My oddly way I'd want to spend my free Saturdays - CommonApp extracurricular essay

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below. Limit 350 words

I am not finished with this. I simply reworked the start of the essay and was wondering how it works. Also, in what way should I take the end of this essay? Any ideas? Anything in here to risky or would shine a bad light on me? Thanks.

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below. Limit 350 words
205/350 words

"​Armed verbal combat that aims to disprove logical fallacies may not be the average high school student's favorite extracurricular, but it sure is mine. Competing at a tournament from sunrise to sunset with intellectually intimidating teenagers in starched, collared shirts and over-sized suits is, oddly enough, the only way I'd want to spend my otherwise free Saturdays. While it is true that I cherish the gold placard smile that encompasses my face when I happen to win five straight preliminary rounds and lose none, something else, something more influential about debate is what truly gives it its place in my heart. Being a part of the debate team has rewarded me with much more than a few meretriciously shiny trophies.

In theory, debate is a simple concept: a discussion about a topic in which opposing viewpoints are set forth. In practice, high school debate is the most intricate, exuberant activity I've ever participated in -- and I'm also a cheerleader. This chaotic event has destroyed my naive innocence, but with destruction comes room for construction. My partiality toward systems of government quickly dissolved. No longer did I simply receive knowledge in my studies; I became the passionate skeptic I am today. Debate had recreated my mindset."

Hello,

This is a pretty good essay saving for the narcissism and bullying that you display. Statements describing your competitors as "Awkward" and expressing your love for debate stems from you winning might not sit well with the adcom readers. Let me explain something that most people here do not understand. Admissions readers at most top schools are made up of community members...i.e the moms and dads of these "Awkward" students. It is very easy to offend someone with statements like these. Your goal here is to connect with the reader while displaying your ambitions to be successful. This needs to be done without coming off as though you feel you are better than others. - Admissions Advice Online

Wow I actually really love the way you have approached this so far. I think it would be important to include some information about why debate is specifically important to you as well as what debate has taught you/what you gained from the experience

Emily, I agree that the way you presented yourself in this essay is quite abrasive. However, I believe that it came out that way because you described the activity to the reader without first describing what it is and what it is all about. By first informing about the activity, you prepare the reader for the additional information and prepare the mindset of the person for the way that you might be expected to present your additional information.

What I am trying to tell you is that you can revise this essay but still keep on track with the information. Just switch it around to let us know that you enjoy debating on Saturdays and why first. Then try to soften the blow of what is currently your first paragraph as your second paragraph in order to make it softer in presentation. I understand that debates can be very intense and straightforward to the point of rudeness at times. Remember that you are not in a debate as you write this paper. You are in a formal interview where you should only present the most respectable and impressive side of yourself.

The keyword here is respect for the reader. Try not to step on any toes by coming on so strong as you do now. Redirect the energy in a more amiable manner while presenting yourself as the great debater just the same :-) Concentrate on the fun side of the extra curricular activity known to you as debate :-) Present a friendly side to the competition while still informing the reader about your sense of victory when you argue the winning side. Remember to explain that you view the activity as friendly competition and that after the debate, the friendships resume, or something to that effect. I believe and know that you can do this all within 350 words :-)