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"the patient's life" - Common app Short Essay


PBP 3 / 9  
Aug 9, 2012   #1
The prompt was to talk about one of your extra curricular activities.

The summer before my senior year I started an internship at the New England Baptist Hospital in Boston. I have always been intrigued by surgery. The idea that someone can manually fix a problem is fascinating to me .I expected to be around the operating room, the majority of the time I was in the hospital ;however, that was not the case. I was placed on the nurse's floor and I was disappointed. Some of my responsibilities were filing patient charts, discharging patients, and offering water and blankets to patients. I felt that my contributions to these patients seemed trivial compared to those of the nurses and doctors and it frustrated me that I could not do more to help the staff members and patients. But, as the weeks progressed my attitude towards these responsibilities changed. I realized how much of a difference I made in the patient's life by just offering water and how much the word "thank you" meant to me. This internship allowed me to think of more than just myself, which is why I have decided to pursue a career in health care.
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Aug 10, 2012   #2
One thing that has always intrigued me is surgical procedures

I think this one is better.

solveraise a medical problem

I have always been intrigued by surgery. ( One thing that has always intrigued me is surgical procedures). The idea that someone can manually solve a medical problem is fascinating to me

u can combine these two sentences as one. connect them using the words "because", "since", and the like.

I expected to be workingworkaroundin the operating room , but I was spending the majority of my time wasspent elsewhere .

compared to thoseotherof the nurses and doctors.

It frustrated me thatsince/as I could not do a crucial/vital taskmore to help the staff members and patients

U wrote only one line to show that u liked your responsibilities at the hospital and the main part of the essay was allocated to the fact that you wrongly thought about what you did. You should talk more about the things that you learned during that period of time. Limit that part of the essay that you had a wrong attitude toward the job to only one sentence and elaborate on the positive aspects of it.
mforero333 3 / 5  
Aug 10, 2012   #3
I agree with Ahmad. I don't think the negativity is needed, especially since the people reading these essays are so picky- they may perceive you as a negative nancy (: Just... shorten that bit a little and focus more on the positive and what you learned that leaned you towards healthcare. good luck!


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