Could you guys help me revise this essay? Thanks!
NYU is global, urban, inspired, smart, connected, and bold. What can NYU offer you, and what can you offer NYU? (200-400 words)
Growing up in a business environment, I was fortunate enough to experience the challenges my immigrant family went through in our pursuit of the American Dream. They involved me in everything from answering phone calls to brainstorming business ideas. Furthermore, they taught me that whatever I do, I do it for others. As time went on, I realized I still have much more to learn.
In high school, my extracurricular activities have allowed me to cultivate my leadership. My governorship for the past two years of the Arizona Junior State has given me the opportunity to help provide students with a platform to express their opinions in engaging debates and civic initiatives. JSA has taught me about managing and building upon a high school organization and solidified my passion of business.
Try to develop your response to what NYU has to offer you a bit more. Right now it is a mere mention when it should be at least a full paragraph or two long in response. It is necessary to balance what NYU has to offer you with what you have to offer NYU because this will show the admissions officer that you have a good understanding of how the university works and how you can have a symbiotic relationship with the university and its students in both the academic and social field. Make sure your response shows off not just your academic skills, but also your extra curricular abilities as well. Remember, the university is looking for students with a well rounded personality and knows how to balance the seriousness of academic life and the social importance of relaxation in between studies. Try to make sure that you depict these aspects of your personality and the university offerings in your essay.
Thanks! Is this any better? Can I cut anything out?
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NYU is global, urban, inspired, smart, connected, and bold. What can NYU offer you, and what can you offer NYU? (200-400 words)
Growing up in a business environment, I was fortunate enough to experience the challenges my immigrant family went through in our pursuit of the American Dream. They involved me in everything from answering phone calls to brainstorming business ideas. Furthermore, they taught me that whatever I do, I do it for others. As time went on, I began applying the skills and persevering attitude that my family had given me.
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Through the Stern business program, I will be able to gain a deeper understanding of the applications of business in the exciting environment of Wall Street.
That quote from your essay is where I want you to concentrate on. I want you to develop that discussion by presenting information about how NYU will be able to help you achieve this. What does NYU offer that will allow you do gain this deeper understanding? Name classes, professors, or internships that you look forward to attending and completing. That is what NYU has to offer you in terms of helping you achieve your dreams and goals.
Word Count: 395 I added in something specific. However, if I want to add anything else, I will have to cut.
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Growing up in a business environment, I was fortunate enough to experience the challenges my immigrant family went through in our pursuit of the American Dream. They involved me in everything from answering phone calls to brainstorming business ideas. Furthermore, they taught me that whatever I do, I do it for others. As time went on, I began applying the skills and persevering attitude that my family had given me.
In high school, my extracurricular activities have allowed me to cultivate my leadership. My governorship for the past two years of the Arizona Junior State has given me the opportunity to help provide students with a platform to express their opinions in engaging debates and civic initiatives.
However, just as a swordsman cannot learn to fight without first entering combat, I know that I cannot fully apply the facts, figures, and theories I've learned without first understanding their practical applications. Thus, I want to further build upon my passion by learning from the best in the business world. With a strong liberal arts grounding and the development programs, I can gain a deeper understanding of the applications of business in the exciting environment of Wall Street. For instance, through the Industry Introduction Series I will be able to learn about different industries, and I can apply myself by participating in the Case Walk-Through Series. With this path, I will expand on my current outlook, grow more mature, be ready to start my own business, and give back to the community.
Living in a small, agriculture-based city, my surroundings are vastly different than those of the vast, urban expanse of New York City. However, my environment has given me a unique perspective. Maintaining plants and farm animals in a rural environment while aspiring to do great things certainly has its eccentricities. The people at NYU are from diverse backgrounds and can help me understand how I can achieve my goals while exploring NYC. My oration and debate experiences have helped foster my conversational and speaking skills, which I can use to create new connections with a variety of business people and traders. Centering my education in the financial capital of the world will be the best way for me not only have new experiences, but gain new perspectives. The outlook that I have will continue to contribute to the diversity that I can bring to NYU.
You are not writing a personal statement or a statement of purpose. That is how this essay sounds at this very moment. You speak only about yourself, your background and what you hope to accomplish at NYU because of these talents and experiences. You are not even near answering the simple essay prompt asking you to simply state what it is that drew you to enroll at NYU and what you hope to contribute to the NYU student and social community. That is not difficult to do. Just think about the reasons why you want to enroll at NYU, write it down. Then choose the best of your talents that you feel will enhance the NYU experience for you and the other students and discuss those as well. Once you do those things, the essay will be completely and properly written in response to the prompt :-)