A passion for volleybal - Columbia Supplemental essay

Hey guys! I'm applying ED for Columbia and English isn't my first language so I was wondering if you have any advice for me about my essay down here:

Columbia supplemental essays: What single activity listed in the activity section of your Common Application are you most proud of and why? (150 words or less)

Volleyball has been my passion since I remember. When I was 10 I finally convinced my mom to let me play (she was hesitant as my sister got a hernia from volleyball) and it has been the best decision in my life so far. Winning regionals twice when I was a captain of the team gave me fulfillment, but what I have really learned from volleyball is that winning a game isn't a necessity. Losing a game can actually bring your team closer together and requires you to accept failure. To me, volleyball is much more than a sport. It relaxes me and at the same time gives me the adrenaline that I need after I have been studying for a test for three hours. After playing, my body might be tired, but my mind is more focused than ever, and thus helps me to study for my test.

You never answered the prompt. The prompt was why are you most proud of this activity? You need to fully flush out what about playing volleyball makes you so proud to play the sport. - Admissions Advice Online

Valerie, we need to correct some grammar parts.

Volleyball has ALWAYS been my passion since I CAN remember.
When I was 10 I finally convinced my mom to let me play (she was hesitant as my sister got a hernia from volleyball)
- Just speak in a normal tone. Don't use asides like the parenthesis to whisper information. This is a statement. So let your voice be heard. Don't make it stand alone.

and it has been the best decision in of my life so far.

Winning regionals twice when WHILE I was a captain of the team
I have really learned from volleyball is that winning a game isn't a necessity THE LEARNING EXPERIENCE OF THE SPORT.

Losing a game can actually bring your team closer together and requires HELPS YOU LEARN TO you to accept failure.

and thus THIS helps me to study for my test.

As for prompt responsiveness, you need to represent the reason why you are proud of this activity. For example, you can say something like your team won a competition while you were team captain or something similar.

Thank you both for your helpful responses!

I have revised it a bit and would like to know what you think of it now:

Volleyball has always been my passion since I can remember. We won regionals twice while I was captain and it is one of the things I am most proud of, but what I have really learned from volleyball is that winning a game isn't the learning experience of the sport. Losing a game can actually bring your team closer together and helps you learn to accept failure. What may be even more important is that volleyball teaches you to function as a team, to trust and to rely on your teammates.

Volleyball relaxes me and at the same time gives me the adrenaline that I need after I have been studying for a test. After playing, my body might be tired, but my mind is more focused than ever, which helps me to study for school afterwards.

To me, all of this makes volleyball much more than my hobby.

Valerie, if we were to use percentages to judge how well you responded to the prompt, you would get a 25 % total score. The minute you said you were proud you led the team to victory as captain, you got on the "proud" boat, but somehow got off the boat before it could set out to sea. The rest of your response was just not applicable.

What you have to do at this point in your essay is discuss all of those personal reasons for enjoying basketball into a reason why you are proud of it. Show the reviewer that you learned lessons from playing the game and that you became proud of learning those lessons because it helped you become a better person. Then you can maybe compare your attitude before and after you learned the lesson.

In the closing paragraph or sentence, don't say that volleyball relaxes you or anything else personal along those lines. Instead, talk about your future as a volleyball player and make the reviewer believe that you are looking forward to more "proud" moments on the volleyball court as you continue to improve your personal traits, and grow your talent as a player. That would be the best way to close out this kind of statement.

Valerie, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

- Volleyball has always been my passion sincefor as long as I can remember.
- proud of, buthowever, what I have

- adrenaline that I need after I have been studying for a test.
- After playing, my body mightmay be tired,

- To me, all of this makes volleyball is much more than mya hobby.

I made a few corrections on your essay, I hope it helps.
What I notice is your direct response to the prompt, this is a very good trait of a writer specially because you have a prompt to answer.

Some writers would add a lot of sentences which may be confusing to the reader or can mislead the direction of the essay, being direct will avoid confusion, this also gives you more space to write an essay in response to the prompt.

Good luck and keep writing.