"to be part of Key Club" - on Extra Curricular activities

Hello, so the topic I have to write about from the common app is:
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer, 1000 character maximum).

This is my response

Choosing to be part of Key Club changed my life in multiple ways. Beginning as a regular member, I was able to connect with other students while planning fund-raising ideas at the same time. As I attended more meetings, I had the desire to be more involved. As a student experienced in web design, I chose to run for a staff position of Web Master. After being elected based off of my skill, my opportunities to contribute my creativity and leadership skills increased. Along with other staff members, I was able to plan more ideas for community service, such as volunteering at hospitals and cleaning up beaches. Through the three-day Leadership Training Conference in Monticello, I was able to make friendships with Key Clubbers beyond New York City as well as re-ignite bonds with old middle school friends that joined the club from their own respective high schools.

Should I fix or change anything? Please help! Thank you!

Choosing to be part of Key Club changed my life in multiple ways.

Beginning as a regular member, I was able to connect with other students

How?

while planning fund-raising ideas at the same time.

What fundraising ideas?

As I attended more meetings, I had the desire to be more involved.

What did you see in those meetings that fueled your desire to be more involved?

As a student experienced in web design, I chose to run for a staff position of Web Master.

Instead of telling us that you got your position, tell us what you did as a Web Master.

After being elected based off of my skill, my opportunities to contribute my creativity and leadership skills increased. Along with other staff members, I was able to plan more ideas for community service, such as volunteering at hospitals and cleaning up beaches. Through the three-day Leadership Training Conference in Monticello, I was able to make friendships with Key Clubbers beyond New York City as well as re-ignite bonds with old middle school friends that joined the club from their own respective high schools.

Loved this part because it' more detailed.

Almost all of your sentences begin with prephositional phrases: Through the, After the, As a student, Instead of, Along with. Vary sentence structures

I hope this helps!

you should go more in-depth it looks like you did many great things expand on them

Thanks, ill try but its hard to expand with only 150 words maximum >_<

You can easily change things by being more specific. For example, you don't have to say you're experienced at web design. You can say that typing code for the key club website forced me to sparked my creativity. I made up that example, but they'll know immediately that your good at website design.

I agree with diboy2. Mentioning you are good at web design could be replaced with a sentence that says MORE about the activity and INDIRECTLY state you are good at web design. Good writing by the way. Best of Luck :)!!

Check on my essays if you have any chance :)!

Thank you guys,

how does this sound?

My experience in Key Club has given me the opportunity to volunteer and participate in various activities while developing social skills at the same time. We developed ideas for fund-raising, such as Ice-Skating for a charity organization at Battery Park City. Attending more meetings strengthened my desire to be more involved. I ran and was elected for the staff position of Web Master and designed the current LaGuardia Key Club Website. With fellow staff members, I was able to plan ideas for community service, such as volunteering at hospitals and cleaning up beaches. We even advocated and volunteered for significant events, such as the AIDS walk and the Breast Cancer Walk. Through the three-day Leadership Training Conference in Monticello, I was able to make friendships with Key Clubbers beyond the City, re-ignite bonds with old friends, and develop stronger leadership skills that I even apply outside of Key Club.

I ran and was elected for the staff position of Web Master and designed the current LaGuardia Key Club Website.

awesome!!!