My partner, as well as my best friend (significant person) my English 4 Honors Class!

Assignment:Indicate a person who has made a significant influence on you, describe that influence.

I had to do a college essay for my English 4 Honors class and I did mine on a topic from the University of Miami. We pre edited them in class, but this is kind of the final draft and I want to make sure it is perfect before turning it in. She is a writer by heart, so she is tough. Please tell me what should I correct.

As someone who was not close with their family, I had a difficult time distinguishing a role model in my life. Over the years, as I have watched my peers credit others for their road to success, I worried that I would never have that type of support in my life. It was not until my significant other, who is also my best friend, that I finally found someone to help me on the journey toward becoming a better, and more confident, person. Without him, I don't know if I would have gained the most essentials traits in my life today.

Since my partner came into my life, I have changed in a way that I never thought possible. I find myself learning from him everyday and, even if it is the slightest lesson, it has a great significance to me. For example, he is a very calm and stress free individual. I admire this quality, essentially allowing him to make clear decisions. As time passes, I learn from his ways, and make positive changes to become more relaxed.

Assisting me to relieve undesirable stress in my life is not his only positive influence. I used to be a very shy individual, and I disliked presenting my opinions in front of a group of people. My partner stresses the significance of stating your mind, forewarning that if you miss your chance to talk, you may never get the opportunity again. I have become very fortunate to have broken that habit, and now I enjoy speaking in front of others.

By becoming more relaxed, and obtaining confidence in my own voice, I have been able to concentrate more on priorities in my life. I am determined to pursue my goal of going to college to become an elementary school teacher. My partner constantly states how vital it is to obtain a higher form of education, and to aim for a career of my choice. Since he began studying for his future career, his study habits have been instilled into me. Procrastination used to get the best of me, but I am no longer that individual. With his support, I feel that I can accomplish my future endeavors.

My partner's significance in my life will stay marked in my heart forever, and for that I am eternally grateful. With this new found confidence in myself, my goals finally seem to be within my reach. I feel ready to take on new and exciting challenges that come my way in the near future. By implementing the positive traits I have learned from him, I am confident in my ability to be a successful student, future educator, and person all together.

Hi Amber-

I know you said that this was more of a final draft, but I think that there a lot of sentences here that are very repetitive. By incorporating a larger variety of word choices, fixing some awkward sentences, and taking out those unnecessary sentences, I believe that your message will be a little more clear. I see the admiration you have for your partner, and I really hear your voice here. If you would like, you should put up a revised draft so we can take another look.

Please note that all of these are suggestions, and are to be taken with a grain of salt. Good luck!

When I wasGrowing up, I found it very difficult to find an individual worthy enough to look up too . (Why is this? This statement kind of floats by itself. You should follow it with a sort explanation, or cut out the sentence all together). Many times, I have realized that there is always a person who is accredited for the success of another. Through the many people I have encountered in my life, there is only one I can truthfully state who has made an importance influence on myself today. My significant other, who is my best friend as well as my loved one, has greatly impacted my life. Through him, I have learned to become a better and more responsible person.

Since my partner came into my life, I have changed in a way that I never thought possible. On different occasions, I find myself learning from him everyday and, even if it is the slightest lesson, it has a great impact (this is a repeat word, you should find a synonym to put here) on me. For example, he is a very calm and stress free individual. and on the other hand I am the total oppositeThis is a quality that I do not naturally posses. As time has passedpasses, I have learnedlearn from his ways, and I began to make a positive changesand adapt to becominge a calm and stress less more relaxed(I would take out "calm and stress less" because it is repetitive) individual. This is very important because I believe that by learning this important trait;, I have made significant steps to becoming a better individual.

Becoming a calm and stress free individual(again, repetitive)Helping me to relieve unnecessary stress in my lifewasn'tisn't the only thing he has impacted my life on ("impact is repetitive) influence he has had. Since being together, school has always been a number one priority but as we have been getting older it really has become important to me.(I think the next few sentences get the point across just fine, so this sentence is unnecessary) Since he began studying for his future career, his study habits have been instilled in me. Before my bad habits of procrastination used to get the best of me, but through him I am no longer that individual. My partner constantly states how vital it is to become someone in life andby obtaining a higher form of education withand pursuing a career of my choice is important . Not only does he remind me of the importance of my education and career path,heSubsequently, he is very supportsive in my decision to become an elementary school teacher. With his support, I feel that I can accomplish my future goals in life. At times when I feel that I can't do something, he lets me know that I can and to keep striving for the top.He has taught me the importance of getting things done in a timely matter and now I enjoy getting assignments done early.

In addition to what I have mentioned about, he has impacted my life by making (you use "impact" again) helped me a to be a very [b]more outspoken and opinionated individual. Before, I wasused to be a very shy individual and I never even liked presenting in a group of people, but now I enjoy it. My partner knowsstresses the importance of stating what is on your mind in the moment and, because if you miss your chance to talk, you may never get that opportunity again. Sometimes, I never used to get a chance to state my mind but now he has made me grow out of that stage.(this is another sentence that just repeats what you already said) I have become very fortunate to have broken that habit. becauseSpeaking publicly is not only an essential part of life,but vital for the career choice I am determined to accomplish.

Thanks to my significant other, my partner, as well as my best friend(this is structured in an awkward way) I am a changed person. Through his positive influence I have become the individual I always knew I was set out to be, I just needed a little push. Becoming a responsible, outspoken, and stress free individual is the way to be and take on the world of adult hood (this is an awkward sentence). I am eternally grateful to have learned so much from him, and I hope that I have made an impact on my partner as well. I now conclude that my life has turned around for the better and for that I have great admiration for my partner.(this is another repeat sentence)

Hello, Kayla!
Thank you so much for revising my essay! I have made the revisions necessary and I took up all of your suggestions they were really helpful to me. I re wrote it again, please let me know if I still need anything tweaked. Anyone else who feels they need to tell me what I should change please do, I am open for suggestions (:

Hi Amber-

Great job on this new draft! When you make a new draft, it sort of becomes a new essay Essays are always a work in progress (I'm writing one right now :-P), and I really admire your ability to go with the flow. I was getting a little lost as I was reading, so I tried something new. I switched a paragraph to make the content flow better, then added suggestions to polish that up a bit. This may be a little overwhelming, so let me explain:

Intro: I was never close to my family, and was worried I would never have support. Then I met my partner. He helps me become better, more confident person.

P2: He helped me to focus on relaxing.
P3: He helped me to speak my mind.
P4: Both of these things help me, along with my new study skills, to attain my goals.
Conclusion: I'm so glad he came into my life. I feel more confident and ready to take on the world.

It makes it more of a story of how he changed your life, then merely a list of examples. It also adds a theme to your essay: that everything he did increased your confidence, allowing you to change your own life. Take a look at this, and let me know what you think...

As someone who was not very close with their family, I had a difficult time identifying a role model in my life. (I just combined the following two sentences).Growing up, I found it very difficult to find an individual worthy enough to look up to. I have had a very hard time trying to be close to someone because I was never close to family or friends I have in my life.Many times, I have realized that there is always a person who is accredited for the success of another.(This is an awkward sentence, it makes a statement, but doesn't follow up. Try the following sentence.)Over the years, as I have watched my peers credit others for their road to success, I worried that I would never have that type of support in my life. It was not until my significant other, who is also my best friend, that I finally found someone to help me on the journey toward becoming a better, and more confident, person.Through the many people I have encountered in my life, there is only one I can truthfully state who has made an importance influence on myself today. My significant other, who is my best friend as well as my loved one, has greatly impacted my life. Through I learned to become a better and more responsible person.(I just tried to take what you said, and make it flow a little better)

Since my partner came into my life, I have changed in a way that I never thought possible. On different occasions,(since you say "everyday" in the next sentence, you don't need to preface it) I find myself learning from him everyday and, even if it is the slightest lesson, it has a great significance onto me. For example, though I do not posses this quality, he is a very calm and stress free individual. Naturally, I do not posses this type of quality. As time passes, I learn from his ways, and make positive changes to become a more relaxed.individual(you said "individual" in the last sentence, be careful not to be repetitive). I believe that by learning this trait, I have made significant steps to becoming a better individual.(I took out this sentence because it repeats what you already said. when you conclude a paragraph, you don't always have to write a "conclusion sentence," just end with a sentence that transitions into the next paragraph)

Assisting me to relieve undesirable stress in my life is not thehis only positive influence he has had . I used to be a very shy individual[b], and I neverdisliked presenting my opinions (i added this because you say your partner talks about stating your mind. this means opinions, not just schools presentations.) in front of a group of people but now, I enjoy it . My partner stresses the importance of stating what is on your mind,cautioning thatin the moment and if you miss your chance to talk, you may never get that opportunity again. I have become very fortunate to have broken that habit, and now I enjoying speaking in front of others. Speaking publicly is not only an essential part of life, but vital for the career choice I am determined to accomplish. (this sentence will tie in to the next paragraph)

By become more relaxed in the face of stress, and gaining more confidence in my own voice, I have been able to focus more on the priorities in my life.I would love to pursue my goal of going to college tobecome an elementary school teacher. My partner constantly states how vital it is to become someone in life by obtaining a higher form of education, and to pursuinge a career of my choice is important . Since he began studying for his future career, his study habits have been instilled into me. Before my bad habits ofProcrastination used to get the best of me, but through him(you already made it clear that this was a result of his influence)I am no longer that individual. (you already say "vital" in the sentence, so "is important" is a repeat)Respectively, he is very supportive of my decision to become an elementary school teacher.(mentioned earlier) With his support, I feel that I can accomplish my future goals in life endeavors ("Goals" is in the second sentence, so i"m adding word variety).

My admiration for him has not only made me who I am, defined who I was set out to become in the future. Thanks to the influence of my partner, I never want to go back to being the old individual I once was. In fact, I know that his significance in my life will stay marked in my heart forever and for that, I am eternally grateful. Like I said, one can always accredit others for their success in life, and I know who I will designate my accomplishments to in the future.This entire paragraph is repetitive, and the last sentence would no longer be relevant if you change the intro. I like some of the stuff you had in your old conclusion, so draw from that...

Since I have been with my partner, I have become a better version of myself, and finally feel that my greatest potential is withing reach. By complimenting my best qualities, and influencing me to conquer my challenges, he has instilled a confidence in me that I otherwise would not have had. His significance in my life will stay marked in my heart forever, and for that I am eternally grateful.

If you want to try this new structure out, put the new draft up so we can see how it works. Good luck! :)

Hello Kayla! I am so sorry to have answered so late, but I finally was able to come and try out your suggestion. I have made the revisions and it is really looking great to me now, it makes more sense.

Please feel free to suggest anything else that should be revised or changed. (:

Hi Amber-

This looks wonderful!!! I would just add a comma (noted below). Also, I think you're right about the conclusion. I'd suggest you focus it more on how you are grateful for his influence, and will apply it to your time at U of M. I wrote a suggestion below. Feel free to change it in a way that best suites you:

Assisting me to relieve undesirable stress in my life is not his only positive influence. I used to be a very shy individual, (comma) and I disliked presenting my opinions in front of a group of people.

Since I have been with my partner, I have finally become the person that I wanted to be, and through his influence I am a better individual. By becoming a relaxed, responsible and focused being my goals seem to be within reach. His significance in my life will stay marked in my heart forever, and for that I am eternally grateful.

My partner's significance in my life will stay marked in my heart forever, and for that I am eternally grateful. With this new found confidence in myself, my goals finally seem to be within my reach, and I feel ready to take on new and exciting challenges. By applying the positive traits I have learned from him, I am confident in my ability to be successful student at the University of Miami.

Your essay has come really far, and looks really great. After you finish this draft, I would suggest that you do a side-by-side comparison of the first and final drafts. Taking the time to admire your progress, and making sure that you have not lost your voice in the revisions, is a great final step to take. Great job, and let me know how it all turns out! :)

Amber, this looks great. Your essay has come really far, and you should feel confident turning it in! I'm excited to hear the result of your hard work. God luck :)

Okay! I will let you know! (: Thank you so much! (:

I have changed in a way that I had never thought...

I am determined to pursue my goal of going to college to become an inspired elementary school teacher.

Yes, this is pretty great! I'm impressed by all the work in this forum. One important thing, though, Amber: you are making your smileys backwards! Look at Kayla's example:

hear the result of your hard work. Good luck :)
The smiley has to be laying on his right side so that the eyes are on your left! That is the proper way to make a smiley.

If you want to use the "active voice":
Since he began studying for his future career, his study habits have been instilled into me.
Since he began studying for his future career, he has instilled his study habits into me.

Thank you for the input :)

I am glad to let you know I got a B on the essay.
She said it was good but felt like something was missing, although
I felt the essay was great! Thank you for all the help! I look forward to posting more essays
in order to receive some help, which I might do sometime today!

Thank you!

Thanks, Amber! I wonder what she thought was missing. She should be able to express what it was.

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