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"The president of the Ardenne High Science Club" - Extra-cuuricular activities


DMA17 8 / 31  
Dec 10, 2010   #1
Please read and evaluate this short essay on my school's science club for CommonApp. Any advice on how to improve on it will be greatly appreciated.

Prompt: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activites or work experience

My school places a large emphasis on test grades and homework, creating a serious mood throughout the school, and as president of the Ardenne High Science Club, I have always promoted creativity and enjoyment. The Ardenne High Science Club is an after school club that offers students the chance to do science-related activities that extend and enhance the science they experience in the classroom.

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Buzz - / 1  
Dec 10, 2010   #2
My school places a large emphasis on test grades and homework, creating a serious mood throughout the school, and as president of the Ardenne High Science Club, I have always promoted creativity and enjoyment. The Ardenne High Science Club is an after school club that offers students the chance to do science-related activities that extend and enhance the science they experience in the classroom. The club's programmes reflect the interests of the students, the club organiser and the facilities available. It uses the opportunity to explore areas of science not covered by the curriculum and to give the club members plenty of opportunities to do practical science. I have learned through my role as president to take charge, delegate responsibilities, be creative, innovative, exciting, and take responsibility. I hope to use these attributes to contribute to many of the clubs and activities of this institution.

Instead of talking in generic terms about the activities of the club, you would be better off if you talk about specific topics, like activities that the club arranged, any awards that it won.

Focus on your role as a leader and try to include one or two specific examples.

Change "serious mode" to sth else... it looks kinda odd.
OP DMA17 8 / 31  
Dec 10, 2010   #3
Thanks for the timely response and the advice. I will definitely add something more specific in terms of activities. I'm just wondering how to do that and still stay within the word limit.

I plan to include our recent Halloween special that we hosted , where we made fake blood and slime.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 21, 2010   #4
opportunities to do practical science. I have learned through my role as president to take charge, delegate responsibilities, be creative, innovative, exciting,

This is the part that is impressive. It has the magic words. The way people communicate is more superficial than you might expect. They respond to certain words that impress them and make them recognize something they associate with good qualities -- exciting, innovative, role as president... the fact that you use these words impresses the reader.

However, in the first half of the essay you have few magic words.

So... as you revise, consider the feeling you want to instill with the words you choose to use. :-)


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