NYU Short Answer supplements - "a shopping trip with my father"

When I was a young child, on a shopping trip with my father, I had the unfortunate experience of a beggar snatching a 10 dollar bill out of my hand. As I went to take it back, my father grabbed me by the arm and scolded me. He told me how that even after we returned home from shopping, that man would be out on the curb, without a home, in the blistering cold. Initially I was angry; however, I grew to understand that I had a moral obligation to do my best to cure homelessness in NYC. If admitted into NYU, I hope to either join an established charity, or create one of my own. It is unacceptable for there to be over 15,000 homeless people in one of the most prestigious cities in the world, and I hope to reduce this number at all costs. - currently 744 characters, needs to be 500, OMG

This is tough, its hard to take out a full sentence and still get the full impact of your essay (which is pretty good by the way).

You don't have to say 'young'. If you're a child, you're probably not old. Maybe turn it into this:

During a shopping trip with my father while I was (enter age), - and then continue.

Its barely shorter, but its still shorter :)

You really dont have to say its an unfortunate experience if you tell us you're angry about it. I'd take out "I had the unfortunate experience of"

Instead of "take it back", say "reclaim it" (shorter).

Also...

that man would be out on the curb, without a home, in the blistering cold

Take out "out on the curb" Its not necessary. Add 'still' between 'would' and 'be'.

thanks, i shortened it from 2000 "characters" to this, now i re-shortened it, and honestly, its complete crap relative to what I had before :(

eh, if they're limiting it to 500 characters, I dont think they're expecting every word to blow them away. As long as it answers the prompt and is true about you, everything should be fine.

Usually when you shorten essays they become better. It is a matter of filtering out the weak parts. On the contrary, when they want only 500 characters, they want every word to count!

When I was a young, childon a shopping trip with my father, I had the startling experience of having a beggar snatching a 10 dollar bill out of my hand. As I went to take it back, my father grabbed me by the arm and scolded me. He told me how that, even after we returned home from shopping, that man would be out on the curb, without a home, in the blistering cold. Initially I had been angry; however, I grew ...

Wow, really, though, that is unreasonable for them to limit you to 500 characters!!! What is their problem, anyway?!

How about:

If admitted into NYU, I hope to either join an established charity, or create one of my own. It is unacceptable for there to be over 15,000 homeless people in one of the most prestigious cities in the world, and I hope to reduce this number at all costs.

After succeeding at NYU, I hope to either join an established charity, or create an organization to help the 15,000 homeless people in this wealthy city.