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From one school to another...Why?


mle2010 7 / 38  
Dec 30, 2009   #1
Explanation for break in secondary school education.

Up until my sophomore year in high school, Folsom was where I called home. The small town of 50,000 people sheltered my blissfully ignorant and conservative nature for fifteen years. Sure, I had heard of gay people, racial prejudice and world issues, but politics never seemed relevant to my life. For fifteen years my life was black and white, every question had an answer, and my world was the size of a cantaloupe. I hate cantaloupe.

At the close of my freshman year in high school, I was given an opportunity to change everything. The Jewish Community High School of the Bay sits in San Francisco, two hours by car from Folsom. Attending this school would mean moving in with my grandparents in San Carlos (25 miles south of San Francisco) and commuting to school via the train. I decided to trade in my cheerleading uniform, pool parties, football games and straight A's for the unknown abyss of urban private school life. Suddenly I had teachers that were gay, others that were radical activists, and every single one inspirational. It was a mind-blowing change from the bored teachers I was used to back home. They taught me that not only do I need to think to succeed, but I also need to question, and if I can't find answers, to push through and find them on my own. After two weeks in this new jungle, I quickly figured out I was no longer the smartest and was easily the least worldly student. Catching up with my peers who had been dealing with college prep level work since pre-school was challenging.

The seemingly simple change of schools broadened my world more than words can capture, and it made me crave intellectual growth and knowledge more than ever. My dreams ballooned and my aspirations exploded. I now strive to understand the word, relevant to my life or not.

All feedback, harsh or not, is welcomed and appreciated. Thanks!
OP mle2010 7 / 38  
Dec 30, 2009   #2
Advice and suggestions are really needed! I will return the favor.
robyag6 1 / 11  
Dec 30, 2009   #3
I think your essay is pretty well written, it gets the point through, just one suggestion, you might want to add a transition around this part

...the close of my freshman year in high school, I was given an opportunity to change everything. The Jewish Community High School of the Bay sits in San Francisco, two hours by car from...

maybe you should state that you were given the change to attend the Jewsish Community High School of the Bay since at first I thought that this was your old school. Hope this makes sense/helps!!
OP mle2010 7 / 38  
Dec 30, 2009   #4
Thank so much!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 7, 2010   #5
Up until my sophomore year in high school, Folsom was where the place I called home. ...
This is excellent writing! I love it.

I hate cantaloupe.-------wow, nicely done. I wish I could write as well as you

At the close of my freshman year in high school, I was given an opportunity to change everything (replace with a word or phrase that puts an image in the reader's mind). The Jewish Community High School of the Bay sits in ...

Lots of detail... maybe you want to omit one or two unnecessary details.

I now strive to understand the world( ?), relevant to my life or not. Let's find a better last sentence, one that expresses your main idea.

:-)

I'm sorry if I am giving these ideas after the deadline already passed...
vhiremath4 1 / 3  
Jan 7, 2010   #6
I simply wanted to state that I love the "I hate cantaloupe" statement. :-)
youngkim9193 4 / 13  
Jan 7, 2010   #7
Suddenly I had teachers thatwho were gay, others thatwho were radical activists, and every single one inspirational. It was a mind-blowing change from the bored teachers I was used to back home.

nicely written essay :)
i also love "I hate cantaloupe."


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