Hi, can I get people to revise my essays. This essay is for the common application and this is my first rough draft. I need some people to tell me if this essay is o.k. I am not done but feel that I the majority of the essay is done. Can you also tell me if this essay is too long, there is no maximum.
Essay question: Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.
In my short time on this planet I have discovered that there will be many obstacles that one must overcome. I also came to a realization that nothing will come easy and the only way to obtain some sort of success is by working hard and being dedicated. My first obstacle in life happened before I was born and it still affects me to this day: my father was incarcerated for fifteen years. I could have been another sad story of a young man who live a life of trouble and despair because he did not have father figure. However, I had to learn how to live without my father and saw how hard my mother and grandmother worked to support me. I have gain an appreciation for what they have done, giving up their life dreams to make mine possible. With their hard work they gave me everything I needed and more and I wish to return the favor. This is the one of the main reason that I want to transfer to a great university after I have received my A.A. degree. With a higher education there is a greater opportunity to make more money, my goal with the extra money is to support my mother and give her the life that she deserves.
Even though my grandmother won't be around to see where future takes me I belive that she would of been happy of my future plans. Another reason that I want to transfer is because I want to be a role model for my brother and other family members. When my grandmother and grandfather moved to the United States from Puerto Rico, they wanted to give their children a better life. However, like many first generation immigrants it has been a difficult ride. In my family half of my uncles and aunts dropped out of high school, while the others finished. Although a few, including my mother, gave college a try they never succeed in getting a degree. Looking at my generation many of my cousins are going down the same road as their parents; most are avoiding college and earning minimum wage. That is why I would love to earn a degree from a top university, so my younger cousins and my brother can see that college is an attainable goal and that with a college education you will be better prepare in life. I have even inspired my mother to go back to college and receive her A.A. degree.
Another reason that I want to transfer is in my opinion the most important; I want to do it for myself. I know that having an A.A degree is good for many people, but for me it is only a stepping block to a better education and career. I have been told numerous times in my life that I was not smart enough or not college material. In elementary though middle school I was in slower classes, my grades were low, and cared about being the class clown. I belive if I did not move to Florida for my freshmen year in high school, then my outlook at education would be different. In Florida I got a fresh start and did not care about being a class clown; my goal was to work hard and go to college. After my senior year in high school even though I worked hard and had a high GPA I did not get into the UCF; I went to community college instead. One and half years removed from my graduation I will be receiving my A.A. degree and got accepted to a school that rejected me. I could of let the rejection deter my educational carrer but it made me a better person and student. I now know that I'm college potential because I have worked hard as a result I am applying to Universities two years ago I thought were out of my reach.
People have different reasons to go to college: get a better education, earn more money, parents force them. The objective I am trying to achieve by transferring is to work in a field that I enjoy and also makes a positive impact in someone's life. This is why my plan is to major in psychology and become a psychologist. I would like to mentor children and show them that education is the key to success. This is why live by the motto: if you live life for yourself then life is not worth living.
Essay question: Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.
In my short time on this planet I have discovered that there will be many obstacles that one must overcome. I also came to a realization that nothing will come easy and the only way to obtain some sort of success is by working hard and being dedicated. My first obstacle in life happened before I was born and it still affects me to this day: my father was incarcerated for fifteen years. I could have been another sad story of a young man who live a life of trouble and despair because he did not have father figure. However, I had to learn how to live without my father and saw how hard my mother and grandmother worked to support me. I have gain an appreciation for what they have done, giving up their life dreams to make mine possible. With their hard work they gave me everything I needed and more and I wish to return the favor. This is the one of the main reason that I want to transfer to a great university after I have received my A.A. degree. With a higher education there is a greater opportunity to make more money, my goal with the extra money is to support my mother and give her the life that she deserves.
Even though my grandmother won't be around to see where future takes me I belive that she would of been happy of my future plans. Another reason that I want to transfer is because I want to be a role model for my brother and other family members. When my grandmother and grandfather moved to the United States from Puerto Rico, they wanted to give their children a better life. However, like many first generation immigrants it has been a difficult ride. In my family half of my uncles and aunts dropped out of high school, while the others finished. Although a few, including my mother, gave college a try they never succeed in getting a degree. Looking at my generation many of my cousins are going down the same road as their parents; most are avoiding college and earning minimum wage. That is why I would love to earn a degree from a top university, so my younger cousins and my brother can see that college is an attainable goal and that with a college education you will be better prepare in life. I have even inspired my mother to go back to college and receive her A.A. degree.
Another reason that I want to transfer is in my opinion the most important; I want to do it for myself. I know that having an A.A degree is good for many people, but for me it is only a stepping block to a better education and career. I have been told numerous times in my life that I was not smart enough or not college material. In elementary though middle school I was in slower classes, my grades were low, and cared about being the class clown. I belive if I did not move to Florida for my freshmen year in high school, then my outlook at education would be different. In Florida I got a fresh start and did not care about being a class clown; my goal was to work hard and go to college. After my senior year in high school even though I worked hard and had a high GPA I did not get into the UCF; I went to community college instead. One and half years removed from my graduation I will be receiving my A.A. degree and got accepted to a school that rejected me. I could of let the rejection deter my educational carrer but it made me a better person and student. I now know that I'm college potential because I have worked hard as a result I am applying to Universities two years ago I thought were out of my reach.
People have different reasons to go to college: get a better education, earn more money, parents force them. The objective I am trying to achieve by transferring is to work in a field that I enjoy and also makes a positive impact in someone's life. This is why my plan is to major in psychology and become a psychologist. I would like to mentor children and show them that education is the key to success. This is why live by the motto: if you live life for yourself then life is not worth living.
