a prescription drug addiction. I remember struggling to make sense of her death, struggling to understand how depression and a bipolar disorder could drive somebody mad. A few years later, a close family friend who had become my little sister fell victim to a cocaine addiction. Once more, I felt my mind being sent into a tailspin. The helpless feelings began to engulf my thoughts again and after that I have had an insatiable need to explore the depths of the human mind.
Originally I thought psychology would be the area to study but after taking a few courses i discovered that I didn't want to know "why" people act the way they do, but what it is that makes them do so. What makes it so easy for a bipolar person to experience periods of drastic moods swings, from manic states to depression? What makes me different? How do simple chemical reactions in the body determine one's behavior and how can they be altered medicinally?
Now, after a year and a half of undergraduate study at a community college, I am ready to dive head first into biology, more specifically with a focus on neuroscience. As a future potential practitioner of medicine, [school of choice] will allow me to broaden my horizons and achieve the education needed to fulfill my dreams. Although it does take quite the amount of passion to practice medicine, I know that alone won't ensure my degree. I need the right schooling from the right institution. I feel [school of choice] has an excellent undergraduate programs in biological science, after which I will be prepared for the school of medicine of my choice.
In this kind of sentence, you really need a comma to ensure clarity:
After graduating high school I was one of the few who stayed in my small town, opposed to going off to a university. ----And I took out a comma by changing the wording at the beginning... so that there would not be too many commas.
Strunk and White recommend a comma for any compound sentence:
I knew what I was passionate about, but I wasn't quite sure how to pursue it, so I enrolled at a local community college and started knocking out my basics.
...the one to help somebody face their tribulations. --This is excellent stuff right here. Very good. I wanted to practice (Specify what kind of) medicine.---Specificity is key, here, to show that you have been doing your reading.
Another great sentence:
Once more, I felt my mind being sent into a tailspin.
:-)
I think this is a strong essay... but is the fact that you originally did not want to go to college really important enough to keep? I think it is not part of the message of the essay.
