Penn State Activities Essay! Tell me if I should include more or revise it!

One of my favorite activities that I enjoy most is being a part of the National Honors Society. This organization requires high academic standards, will to help, and giving back to the community. Members are required to complete a total of 35 community service hours through two years. While participating in other community service projects, I took it upon myself to prepare food for those less fortunate. I did this through my church and spent about two hours every week preparing a dish to then send to a shelter in a local town. I am also a part of the Robotics team. We compete in two events every year and must work together to build the robot. Since I am the programmer I have to communicate with the whole team on what their goal is for the robot to execute. I have been working at Bruster's Real Ice Cream for over a year. This job has taught me many valuable benefits like how to work together as a team with others, how to be compliant with customers, and how to lead. The best part about working at a place that sells ice cream is it makes people smile! They could be having a bad day but when you greet them, welcome them, and give them their ice cream it always brings a smile to their face. I also enjoy sports. I am in an intermural basketball league in the summer and winter, while also playing Ultimate Frisbee. Keeping me busy and involved brings the most joy out of me. I like challenges that require me to solve. I would love to continue doing these things during my time as a college student.

Marco, as a listing of your extra curricular activities, I have to say that this is a very interesting list. It shows a diverse interest on your part and a willingness to do what you have to do in order to become part of a community. The only problem that I have with your essay is that you don't really develop the ideas or reasons for your active participation in these activities.

If you would please divide the activities into topic paragraphs so that you can offer a discussion of your participation in it that covers at least 3 sentences, you will be able to create a better representation of why these activities matter to you. It will also make it easier for the reviewer to follow the flow of your essay. It is important to build up your image as a civic minded person who knows how to work with a team.

The purpose of this essay is to have the reviewer understand where your interests lie outside of the academic world. So you have to take him into the world with you. Try to expand upon the positive influence of these activities upon your person. Let him know what kind of person you were before you became civic minded. What other fun activities do you enjoy?

While these extra curricular activities are notable for the reviewer, try to show him the fun side of your personality as well. Do you engage in any sports or hobbies that are just for fun and not for learning or the good of the community? Try to discuss your simple enjoyable activities as well so that the essay can have a well balanced view of how you spend your free time :-)

- One of my favoritethe activities
- that I enjoy doing the most is
- being a part of the
- I took it upon myself to preparethe responsibility of preparing food
- a dish to then send to a shelter in a local town.
- sells ice cream is that it makes people smile!
- Keeping me busy and involved brings theut most joy out of meto my life .
- I like challenges that require me to solve something .

Marco, I believe you have elaborated the activities you enjoy doing in this essay, should you have any hobby or anything that you would like to try later on, you might want to include that too, check if the Penn State has any field or space for other activities that you think you want to be involved in like lawn tennis or any sports that you haven't tried, this is a good way to incorporate the school in your essay.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope I was able to help.