'Peer Advocate' - (Applying to Emory and UM as a Transfer Student)

Topic: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

I can't begin to describe the feeling I get when helping a student plan for their future and contributing to their academic success. Conveying the importance of education and achieving one's maximum potential has become a part of my everyday life. Peer Advocate is an organization that assists first-year college students in developing the skills necessary for academic success. Each advocate is assigned mentees and it is the advocate's responsibility to assist them in educational planning and be a source of motivation for them. I looked into joining Peer Advocate because I wanted to share advice and my motivation for pursuing a college degree with other students. One of the most important aspects of this organization, to me, is being able to familiarize students with college resources. I believe that knowing where to find information and receive help is imperative to success in college. At the end of the fall semester, I was chosen by the director to become a lead advocate for next semester. They have the added responsibilities of leading bi-weekly meetings and monitoring other advocates, as well as mentees. This organization, along with the required leadership class that went along with it, has helped me grow as an inspirational leader for others. Being a part of this organization has made this past semester very rewarding and I'm excited to see what next semester has in store for me.

I need to cut out some things because I'm 407 characters over the limit. Also, I feel like it's not very interesting. Any input will be very much appreciated. Thank you!

i would totally agree with you that it is not the most interesting one :L)
you should write it more personal and try on writing better hook at seems to be boring as you read the first line.
It is a little bit wordy can make it shorter by and have the same meaning at the same time just use different words
Hope this is helps :)
good like with your aplication

I can't begin to describe the feeling I get whenI help a student plan for their future and contribute to their academic success.

Conveying the importance of education and achieving one's maximum potential has become a part of my everyday life.
You could say it like this: "My goal is to convey the importance of education and show others how to achieve their maximum potential."

Each advocate is assigned mentees and it is the advocate's responsibility to assist them in educational planning and be a source of motivation for them.

This is slightly repetitive considering what you say in the beginning of your essay.

I believe that knowing where to find information and receive help is imperative to success in college.
This is stating the obvious, use your limited space to explain exactly what you did in that position.

Being a part of this organization has made this past semester very rewarding and I'm excited to see what next semester has in store for me.

You could also say it like this: "I intend to use the skills that I've learned from this experience to continue helping students in the future (next semester?)"

Thank you both! Below is the revised version. It's 993 characters; let me know what you think!

I can't begin to describe the feeling I get when I help a student plan for their future and contribute to their academic success. My goal is to convey the importance of education and show others how to achieve their maximum potential. Peer Advocate is an organization that assists first-year college students in developing the skills necessary for academic success. I looked into joining Peer Advocate because I wanted to share advice and my motivation for pursuing a college degree. One of the most rewarding aspects of this organization, to me, is being able to familiarize students with college resources, as it is imperative to college success. At the end of the fall semester, I was chosen to become a lead advocate for next semester, in which I will be leading meetings and monitoring other advocates. This organization has helped me grow as an inspirational leader for others. I intend to use the skills that I've learned from this experience to continue helping students in the future.

I go to University of Miami and I think that one thing this school really appreciates is diversity and interesting. You should simply add a personal touch to your story to make it more appealing to someone's emotions so they can actually feel how much you have helped student through this program and in turn how it has helped you. The more personal the better because it will set your application apart. Good luck!