I know I have quite a few problems with my essay - 1 being that it's depressing (I don't know how to make it less depressing), and 2 being that my conclusion is a little too cliche (or at least in my opinion). But I ask for some (A LOT) of help on my essay. I just don't want to leave a lasting impression on the admissions council that I'm a sad, depressed child.
Plus it's exactly 708 words, and the range is 250-650 words.
Prompt: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
-----
For as long as I can remember, my parents have always told me to be as kind as I can be to other people, and the kindness will be returned. I listened to my parents, and tried to be compassionate and caring towards others not only because it was how I have been raised, but also because I believe that all people should be treated with love and respect. Unlike what my parents raised me to expect, there were many times acts of kindness weren't returned. Instead of treating me with respect, the people in my life made fun of me, and humiliated me. As a child, I didn't understand, but now I see that I was a victim of bullying.
[...]
Cynthia, your essay could actually be shortened if you chose to instead discuss your accomplishments in life instead of the bullying at the start. My idea is to tell admissions officer that you are a successful person and that you are confident in that belief / knowledge even though you grew up believing otherwise. It is important to let the reader know that you have already overcome this obstacle before you even present it. That way you will remove the doom and gloom from the essay, the cliche portions, and also, lower your word count immensely. You don't really need to detail information like at what age the bullying started and who the bullies were. However, you should mention that because of certain circumstances in your life, such as being fat, ugly, poor, etc, your peers at school viewed you differently and since it affected your self esteem it reflected in your grades, which led the teachers to believe that you were not capable of accomplishing more in life. Then close the essay by saying that by applying to college you have proven all of your detractors wrong. You will amount to something because you are the only person who can actually achieve your potential as you see it. Which is something that others cannot. This turns the essay around by creating a message of hope and inspiration for others who may be suffering the same type of discrimination as you are at the moment.
Do you think you can revise the essay in that format? Please try to do so and I will do my best to help you bring down the word count if you still find yourself a few words or so over the limit :-)
Here is my edited college essay:
As I look out the window towards the night sky, taking in the sweet smell of mom's cooking, my little sister hands me our family's photo album. Hesitant to lay eyes upon the utmost most embarrassing pictures of the first day of school to the messy birthdays, I couldn't help but take the album from my sister and rummage through the pages. After for what seems like an eternity of laughing at the pictures of me, I can't help but start to notice the change that took place in me over the years. From an immensely chubby, and timid girl, to an independent, self-motivating, and optimistic young lady, little did my younger self know that I'd one day overcome the negativity in the past, and become as successful as I am today. I've transformed into a person the Cynthia stuck in the photographs wouldn't recognize, successful, and full of dreams and ambitions she didn't think she was capable of having.
For what seemed like centuries, I've been a victim of bullying. My peers made fun of me, and humiliated me on a regular basis because to them I didn't conform to their idea of perfection. They thought I was ugly, fat, and poor, which deterred my focus from school and made me focus solely on what everyone thought about me and how I looked. Unfortunately, my self-esteem eventually plummeted through the floors, as well as my grades. Eventually, my teachers began to lose faith in my learning capabilities and they no longer wanted to waste their time on me. Rather, they look down upon me and thought I was weak, hopeless, and had no future ahead of me. I eventually started to accept the fact that I was worthless and would never succeed in life.
However, as I've become older, I've come to a realization that dwelling on what my peers and teachers may have said or thought about me, had no benefits. I realized that this was preventing me from becoming the best as I can be and developing my own goals and aspiration that I would eventually pursue one day. As a result, I've begun to block out the negativity and steered myself onto the right path. Eventually, I've started performing significantly better in school, and I've realized that I have the same dreams and ambitions as most people, so I can do whatever my heart desired.
Evidently, years of performing well in school paid off. I've received many academic awards from my school but the most important award I won was a scholarship from the NET Generation of Youth to attend an engineering summer program held by the National Student Leadership Conference. At first, I wasn't intrigued by engineering, but what I did know was that I was always captivated by emerging technologies and longed to be able to create my own bionics or electronics one day. Even though the mentors warned me that majoring in engineering in unquestionably difficult, after ten days of learning how to make my own underwater sea perch, how to approach and solve global issues that require an engineer's expertise, and learning more about the different fields of engineering, I've come to a consensus that engineering is what I want to pursue one day; therefore, engineering became a passion of mine.
Discovering my passion in engineering became my motivation to work harder than ever and helped me ensure that I let no one and nothing detract my focus from attaining this goal. Due to my hard work, sense of independence, and motivation, I'm now applying to college, something my detractors didn't think I was going to do one day. I now think back to those nights filled with tears, and those moments where I wished that I looked like everyone else. I think back to the Cynthia stuck in the photographs, and how I wish I could tell her though times may be tough at the moment, that it'll eventually get better.
@vangiespen
