"Nursing = Good Health" - university of texas admission, statement of purpose

Hey everyone, this is my rough draft for my statement of purpose for university of texas admissions. any suggestions, tips or advise? please and thank you !

Nursing plays a large role in the welfare of good health. This profession demands the need of leadership, patient care quality, dedication and much more. It does not only call for a professional care provider but also a friend. Nurses not only provide care but comfort; they give strength, motivation and the optimism patients need to get well. Everyone needs help, and appreciates an act of kindness once in a while. Through helping others I find my happiness and purpose. Becoming a nurse would enable me to have the knowledge and skills to act in a time of emergencies. The feeling of knowing that I have made someone smile is an unbeatable feeling. To be able to heal some or even save a life is an experience that is unspeakable. Being a person who can make a difference in someone's life is an unforgettable honor. I plan on becoming a nurse, a nurse who can change and save lives. I have found a purpose, and it is to care for those in need. I am determined to become a care provider. By becoming a nurse I will be able to provide others with the care and motivation they need to get well.

The University of Texas is an excellent institution that provides its students with unlimited possibilities. The University of Texas offers the education, diversity and discipline I believe will enable me to become the nurse I plan to be. I believe that UT will broaden my horizons and give be the challenge I am looking for. I plan to join the Navy Nurse Corps after graduating with my bachelors of science in nursing. Attending UT will prepare me for the dynamic life that the Navy Nurse Corps offers. I will be able to not only help others but I can serve my nation. I believe that the University of Texas will ensure the solid higher education as well as the diverse environment that will help mold me into a Navy Nurse.

There are a few mistakes that I noticed in your essay. What is the word-limit for this SOP? Because I find it really short, hardly 350 words. In addition, I feel if possible in addition to giving a lot of description about the nobleness of nursing career, you may devote some amount of space to personal experiences that has motivated you to take up a nursing career.

Nursing plays a large (I think critical/pivotal may sound better) role in the health-care industry. This profession demands the qualities of dedication and service-mindedness. The role of a nurse is not just restricted to that of a professional care-giver but involves performing all such activities that give comfort and relief to the patients, Nurses not only provide care and comfort; they give strength, motivation and the optimism patients need to get well. Everyone needs help, and appreciates an act of kindness once in a while. Through helping others I find my happiness and purpose. Becoming a nurse would enable me to have the knowledge and skills to act in times of emergency. The feeling of knowing that I have made someone smile is an unbeatable feeling. To be able to heal some (I guess you meant someone) or even save a life is an experience that is unspeakable. Being a person who can make a difference in someone's life is an unforgettable honor. I plan on becoming a nurse, a nurse who can change and save lives. I have found a purpose, and it is to care for those in need. I am determined to become a care provider. By becoming a nurse I will be able to provide others with the care and motivation they need to get well.This can be written in a more elegant manner, and also avoiding the points of care and motivation that you have already mentioned above.

The University of Texas is an excellent institution that provides its students with unlimited possibilities. The University of Texas offers the education, diversity and discipline I believe will enable me to become the nurse I plan to be. I believe that UT will broaden my horizons and give be the challenge I am looking for. I plan to join the Navy Nurse Corps after graduating with my bachelors of science in nursing. Attending UT will prepare me for the dynamic life that the Navy Nurse Corps offers. I will be able to not only help others but I can serve my nation. I believe that the University of Texas will ensure the solid higher education as well as the diverse environment that will help mold me into a Navy Nurse.

Good Luck.

This part is confusing.

I think the most important thing about this essay, the most impressive thing, is that you capture the unique combination of knowledge, skill, and kindness that characterizes the nursing profession.

You should framed these two great paragraphs between an equally great introduction and conclusion paragraph.

Most importantly, and in that first sentence of the essay has got to change. It is obvious, confusingly worded, and a little too simple. That first sentence is like a missed opportunity to say something brilliant it will stick in the reader's mind and make you memorable.

NH Blush
the SOP can be no longer than 120 eighty-character lines of text, thanks I appreciate your advise!

EF_Susan
Okay, I think I have an idea thank you! I'll try to post of up a new draft soon.