"Parliamentary inspection of the administration" - Commonapp 150word essay

Hi. please proofread this short essay and give any suggestions
I don't know what to write in just 150 words
though my essay is exactly 150words, I don't think it's good enough... Please help!!

In the space provided below, elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)
Representing forty-eight million people and a thousand monitors, only three were allowed to enter each committee. Parliamentary inspection of the administration was held twenty days a year. However, before NGOs monitored it, the congress neglected it. That day, I was allowed to enter the legislative committee. I arrived early, read the sourcebook and arranged my thoughts. The most important mission of the spot monitors was to check congressmen's concentration and the exact time they leave their seats because cameras only focus on the person who is speaking. After the fourteen hours of monitoring, I was at one part relieved because there are many lawmakers who really do their best but at the other part, I was distressed because some people slept or even left the place. I pledged to myself to become a person who could make an atmosphere and system that a public figure cannot dare neglect his duty.

penn2015

Representing forty-eight million people and a thousand monitors, only three were allowed to enter each committee. Parliamentary inspection of the administration was held twenty days a year. However, before NGOs monitored it, the congress neglected it. That day, I was allowed to enter the legislative committee. I arrived early, read the sourcebook and arranged my thoughts. The most important mission of the spot monitors was to check congressmen's concentration and the exact time they leave their seats because cameras only focus on the person who is speaking. After the fourteen hours of monitoring, On one hand I was relieved because there are many lawmakers who really do their best but on the other hand , I was distressed because some people slept or even left the place. I pledged to myself to become a person who could make an atmosphere and system where a public figure cannot dare neglect his duty.

hope i helped a bit.

Scratch some out to make some room:
Representing forty-eight million people and a thousand monitors, only three were allowed to enter each committee. Parliamentary inspection of the administration was held twenty days a year. However, before NGOs monitored it, the congress neglected it. Replace this with a sentence that clearly tells the reader what you are talking about! It is confusing.

The most important mission of the spot monitors was to check congressmans' concentration and the exact time they leave their seats because cameras only focus on the person who is speaking. After the fourteen hours of monitoring, I was at one part relieved because there are many lawmakers who really do their best but at the other part, I was distressed because some people slept or even left the place. ---- add a sentence at the end to make sure the reader understands the main idea you want them to remember --- your theme.

:-)