Optional Essay-Talking about my personality, interests, etc.

I addressed the reader towards the end. I am wondering if that is ok in an essay? Please suggest any improvements and ways to scale down the essay. I am about 100 words over the limit.

This is the essay topic:
"Is there anything else you would like to share with us regarding your background or interests that you didn't have the opportunity to share elsewhere? Have you overcome exceptional difficulties or challenges? Have you participated in any programs or activities to help you prepare for college, such as Governor's School, Project Uplift, Gear-Up, AVID, Upward Bound, LEAD, or Summer Ventures?"

Here is my response:

In the summer of 2010, I took four courses at Central Piedmont Community College (Java, Web Development Tools, C#, and Visual Basic) and discovered my passion for working with computers. I loved looking for bugs in the code, correcting them, and running the program. Perhaps my fascination with programming comes from the fact that it is similar to chess. There are so many ways to bring about a particular result, and attention to detail is paramount in both. Different languages allowed different features to the program. Switching from one language to another was like changing the rules of chess. If the bishop could move vertically, and the rook could move diagonally (instead of vice versa as in normal chess), so many new possibilities would arise!

My ultimate goal, however, lies in the medical field. After majoring in computer science, I plan to apply to medical school, and specialize in neurosurgery. When I took Honors Anatomy & Physiology in 10th grade, I was almost entranced by the intricacy of the nervous system. Learning about the speed with which messages are relayed to the brain, the complex mechanisms of neuromuscular junctions, and the multifarious interactions of neurons helped arouse my interest in the nervous system. Perhaps this is one of my flaws, but I tend to have a fascination for the unknown. It is said that the brain is the least known part of the body. This field appealed to me philosophically as well. What better to study than my own brain, the origin of all of my thoughts?

Through my application, I hope I have presented myself as clearly and concisely as possible. Thank you for your time and patience.

You might want to cut down on the first few sentences if you're short on words.


^Maybe you can say this in less words. "I said classical music despite blah blah blah..." Something shorter cause the way it is right now sounds overly dramatic.

Actually I suggest that you delete the first two paragraphs altogether since they have nothing to do with the rest of the answer, which is the important part.


^I personally like that you do it since it sounds professional. However I don't think that you should do it cause it's one of those things you're supposed to do in a college app.

Thanks so much for the feedback! So I guess I'll just expand the last paragraph and delete the first two. Any more opinions would be appreciated! Thanks!

^What a confusing sentence...I meant that you shouldn't do it. My bad :P

I think for the "loose t-shirt " paragraph, I don't see any relationship between the first and the second paragraph. Anyway, the rest of it is fine :)

Less is more, sometimes:
... and discovered my passion for working with computers.

I loved looking for bugs in the code, correcting them, and running the program. --- this is a great sentence.

If the bishop could move vertically, and the rook could move diagonally (instead of vice versa as in normal chess), so many new possibilities would arise!---- that's why the queen is so cool.

You know what this essay needs? A philosophical link between chess, comp sci, and neuroscience. What is the common thread among them?

:-)