Please tell us how you have spent the last two summers (or vacations between school years), including any jobs you have held, if not already detailed on the Common Application.
While I wish to provide an account of two productive and enlightening summers, I respectfully submit to you the reality of my life during these time periods.
The summer of 2009 was complicated and taxing. I was faced with the reality of not having the ability to plan activities or commit to any jobs because my parents were going through a custody and visitation battle, rendering my schedule unpredictable. It was immensely frustrating and disappointing that I was scarcely able to participate in anything productive or enjoyable. Although my time was greatly consumed by court hearings, mediation sessions, and counseling, I attended a summer camp called "Tools4Life," a weeklong overnight camp consisting of career days, hikes, dances, and learning life skills. Tools4Life was an incredible experience, providing a much-needed reprieve from the chaos that overtook the majority of my summer. I was also able to travel to Maine, an annual trip for my mother, sister and myself. We spent a peaceful week in August at my Grandfather's house in Friendship, Maine, located right on the ocean, which was a calm way to end a tumultuous summer.
The summer of 2010, while again filled with visitation issues, was more enjoyable than the summer prior. In the fall of my junior year I was invited to travel with People to People Ambassador Programs, and I did so the next July. Leading up to this, however, I was presented with another overwhelming obstacle; ten days before my scheduled departure, my father unilaterally revoked my right to leave the country because I had expressed discontent with our visitation. This was especially disappointing because I had raised the funds for the trip on my own, and they would not be refunded if canceled at such a late date. In an attempt to resolve this issue, I forfeited a job that I had scheduled, and immediately flew to New Mexico, where my father lives. Unfortunately, my attempts to remedy the situation were in vain, and I returned home seeking another solution. By way of the court's intervention, I was permitted to go on my trip, contingent on my agreeing to spend the remainder of my summer in New Mexico. I was, however, able to attend half of Tools4Life camp for the second time, although I left for visitation the day after the camp's conclusion. While I turned my attention to resiliently beginning my senior year and returning home to my supportive mother and sister, I wished that I had been able to experience the summer that I had envisioned.
General revisions much appreciated! Thanks :)
I think you're writing is solid. I was going to go through and edit the whole thing, but I didn't see anything that needed correcting or rewording.
You may want to try and sound a little less whiny. Be careful you don't seem like you're just complaining about the situation with your parents.The last sentence might need some rewording, as well as several parts of the first paragraph. I think if you added a few subtle changes it would help change the tone of your essay a lot.
What I think I would do is be a little more clear about what you had hoped to accomplish over the summer, and how your actual summer differed from those expectations. A sentence about how despite the fact your summer wasn't what you had hoped, you learned this, this and this; or you found that life is full of disappointments, and that it's not about the obstacles you face, but what you can accomplish despite those obstacles.
I guess doing that makes it sound more like a normal essay, but I think if you are subtle about you can make it still sound like just an account of your summer.
I was faced with the reality of not having the ability to plan activities or commit to any jobs because my parents were going through a custody and visitation battle, rendering my schedule unpredictable
In the fall of my junior year I was invited to travel with People to People Ambassador Programs, and I did so the next July (this information seems almost redundant. May be just "I travelled with People to People Ambassador Programs)
I think the rest is fine. What you did during the summer of 2010 really show how committed and creative you are (:
