opportunities to do practical science. I have learned through my role as president to take charge, delegate responsibilities, be creative, innovative, exciting,
This is the part that is impressive. It has the magic words. The way people communicate is more superficial than you might expect. They respond to certain words that impress them and make them recognize something they associate with good qualities -- exciting, innovative, role as president... the fact that you use these words impresses the reader.
However, in the first half of the essay you have few magic words.
So... as you revise, consider the feeling you want to instill with the words you choose to use. :-)