So this is my essay for my Peace Corps application. This is only a rough draft and grammar is rough at the point. I am focusing on main themes and flow. Let me know what you think/ if you think I would make a good candidate!
Prompt: Peace Corps service presents major physical, emotional, and intellectual challenges. In the space below, please provide a few paragraphs explaining your reasons for wanting to serve as a Peace Corps Volunteer and how you plan to overcome the various challenges associated with Peace Corps service. This essay is the writing sample Peace Corps uses to assess your professionalism and maturity as a candidate. Please spend time editing your essay/writing sample (less than 500 words).
Essay:
June, 10 2007 - I sat quietly in my cap and gown in an uncomfortably warm auditorium. "Michael Andres Cook" the announcer began as I received my diploma. I began to shake hands as the announcer continued, "voted by his class as most likely to live in another country." This sounded like a lofty goal in the distant future as an eighth grade graduate. Now a senior at the University of Wisconsin, Peace Corps offers me this and much more.
Although I've been abroad numerous times for internships and family visits to Colombia, I've never been able to dedicate myself to creating change, however small or large. I strive to become a PCV so I can apply my education to improve the lives of a community. I look forward to living modestly and creating sustainable health changes in a community during the adventure of a lifetime. Many ask why I don't continue local service. I respond, "Only Peace Corps offers me intense cultural immersion where I can be a positive American ambassador while learning about myself and a different culture."
Being able to share my stories and pictures between my hometown and Peace Corps community will hopefully influence others to learn about our global community. These international experiences can change an individual's thought process; moreover, they have the potential for creating peace, small and large.
But what makes the journey meaningful are the challenges encountered. I began to think of physical complications: weather, sickness, and extreme discomfort I've been fortunate enough to avoid throughout my life. As I considered applying more seriously, I pondered various emotional challenges: missing my family and their milestones, feelings of alienation and loneliness, living in a metaphorical fishbowl, and two years away from everything I know. I wondered, How will I apply what I've learned while respecting cultural norms? How will I function without an app-for-that? Will my community like me? Can I handle the extreme death-rate of developing countries? These questions have made me deeply consider my success as PCV and planning will make this difficult and rewarding adventure possible. Ongoing preparation and communication with family and friends will create a smoother transition.
My flexibility and adaptation have been proven by motivation and commitment during extreme weather, sickness, and sleep deprivation. I'm creative and live for a challenge. I'm willing to step far outside my comfort zone to form new comforts away from home by trying something new: a new cuisine, way of life, and a second family! Most importantly, I understand I will not be instantly successful and I remain positive and committed until success.
Gaining trust within the community will be the greatest challenge. Learning the language and customs as early as possible will be the first step. Further, I've learned that trust forms when a community and culture is shown the respect it deserves. One must completely embrace and follow their way of life at all times with all preconceived notions aside. Trust formed, I hope to share my skills while my community enriches me.
I am aware the Peace Corps won't be easy. These difficulties and hard times will be worth new culture, learning, and enriching myself. Living with, learning from, and serving people in need is one of my greatest passions and I know I am ready for the challenge, because even one life changed is an opportunity for a better tomorrow.
Words: 565
Thanks!
Hi macook3! I'm EF_Season and I'm here to help you with your essay today. First, I LOVE the way you began this essay by relating your 8th grade self experience. I would have liked to see that experience return near the end of the essay (and maybe even briefly in the middle)--in theatre we say that three times is a charm in storytelling so if you intend to involve a motif (8th grade you), then having it relate even in a word or two all the way through the essay is useful to help you maintain the reader's attention.
Since you're more interested in flow/themes, I will comment on these things as opposed to grammar for now, okay? Your essay left me with a few questions, mainly about the accuracy of your language to convey what you intend. Here is an example of what I mean. You write:
"My flexibility and adaptation have been proven by motivation and commitment during extreme weather, sickness, and sleep deprivation."
How can flexibility and adaptation be proven by motivation? What did you DO to become flexible or adapt? What motivated you to do so? How can you be committed to extreme weather, sickness, or sleep deprivation? Again, what did you DO during these instances. I know you have few words; however, providing examples is often much more useful (i.e. your 8th grade self) than simply stating empty phrases--I don't know what or how the words you use in this sentence apply. Instead tell your reader about a moment when you WERE flexible and had to adapt due to weather, sickness, or sleep deprivation...
Another fleeting thought I had (and this may NOT be the case in your instance, but you should know that your reader COULD think it) was that "sleep deprivation" because of an upcoming exam (etc...) is a very different experience than sleep deprivation due to extreme poverty, etc... Keep this in mind as you write. You seem to be aware of the privilege you do have but sometimes, even those of us who are aware, make assumptions.
"will be worth new culture," --Do you mean will be worth learning a new culture? Understanding a new culture? You're missing a verb in this instance.
" because even one life changed is an opportunity for a better tomorrow" -- Here is probably my biggest question for you. My area of expertise is ethnography (examining other cultures) and a major fallacy is that people from developed countries can go into "underdeveloped countries" and "save" the people there. If you're applying for the Peace Corps, I'm sure it's unlikely that you feel this way; however, the quoted piece from your writing here suggests that you plan to swoop in and save the day. Be careful with statements such as these (unless you mean YOUR OWN life changed, in which case, you should clarify). Okay?
I hope this helps. I'd be curious to see how your essay develops! Good luck to you, EF_Season.
