UT essay ("a pair of the beautiful earnings")

Okay , im not good at all. And as u can see i have just started. If you could read what i came up with and help me with suggestions , tips , corrections or any such thing, it would be a great help. This is my first time writing an essay for any admissions so do help!

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I opened the box and took out the beautiful earnings."For me?" I asked in supreme awe. "Who else?" she asked me, smiling. She had made for me,With her own hands, out of shells she found at the beach and little colored pebbles; a pair of (beautiful) earings.

My aunt, Shehnaz is more than 50 years of age,the mother of two children in their 20's and has been through a (terrifying) bout of cancer.

Even at her age, She manages to organize her cousins, nephews and neices to accompany her for a camping trip in the midst of the mountains. She takes me and my cousins snorkeling and mountain climbing because my parents are too lazy or scared to (do) such (wonderful) (activities). Her drives to unseen places and the experiences she shares with us hasHAVE us listening ever so intently to see what extraordinary event she is going to tell us about next.

Her ability to (be a child) with children [adopt their way of acting and thinking while with them] ,keep them engrossed in (creating things they enjoy) and exploring things for the first time endears her to all children-from toddlers to teens.

Her infallible spirit,zest for life and her ability to be comfortable with people of all ages,backgrounds,ethnicities and social strata that make her so amiable and someone to look up to. She has always weaved a close net of family and friends around her and with her lively nature,made every gathering-one that can never be forgotten.

All this has been in spite of her (illness) which she has (lived through) and battled as if nothing of the sort ever happened. She has never ever spoken about this trauma to those around her .It appears as if she gains her strength and conviction to go on in life with a "Never-say-die" attitude.

Her greatest gift is her unselfishness. She is someone who is always learning;and then teaching, who always listens;then talks, Who always gives and only then-Takes.

Apart from these extraordinary traits , she is an extremely artistic person,be it at painting ,crafts or even sewing.She is someone who does things differently.When once bored, she would go to a nearby village and take pictures of every (house's intricate and different entrances). She leaves me gaping in awe when i see the new things she has (created) by the time i visit her next.

every home's exquisite and distinctive entrances

All in all , Her lively nature, extraordinary zest for life and optimism are what endears her to me and my contact with her has deeply influenced my way of thinking , living and dealing with those around me .

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I do need to rearrange alot of stuff. But i dont know where to place what.
Also could someone suggest a title for my essay and help replace the words in the brackets with better words? Or am i asking too much?

this is a good essay no doubt

but what its lacking is 'you'

You've got to bring yourself into the picture more...because from what I've heard the officers are looking for essays that give a reflection of you..

good day

I'll go para by para I guess.:)

"Who else?" she REPLIED, smiling. With her own hands, out of shells and little colored pebbles she found at the beach, she had made for me a pair of stunning earrings.

Her drives to unseen places and the experiences she shares with us has HAVE us listening ever so intently to see what extraordinary event she is going to tell us about next.

Her ability to (be a child) with children [adopt their way of acting and thinking while with them] ,keep them engrossed in (creating things they enjoy) and exploring things for the first time endears her to all children-from toddlers to teens.

I"m not sure if you need to focus that much on things like how old her children are.

terrifying --> agonizing
do such wonderful activities --> engage in such exciting pasttimes

All this has been in spite there's a space in between of her (illness) which she has (lived through) and battled as if nothing of the sort ever happened. She has never ever spoken about this trauma to those around her .

illness --> ailment?
lived through --> suffered from

Her greatest gift is her unselfishnessselflessness.She is someone who is always learning;and then teaching, who always listens;then talks, Who always gives and only then-Takes.

When onceshe is bored, she would go to a nearby village and take pictures of every (house's intricate and different entrances).

yup this essay really needs a lot of reworking in terms of grammar, punctuation and caps. you started out fine, but things got messy and a little draggy from the 2nd para onwards. does her artistic nature influence your way of thinking, living and dealing with those around you? if not, you may choose to omit that. focus on what will work towards your conclusion.

you might want to specifically state what you have learnt from each of the points you have put down cuz it doesn't seem apparent to me. more like an essay about your aunt rather than about yourself.

but work it through :) after all it's only your first attempt. so good luck!

Thankyou so much , You've really been a great help!

to this sentence:

Her greatest gift is her selflessness.She is someone who is always learning;and then teaching, who always listens;then talks, Who always gives and only then takes

should i add I only wish i could be more like her and care more about those around me with a helpful and determined attitude ?

Would that help?

also do i need to rearrange the paragraphs? and where and how should i fit it in how she has influenced me + taught me new things + given me help , support and advice?

Also, can i add things like " from an early age she has taught me how to create new things (like paper mache) and puppets and how to weave baskets?" and "she has tought me how to look at things with a brighter attitude and truly believe the glass is half full rather than half empty" ?

Please help

it's a topic of your own choice right? so you don't really have to worry about how it's gonna fit a prompt. just have to make sure that your essay flows well.

About the wishing part. Actually I think the 2nd sentence is ungrammatical but I don't exactly know how to change it for you cuz I don't really get what you mean. Here's how I'd change it according to what I think you're trying to say.

Her greatest gift is her selflessness. She constantly learns, then teaches; listens, then talks; gives, then receives. Her helpful and determined attitude is something I want to emulate so that I can learn how to care more about those around me.

I think they are two ways of arranging your essay.
1) list her qualities in 1/2 paras. then talk about how all these qualities influence you as a whole.
2) list a quality and then talk about how it influences you altogether in the same para.
In either case, you can sum up the more general influences in your conclusion.

Yup i like that optimism part. shows how your personality has evolved cuz of your aunt. but how does making puppets and stuff affect your life? you might wanna bring that across, if not i feel that it's redundant.

:)

Actually, I agree with onido, you didn't mention about you (if not include the intro and the last paragraph), I think you should figure out how she affect you (I think that), not only talking about her so we can know more about you rather than your aunt.

and I have another way which could help you:
first: choose the quality you like best from her and talk about it
second: tell how it affect you ( how, when,why... )
third: show how you at the present are different from you in the past
last: your conclusion

Great, it is strong as long as there is at least one sentence that powerfully stells the central truth of the essay, and as long as you do not digress too much from that idea. Keep it powerful by keeping it interconnected as you write about various aspects of one central phenomenon, which in this case is the subject of your story.

Great collaboration here!