The overpowering voice -Common App Essay

Please feel free to be honest and comment. I would love it if anyone can please edit it and recommend me a title for this essay. Thank you so much!

* Indicate a person who has had a significant influence, and describe that influence.

Rather than enjoying the voice of TV cartoon characters, I grew up listening to angry voices of landlords, lawyers, and billing companies. They were all a big threat to me: the cold and ill-tempered voice of the landlord, the elite and sophisticated voices of lawyers, and the desperate and demanding voices of billing companies. Regardless of my age, I was responsible for listening to the voices that my dad was supposed to hear and the voices that my mom was suppose to hear. Although my sister and I were normal teenagers just like the rest, we were faced to do the jobs of ordinary adults. Each and every day was a challenge; however, through this, I gained strength, tolerance, and appreciation.

Phone calls weren't a pleasure to me; it brought me fear instead. I hated phone calls because it introduced me to so many unpleasant voices in life. I could not ask my dad to pick up the phone because I knew he was no longer with us. I knew I couldn't ask my mom either. Some way or another, the phone would find its way to come back into my hands. The speedy fluent English were very difficult for me to understand; after all, I was attending ESL. However, throughout the years, it came natural to my sister I to talk on the phone for hours with the angry voices. Despite our young age, we had to understand the different contracts that our family was making with housing and banking companies. While kids played outside, I stayed in for hours arguing, understanding, and interpreting a tax collector's heated words. However, there was one thing that was able to soothe away my stress: my mom's warming voice. There was no better remedy to alleviate my stress from the irritating voice of the cruel world. Her delicate voice warmed me and lifted up my spirit.

With her broken English coated with an unmistakable heavy Korean accent, it was really impossible for her to communicate in this foreign land. However, my mom tried very hard to protect me and my sister with her broken English, fighting against people who are degrading her because of the language barrier. Knowing that she attended Korea's most elite university, it really angered me to hear her voice grow smaller and smaller as the society looked down on her with pity. Yet, what she had to go through did not matter to her; we were the first and foremost. Putting her fear aside, she spoke confidently to the outside world in hopes of supporting us.

Under the harsh voices was my mom's voice of strong desire to keep us safe and protected. Then I came to realize the voices taunting in my head are nothing compare to the pain that my mom was going through. I was complaining and she was not. She had the heart and the strength that I once could not comprehend. She was an independent woman who knew how to keep her priority, sacrifice her own emotions and convert the rages into such loving and warm voice. Her voice has overpowered those of landlords, tax collectors and lawyers; without me knowing, my mom had already influenced me to absorb her priceless love and effort. I am ready to express and share her respectful traits, which are now part of mine, to people around me.

So M,

I think you are on the wrong track. I would not introduce bill collectors and angry landlords in your admissions essay. Begin with something else.

Here is my revision:

When my mother first arrived in the United States, she spoke no English. Even though she was a graduate of South Korea's most prestigious university with a degree in (field), she did not know any English. Because she could not speak well, people treated her as if she were stupid. As a child, I frequently witnessed the rudeness of clerks and shopkeepers as my mother tried to make her desires understood. My sister and I often had to translate for her so that she could buy groceries or transact any business.

Even though she suddenly had to rely on her children and she faced barriers everywhere she looked, my mother never complained. She did the best she could and did all she could to make her English better. Gradually, she learned to make her voice heard, even though her English will never be perfect.

I admire her for having the courage to come to a new country and learn a new language. I admire her for having the spirit to face difficulty without ever feeling sorry for herself. In high school, I was in ESL classes and I hated it. I was bitter about being teased because I spoke English with a Korean accent. Gradually, however, I learned to follow her example and to ignore the jokes about my accent.

Whenever I hear someone who speaks English with an accent, I think about how smart that person must be because they speak at least two languages. I am grateful to my mother for teaching me to face adversity with cheerfulness and for teaching me quiet courage by her example.

Basically, my revision is designed to keep the story positive and to shine the light on your mother and her example. Remember, you are a customer to the school that accepts you, so giving them the idea that you don't pay bills or argue with people who provide services to you is not going to be helpful. Even though those reading the essay are probably not part of the business side of the school, they want students who are going to get along well and thrive on campus. Stay positive. You have a good story to tell.

Best of luck,

Eric Anderson

wow you made some really good points!
Thank you so much! i think i have a good idea of what to write now!:)

i agree with eric. you should start off with someone who has made an influence in your life rather then introducing them at the end. save the landlords and bills for the end if possible. you are trying to show them that you will be able to get along with others on the campus. you do show that you are able to stay calm in a situation.