trusting our fate
The word count needed is 300, and this essay already have a just right 300 words. Please give feedback, about anything about the essay (including grammars). Thank you very much.
Essay starts after this line.
One day when I was still at year 11, my father taught me about getting scholarships overseas. I never seriously thought about that, until my friend introduced me with NTU. Since that day, I started to think and dream about studying at NTU.
Another time after that event, some unmentionable problems struck me. I was depressed and lost my spirit because of that, for several days. I am desperate with myself and my dreams, including to study at NTU. However, one simple incident had awaken my spirits again and took me out from my misery.
That night, I was having a night ride with my friend to my other friends' home. This friend that was riding with me, he is the one that introduced me to NTU. While we were riding through a place that was new to me, the incident happened. My bike got a flat tire. Seems simple, but having a flat tire at a strange place after the sun goes down had turned this into a difficult situation.
After realizing our vehicle isn't in condition to ride, we proceed by walking while leading the bike. The locals told us there is a tire repair shop ahead, so we continued walking. While walking, we talked and I stated that if the shop can help us that is merely because God has lent us His Hands. And if He had done that, He certainly had comforted me with His Blessings. Turns out the repair shop can fix the flat tire, and we can continue our ride.
The incident had me learnt that we should always trust our fate, thus making me think positively about everything that had happened and going to happen. And finally, I have my courage again and feeling ready for NTU admissions. Thank God for everything.
This line ends the essay.
Things that are bothering me with this essay:
- I wonder if i have some grammatical errors
- From this forum, usually this kind of NTU essay have the structure of "explain yourself before the event, explain the event and how it had changed you to be better, and explain present yourself." I wonder if this essay is too focused with the event itself and not the changes
- Perhaps other things that I'm not aware of
This is my first time writing such serious essay, so I didn't have the experience and stuff. Every feedback is appreciated, thank you everyone!Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 The essay that you wrote is nothing more than a suck up presentation, hoping that making it seem like you had been focused on entering NTU all your life will get you into the university. The reviewer will not consider this a believable essay because of several factors:
- The age reference in the essay
- The profound influence a simple conversation would have had on a child who is too young to have any career ambitions
- A marked influence the words of a friend can have on your decision to enter NTU.
- A flat tire actually gave you an epiphany (totally unbelievable)
The essay is shallow, unbelievable, and totally not qualified as a Personal Importance essay. A personal importance essay has to show how an event influenced a sense of maturity, a decision about your life (at a believable age), or a change of mindset. None of these appear in this essay. This is the kind of essay that a reviewer will not take seriously and could seriously hurt your application chances.
