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UC prompt number 1: The world I come from and how it shapes my dreams/aspiration



gotwavez 2 / 4  
Nov 23, 2009   #1
Please give me any feedback possible, nomatter how blunt it may be. Please give me gramatical corrections, let me know if I am on task with the prompt, and if possible, verify if this is what UC is looking for. Any word changes or phrase changes are appreciated if they improve clarity, and all other ideas will be appreciated.

Thank you

Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how has your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Although we live in a world of terror and disaster, the events which took place on September 11, 2001 provided me with the realization that I must always help humanity. I have a visceral response to do whatever I can to aid in life saving situations. As a result, I began volunteering religiously in the medical field and have been instilled with the aspiration to pursue a career as a surgeon.

Beginning to take note of my world on 9/11, I experienced my first desire to respond to an emergency situation when watching the brave heroes, especially the medics that came to the rescue of so many victims. My heart was filled with admiration and helplessness as I desperately wanted to be the one saving survivors. Shortly thereafter, Hurricane-Katrina occurred and I was overcome with similar emotions. Although I spent many hours at my school's drive packing clothing and supplies to ship to Katrina's victims, watching the rescue teams provide medical services further assured me that I belong in medicine. As a result of this realization as well as the influence of other worldwide tragedies, I decided to begin volunteering in various hospitals.

I spent hundreds of hours shadowing surgeons in the operating rooms. Within the realm of volunteering, I observed countless fascinating operations, learning perhaps more about the traumatic side of medicine than anyone else my age. However, although I was partaking in medicine, I still only had limited hands-on participation. Interestingly, I came across the possibility of working in the Israeli medical field. Therefore, I decided to volunteer for Magen-David-Adom, Israel's primary ambulatory service.

Becoming a certified medic I have encountered unimaginable hands-on opportunities; ensuring the medical treatment of the civilians of the "Ayalon-District" and the soldiers of the Israeli-Defense-Force. I have bandaged open wounds, immobilized victims onto a backboard, set up IVs, and even applied a rubber tourniquet to the amputated leg of a bomb victim.

These incredible experiences have strengthened my resolve to fulfill my calling of becoming a medical surgeon and serve humanity with not only compassion but in a tactical way that only a surgeon can provide.

meisj0n 8 / 214  
Nov 23, 2009   #2
Your first line is interesting, but then you include info about Katrina and operating rooms. maybe take out the first dependent clause: "Although we live in a world of terror and disaster." another thing, maybe change it to help humanity in times of need/disaster. OR, move that part to the end of the sentence, as a because we live in a world...

volunteering religiously, interesting combination, how medicine is mainly atheistic towards life. just a comment. visceral, why not use intuitive?

Question. are you located anywhere near these two events(towers,N. Orleans)
Beginning to take note of my world on 9/11, ... about those words, if you want to use them, try repositioning that in the intro, would fit better.

Although I spent many hours at my school's drive packing clothing and supplies to ship to Katrina's victims, I knew with certainty that I belonged to medicine when I watched the rescue teams provide medical services further assured me that I belong in medicine . <medicine sounds odd, but it works. keep it, maybe. :<

perhaps more, sounds a tad negative. this paragraph is a split, it contains info on previous hours doing work in America, and then many in Israel. try making that clearer, then you can keep them in a paragraph.

Comments: Overall, topic is strong, shows willingness/drive to persue medicine
you should talk more about describing your world..you do, but it's not one of the three they have as choices. maybe say that the world is your community, that disasters and international strife have led you towards helping those needing medical aid.

Site with good information: californiacolleges.edu/admissions/university-of-california-uc/personal-statement.asp

Good luck with your app!
tonythetiger 2 / 14  
Nov 25, 2009   #3
well it may just be me.. but is that your "world" or your personal experience you faced??

either way it is a very good essay


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