This is a common application(commonapp.org) essay. I am applying to several Ivy League schools and top-tier schools so I wanted you guys to rate it and tell me whether it is on point, packs a punch, uses appropriate format and shows somebody who is Ivy League material. Also off course how to improve it.
Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you. (250-500 words)
I was brought up in the heart of the Kamba community, Machakos District, which is one of the driest regions in Kenya. The moment I became aware of my surroundings, the fact that water is always in short supply did not need to be spelled out. A balanced diet - essential in normal development in children - is extremely rare. Malnutrition diseases such as Marasmus and Kwashiorkor are common in the community.
The droughts and famines are especially brutal and some even last for years. People resort to unorthodox ways to get food, feed on any animal that walks or crawls and generally prod and look everywhere in a bid to feed their families and survive the famine. Ironically another is never far away. It's a rat race.
I learnt the nature of nutrient deficiency diseases and how they could be prevented and cured in elementary school. I also got to know how the irregular rainfall patterns could be somewhat controlled and their frequency increased by planting trees. That is one of the major reasons that I hold education in such high regard - the ability to alleviate human suffering and improve the human condition if used appropriately.
These issues are very important to me as I've experienced them for periods of my life. When I went to high school, I had the chance to be in the midst of equally brilliant students who were from different areas of the country. Many of my fellow students came from equally adverse areas as I came from. I got to know how they made use of Mother Nature to solve problems facing them. They dug boreholes, used manure to grow food and voted in good leaders who appropriated funds availed to them wisely unlike many of our local leaders.
That got me thinking on what could be done to improve conditions back home. It occurred to me that a lot had to be done. Information should be passed out to the people - stop taking bribes to vote for corrupt leaders, it keeps the vicious cycle going. Measures to curb and reverse desertification have to be taken to nourish the water system in the region. All this has to begin at the grassroots level and planting ideas on young minds. That is why after I graduated from high school I began teaching students at a new local high school which had inadequate teachers. I managed to mobilize quite a number of them to begin planting trees and to take up assignments where they would spread information about desertification and how to combat it by word of mouth to family and friends. I had hoped that it would have an avalanche effect. Although it was moderately successful , but it galvanized me to seek to change the face of the region in whatever way I could. One thing I know for sure, to improve the situation, awareness and initiative is the key.
491 words
Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you. (250-500 words)
I was brought up in the heart of the Kamba community, Machakos District, which is one of the driest regions in Kenya. The moment I became aware of my surroundings, the fact that water is always in short supply did not need to be spelled out. A balanced diet - essential in normal development in children - is extremely rare. Malnutrition diseases such as Marasmus and Kwashiorkor are common in the community.
The droughts and famines are especially brutal and some even last for years. People resort to unorthodox ways to get food, feed on any animal that walks or crawls and generally prod and look everywhere in a bid to feed their families and survive the famine. Ironically another is never far away. It's a rat race.
I learnt the nature of nutrient deficiency diseases and how they could be prevented and cured in elementary school. I also got to know how the irregular rainfall patterns could be somewhat controlled and their frequency increased by planting trees. That is one of the major reasons that I hold education in such high regard - the ability to alleviate human suffering and improve the human condition if used appropriately.
These issues are very important to me as I've experienced them for periods of my life. When I went to high school, I had the chance to be in the midst of equally brilliant students who were from different areas of the country. Many of my fellow students came from equally adverse areas as I came from. I got to know how they made use of Mother Nature to solve problems facing them. They dug boreholes, used manure to grow food and voted in good leaders who appropriated funds availed to them wisely unlike many of our local leaders.
That got me thinking on what could be done to improve conditions back home. It occurred to me that a lot had to be done. Information should be passed out to the people - stop taking bribes to vote for corrupt leaders, it keeps the vicious cycle going. Measures to curb and reverse desertification have to be taken to nourish the water system in the region. All this has to begin at the grassroots level and planting ideas on young minds. That is why after I graduated from high school I began teaching students at a new local high school which had inadequate teachers. I managed to mobilize quite a number of them to begin planting trees and to take up assignments where they would spread information about desertification and how to combat it by word of mouth to family and friends. I had hoped that it would have an avalanche effect. Although it was moderately successful , but it galvanized me to seek to change the face of the region in whatever way I could. One thing I know for sure, to improve the situation, awareness and initiative is the key.
491 words