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My own stress has been my obstacle ~ UCF Prompt



JulieB 2 / 4  
Jan 17, 2010   #1
If there has been some obstacle or "bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances.

(I'm slightly scared to enter this, simply because I don't want to give the wrong impression. But, I figured I'd want to make a true, raw, very influential answer. Any help, is greatly appreciated. Thank you.)

There was a time I was unable to live. Trapped in my own stress, I was blinded from the miracles of everyday life. Preferred torture method: grades. Patient's response: by 15, I was convinced test scores defined me and my worth was weighted by As. After all, academic excellence resulted in a top school, a successful career, and eventually a "successful life."

In hindsight, I can see the warning signs. I became obsessive of giving only perfection. I would spend hours on a simple summary assignment. If I couldn't finish a work packet, I lost the will to turn it in. Everything was "all-or-nothing". The few times I would forget my homework meant nausea for the rest of the day.

In addition to my normal academics, I participated in band. Competition was fierce, and our school was one of the highest ranked bands in the county. Our final was simple; we had to participate in the All-City Band tryouts. Failure to do so would mean an instant failure in the class. I was ready: weeks of practicing and hours of memorization had me geared for the audition. I had everything in check, other than the signed entry sheet. Time stood still as I watched the rest of the students turn their sheets, while I frantically searched for it. I had left it at home. It was the deadline, and I was missing the crucial part of the equation. As I walked out the school doors my body quaked, struck by the emotional blow of a failed class.

I went to bed unusually early that night. My parents assumed I needed sleep for the audition, they had no idea I was sitting on my bed, reviewing my life. "There are so many people with better grades, so many people to compete with. This is it. This will haunt me forever. I might as well end it now. I just ruined everything. "

Outside the light grew dimmer, the house cooled. My feelings became stronger, and in a wave of despair I concluded, this was the end. I looked at the aspirin bottle taken from the bathroom, and filled my hand. Through the tears, I suddenly realized what I was going to throw away. I was going to miss the sunsets, the spring afternoons, the chess games with my father, the laugh of my mother.

That night, I awoke to the real world. I was able to see every day as a gift, thankful to see every small miracle for what it was, to embrace the sights, smells, and sounds.

The next morning, I walked into the band hall, ready to fail. I walked in, ready to give up years of hard work, and see my GPA plummet. The Director glanced at my late paperwork, gave a halfhearted scold, and told me to start practicing for the audition. That year, I made the All-City Band.

Occasionally, I think back to that night of mortality, and I am made thankful for what I have taken back.

Through the years, my GPA has dropped from that perfection, but the lesson remains. Worry is a wasted emotion. My life is much busier now with work, school, being electrician/plumber/computer tech/general grunt for my mother and keeping an active social life. I smile, proud of the ability to juggle them all. My hands are dirty from the process, covered in strange memories, glittering with achievements, sullied with disappointments and failures. Yet through all the hardship and laughs I wouldn't change it for the world. I now look forward to the new challenges ahead of me, anxious to give my blood, sweat and tears. No longer do I look for perfection, but the thrill of gathering experiences.

brittdeno 1 / 6  
Jan 18, 2010   #2
I really like your two opening sentences! Very attention-grabbing. I totally know how you feel -- it took me until after college to start living by my new favorite quote: "The perfect is the enemy of the good." Here are some suggestions for the first half of your essay...

The stress I tortured myself with, were my grades
This sentence is a little awkward. You also used "stress" in the previous sentence; grab a thesaurus, and then think about how you can play with the sentence structure. Maybe use a simile or metaphor to make a vivid comparison? Tortured is very descriptive, though, and I like it!

At 15, I had convinced myself I was defined by test scores, and my worth was weighted by how many As I had. After all, this meant a good school, a successful career, and a eventually a "successful life".

I really like this, but it strikes me as a little off as well, & I can't quite pinpoint it. Maybe try this: "At 15, I convinced myself I was defined by test scores; I thought my worth was weighted by how many A's I received." Just a thought, but I don't know if it's grammatically correct (or simple enough). Also! Whenever you use quotation marks, it's conventional (in American usage) to put periods INSIDE quotation marks.

In addition to my normal academics, I wasparticipated in band. CompletionCompetition was fierce, and our school was one of the highest- ranked bands in the county. Our final was simple; we had to participate in the All-City Band tryouts. Failure to do so (no comma!) would mean an instant failure in the class. I was ready: weeks of practicing (no comma!) and hours of memorization had me geared for the audition.

Watch your commas! Don't just sprinkle them in to separate things; you can vary your sentence structure instead (and/or use semicolons. I heart semicolons!)

Time stood still as I watched the rest of the students turn in their sheets, andwhile I frantically searched for it. I had left it at home. It was the deadline, and I was missing the crucial part of the equation. I went home that day, with the solid fact I was going to fail a class.

That last sentence could have a better flow with the rest of the paragraph. You could try: "That day, I went home with a heavy heart, knowing I was going to fail a class for the first time." Or something to that effect :)

Good luck!!
OP JulieB 2 / 4  
Jan 18, 2010   #3
Thank you for your suggestions! Off for revisions! :D
brittdeno 1 / 6  
Jan 18, 2010   #4
Yay, post the revision so we can see it! :)

Also, I just thought about your ending a little more - college admissions officers are looking for undergraduates who aren't just focused on academics as the pinnacle of everything (even though in school, it feels like that, right?!). College offers so much more than classes, so they want students who are not only going to do well, but who also are going to participate in extracurricular activities. You demonstrate that school is important to you, which is good, and you talk about participating in honors band - but what about what you're going to do in college? At the end of your essay, it may not be enough to just say you're happier now - what about giving an example to show how you've grown? Like, now you are able to manage your time so that you can do schoolwork, do extracurricular activities, AND have a life outside of that... then connect it to how you'll be able to participate/succeed at UCF. If that makes you go over your word limit, consider editing the rest of your essay to make it concise but descriptive (and yes, this is much easier said than done).

Good luck again!

-B
OP JulieB 2 / 4  
Jan 18, 2010   #5
Once again, thank you very much for you help and insight. This is the reworked version. I will say, as much as I have changed since then, when it comes to my writing I still remain a hard taskmaster on myself. (can't really meet my own standards) So, hearing another side and an opinion other than my "This is horrid, start again", is a welcome change! :)

I think I may go through a few more times, and try to cut words that aren't crucial, but it's a start.


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