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"to look at the positive side" + "UCF's beautiful campus" - ucf undergraduate essay!


alibaba5 1 / 3  
Sep 13, 2010   #1
Essay: The personal statements are a very important part of your application. They assist the university in knowing you as an individual, independent of test scores and other objective data. We ask that you respond to two of the topics below. Your personal statement should be no longer than a total of 500 words or 7000 characters for both statements combined. The best personal statements are not necessarily the longest ones

1. If there has been some obstacle or "bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances:
I've always been taught to look at the positive side of any situation. I learned to acknowledge and succeed obstacles with a resolution. I look for ways to learn and improve. You always have to open your eyes to overlook a situation. Residing in Puerto Rico, my mom raised me. Even though the father figure was evanescent and eventually ceased to be a part of my life, this only showed my mom and me to be independent. After some time elapsed, my mother was very fortunate to find my stepfather, whom I call father because he took care of me like I was his own daughter. The next incident that I was presented with was my migration to the United States. Leaving the only place I had grown accustomed to was an arduous burden. Familiarizing myself with new faces and distinct surroundings was all part of my adaptation process. I never really knew what to expect but I always remained positive. It was time for my new life. Was I ready for it? It was a lot to endure and develop but I had my mindset. I obliterated all the excuses. I worked persistently and I am proud to say that I am fully bilingual. Being bilingual is a tremendous advantage in the world today and I will utilize my ability to improve society and promote others to do the same. Lastly, the most difficult period in my life was last summer. My father became aware that he had a heart problem. It was brought to his attention that he needed immediate open heart surgery. Knowing that there were large risks, I panicked. Then I realized, what can I do to make things better? My dad and I were strong for each other and we promised to overcome this vulnerable stage. Fortunately, it was a great turn out. After some time, my dad was released to come home. This taught me to be strong not only physically but also mentally. Nevertheless, Competition is what the United States is fundamentally built around. To overcome situations and develop the strength to live and learn you have to go through the lessons that life endows you.

3. Why did you choose to apply to UCF?
What is there not to like about UCF's beautiful campus? My initial reaction as soon as I arrived to the campus was "Wow! I can already see myself getting used to this pleasant and welcoming environment". Since then i have visited frequently. Who wouldn't want to be a part of life here? UCF has high expectations which means, it teaches their students to be the best they can possibly be. This university gives me motivation to actualize my career. You know you belong when you already can picture yourself here. Not only is the education branch impressive, the sports program is fascinating. The support of the University when their team plays, the fans who never miss out on a game, and those who never fail to cheer on for the knights is what makes this school well rounded educationally and personally.

-is there anything i can change or maybe somethings are unnecessary? i tried to keep the 1st part of the essay under 400 so i would have enough words to write my 2ND part of the essay(limit 500) but the 2nd part for some reason seems limited.

let me know =)
ChrisWalker 1 / 3  
Sep 15, 2010   #2
I've always been taught to look at the positive side of any situation. I learned to acknowledge and succeed obstacles with a resolution. I look for ways to learn and improve. You always have to open your eyes to overlook a situation.Excessive in my opinion Residing in Puerto Rico, my mom raised me.Sounds wierd, try to combine sentences here, also, "the father figure? How about 'my father'?" Even though the father figure was evanescent and eventually ceased to be a part of my life, this only showed my mom and me to be independent. After some time elapsed, my mother was very fortunate to find my stepfather, whom I call father because he took care of me like I was his own daughter. The next incident that I was presented with was my migration to the United States. Leaving the only place I had grown accustomed to was an arduous burden. Familiarizing myself with new faces and distinct surroundings was all part of my adaptation process. I never really knew what to expect but I always remained positive. It was time for my new life. Was I ready for it? It was a lot to endure and develop but I had my mindset. I obliterated all the excuses. I worked persistently and I am proud to say that I am fully bilingual. Being bilingual is a tremendous advantage in the world today and I will utilize my ability to improve society and promote others to do the same. Lastly, the most difficult period in my life was last summer. My father became aware that he had a heart problem. It was brought to his attention that he needed immediate open heart surgery. Knowing that there were large risks, I panicked. Then I realized, what can I do to make things better? My dad and I were strong for each other and we promised to overcome this vulnerable stage. Fortunately, it was a great turn out. After some time, my dad was released to come home. This taught me to be strong not only physically but also mentally. Nevertheless, Competition is what the United States is fundamentally built around. To overcome situations and develop the strength to live and learn you have to go through the lessons that life endows you.

There are many instances where it's too fragmented, too many incomplete thoughts - to many short sentences. Try to combine them or get rid of the excess.
OP alibaba5 1 / 3  
Sep 15, 2010   #3
thank you for your help Chris! I appreciate it =)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Sep 16, 2010   #4
Promote is not good in this sentence...
and promote help others to do the same.---help is better.

Divide the first essay into a few paragraphs.

I think you have a GREAT writing style, and bilingualism is a good theme to use.

Since then I have visited frequently. Who wouldn't want to be a part of life here? --- I like this part.

UCF has high expectations which means, it teaches their students to be the best they can possibly be. ---- I do NOT like this part. Very boring and obvious, a waste of words.

Okay, actually, I like the first one, but the whole "Why did you choose to apply to UCF?" part is not good. It has no substance. It is obviously good writing, but you need to talk about your intentions for the next few years. Do you have some specific goals? Talk about them here.

:-)
OP alibaba5 1 / 3  
Sep 16, 2010   #5
thank you kevin, im going to edit it and i will repost it shortly , let me know your opinion as soon as you can because im planning to submit the essay today you know the sooner the better

thanks for your time =)
OP alibaba5 1 / 3  
Sep 16, 2010   #6
What is there not to like about UCF's beautiful campus? My initial reaction when I first visited the campus was "Wow! I can already see myself getting used to this pleasant and welcoming environment". Since then I have visited frequently. Who wouldn't want to be a part of life here? The location of the University is in a fascinating city with unlimited experiences which increases my desire to be here. I have many intentions in the following years which include being involved with my Communications/Broadcasting field and also with extracurricular activities. I want to contribute as much as I can to UCF, I am also looking forward to becoming part of a team because I have considerable leadership skills. Also, I want to reach out to students and become a helping hand for those who need it. I am determined to be successful and I really want to make a difference at UCF and perhaps be acknowledged for my determination to lead and guide others.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Sep 19, 2010   #7
What is there not to like about UCF's beautiful campus?

It's a cliche. I guess I don't like this sentence.

Consider starting with this:
My initial reaction when I first visited the UFC campus was, "W ow! I can already see myself getting used to this pleasant and welcoming environment."

I want to contribute as much as I can to UCF, I am also looking forward to becoming part of a team because I acquired considerable leadership skills as a ____________.

:-)


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