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'My passion for speed' UC Personal Statement Prompt 1


stevenlee973 1 / -  
Oct 7, 2012   #1
Please criticize and find error or holes in my essay as much as possible! Your feedback will be much appreciated.
I know I am not a good writer, but I tried to cover all the element a stellar essay need to impress the dean...

1. Describe the world you come from ï for example, your family, community or school ï and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

August 3, 2011, a drunk driver hopped into the driver seat, ignited the engine, and drifted out of the parking lot recklessly. His vision was blurred, his mind was altered, he sped through the red light and made a sharp left turn. All Ashley saw was a pair of blazing headlights, slamming her car and spinning it like a whining top. Our angel was left brain-dead days later, and our tears continued to stream down our faces. When I saw "R.I.P" statuses on social media I was traumatized and overwhelmed with the rush of emotion. The excruciating loss of a great friend caused me to realize how fragile human life is. You only live once, that is why I grasp every opportunity I encounter and seek to exceed my potential. As a Chinese immigrant, I was bestowed a priceless opportunity to expand my vision and explicate my goal as a human being. My family had gambled their hope, their love, and their resources on me so that I can be as bright as the shooting star. The relationships nurtured between my family and I become the tenacious force throughout my academic and extracurricular life to excel beyond the sky's limit so that my family can be proud.

When I was 2 years old, the image of a complete household was broken as my mother decided to diverge onto her own way. Heavily in debt, my father persevered through the economic depression in Hong Kong and built a strong, passionate yet disciplined home. My father sacrificed his youth and energy to ensure my quality upbringing that he once deprived of. I tried to offer two cents to his problems, but he responded with a fleeting smile, and padded my head with tears of joy. Every person has responsibilities, he said with slight alleviation, and his main responsibility is to work two jobs a day to provide for the family, while my focus should be on academic performance. From then on, I put my utter attention into education to not only ameliorate my future, but also served as a promise to my father and my family so that they can be proud for my achievement. When I was 12, my father was recruited to work oversea for a greater sum of salary. We understood that I cannot stay in Hong Kong by myself; the only solution for me was to move to United States to live with my mother. Separating with my father was tough, but I know that leaving for quality education and to possibly be the first family member to attend college is a once-in-a-life-time opportunity to illuminate my future and achieve my dream.

Opportunity can easily go unnoticed. I seek to take every opportunity to help shape what I become today, whether it is education in America, teaching tennis to children, or simply picking the suitable college. Not only have I learned to take advantage of valuable opportunities, but I have also been inspired to shape the future with my presence and knowledge. Throughout my educational experience, scrutinizing research on every career, internship at UC Irvine, my love for math, chemistry and physics infused, I long to become a mechanical engineer. My passion for speed has propelled me to engineer a lightening monster that roars on the race track. Here I am, presented with an unprecedented chance to obtain a college degree. I am eager to flip to the next chapter of my life journey. I am ready to contribute to the society and create opportunities.

Jennyflower81 - / 690 96  
Oct 8, 2012   #2
August 3, 2011, a drunk driver hopped into the driver seat, ignited the engine, and recklessly drifted out of the parking lot.recklessly. His vision was blurred and his mind was altered.He sped through the red light and made a sharp left turn.

Our angel was left brain-dead days later, and our tears continued to stream down our faces.

Use one more sentence before this one to create a better transition. Say something like "The accident sent a shock wave through our community, as our friend became another innocent victim to a drunk driver." (btw.. I am so sorry for your loss, it must be a difficult subject to write about and you are very strong!)

When I saw "R.I.P" statuses on social media, I was traumatized and overwhelmed with the rush of emotion.

The excruciating loss of a great friend caused me to realize howthat human life is extremely fragile.human life is.

As a Chinese immigrant...

At this point, starting with this idea, begin a new paragraph (try to make your essay have an intro, body, and conclusion)


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