Hi I'm Alan. This is my UC Prompt 1. My first language isn't english. I'll be appreciate if someone could help me on fixing my grammar mistake. Also, give me some advice on the contents!!
UC Prompt 1
Describe the world you come from- for example, your family, community or school and tell us how your word has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
People around me always consider me as a bird of a different feather. Born in a traditional Asian society that expects everyone to be obedient to the elders like a formula, one input one output, which exceptions are prohibited. I used to go to a conventional Taiwanese element school; students were like cage animals, they follow the meaningless instructions without considering the accuracy of it. Like the formula would lead me to success, regardless of it, I felt I'm just a machine that follows the formwork of the last generation. However, this have a great contrast between my personalities. According to my parents' open mind family education, I have the habit of keep asking why on everything I interact with in my daily life. I like to seek for challenges. Moreover, I consider myself as an extraordinary person I've never seen before because I always come up with unusual but creative ideas and thoughts that surprise others. While I'm in the school, all I felt was depress and confused myself, living without spirit; I couldn't have my own opinion.
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Alan, what you wrote is a personal statement, not an essay about the world that you come from. While there are points in your essay that touch on that prompt, the overall essay does not fully describe the world you came from and how it helped shape your vision. The reason that this happened is that you included a few statements that do not relate to the prompt. The paragraphs that I am referring to are as follows:
Furthermore, ...
Once you remove these paragraphs and then develop more paragraphs around describing how your world made you feel restless and depressed. Then use that emotion to describe how you slowly realized that you were being stifled in Chinese schools so you developed a desire to break free and study where you could enjoy freedom and a sense of self that was not influenced by your traditional culture and tradition. This is not an essay about wanting to become an architect. That is not the question being asked. You are being asked to describe how the world that you came from helped you to become the person that you are today. So any references to your chosen major does not have a place in this essay.
Thank you Louisa Mae! After reading your comment, I believe that your point is right. I miss the point of the essay. I'll fix it to the right direction！
ps Can this essay fit the personal statement for PSU.
The topic is listed below. Thanks again.
Personal Statement - Please tell us something about yourself, your experiences, or activities that you believe would reflect positively on your ability to succeed at Penn State. This statement is your opportunity to tell us something about yourself that is not already reflected in your application or academic records. We suggest a limit of 500 words or fewer.
You can use this essay for that prompt Li-Wei. It pretty much answers all of the prompt requirements about how you can succeed at Penn State. I would advice you to strengthen your positive attributes as a student though in order to highlight your ability to perform well academically. You should also present a more positive outlook on your social activities at the moment so that you can portray yourself as a socially well adjusted person whose drawbacks in life only meant more success instead of obstacles that you had to overcome. If you would like to have a try at restating the essay for the new prompt, I would be more than happy to help you polish it :-)
Hi Louisa Mae ! Here is my revision of my essay of the topic for Penn State. Can you please help me polish it ! Really appreciate! Thanks
Personal Statement - Please tell us something about yourself, your experiences, or activities that you believe would reflect positively on your ability to succeed at Penn State. This statement is your opportunity to tell us something about yourself that is not already reflected in your application or academic records. We suggest a limit of 500 words or fewer.[/b]
People around me always consider me as a bird of a different feather. Born in a traditional Asian society that expects everyone to be obedient to the elders like a formula, one input one output, which exceptions are prohibited. I used to go to a conventional Taiwanese element school; students were like cage animals, they follow the meaningless instructions without considering the accuracy of it, like the formula would lead me to success. Regardless of it, I felt I'm just a machine that follows the stereotyped of the last generation. However, this have a great contrast between my personalities. According to my parents' open mind family education, I have the habit of questions everything, and like to seek for challenges. Moreover, I consider myself as an extraordinary person I've ever seen before because I have a creative mind and ingenious thoughts, which always surprise them. While in the traditional school, all I felt was depressed and confused of myself, living without spirit; I couldn't have my own opinion. All I could do is following the worthless instructions, memorized the stubborn textbooks and get a limited mind.
Luckily, my parents' found out this problem, and transfer me to a bilingual elementary school. That's where I grown my confidence and set up my mind of studying abroad. At there, my daily life became more interest and joyful. I was so cherish of having this opportunity, so I always try to keep myself in the best condition, learn as much as I can and be more independent, which prepared myself for studying abroad. Teachers there treat my personality positively; they give me spaces to fully develop my surpassing mind. More importantly, once more I could pick up my interest in drawing or other art relative works. It's where I ultimately develop my enthusiasms in the field of art. I could fully express my thoughts and ideas either on drawing or any other materials; I could even freely discuss my opinions with my teachers and gain useful suggestions without any barrier.
Furthermore, with these drawbacks in my life, this only means more success on my life career. I started to strengthen my skills and abilities in art, such as drawing on paper or even by computer software. I've interacted more with materials, which gives me a more practical understanding on them. I'm confident that this could only benefit me in my future study, architecture. In the recent years, the used of materials has become a significant key point in architecture. The trend that initiates green materials, and green architecture, are a main key on success in the future.
Staying in Taiwan, a narrow view and mind-limited place, could no longer satisfy my eager of learning more knowledge about the realm of architecture. I've discovered the resources in Taiwan couldn't satisfy me. The faculty and facility in Pennsylvania State University are what I'm looking forward to willing to spend my college years. Having this honorable opportunity, no doubt, I would make it valuable and not put my talents and this opportunity to a waste.
Li-Wei, I managed to come up with 338 words. See if this works for you. Feel free to use or rephrase it to suit your needs :-)
The people who know me have always considered me a bird of a different feather. Being born into a traditional Asian society where obidience to elders is demanded, along with social prohibitions, the fact that I always bucked at having to follow tradition made me stand out. Even at school, where everyone was expected to act like an automaton, I found myself questioning anything and everything that I could. I just could not fit into the stereotype of an Asian youth. I love challenges, I have a creative mind, and I tend to speak my mind. These were traits that were stifled in my school and left me feeling depressed and confused. I had a broken spirit since I could not even voice out an opinion of my own. I was forced to be what I was not, a subservient student.
Spotting my emotional difficulties at school, my parents transferred me to a bilingual elementary school where I developed my confidence and enjoyed the freedom to be who was was in an accepting atmosphere. I was now free to ask questions and develop my interests. It was here where I learned that if I wanted to learn more, I would have to leave my country and study abroad, where I would be free to follow my interests without being questioned or held back by tradition.
It is because I am not a typical Asian student that I know I will be successful at Penn State. A U.S. education means that I will be free to finally become more than my society perceives me to be. I will be able to achieve more because my stifled spiirit will finally have the freedom to soar, explore, and learn without fear of repercussions. Penn State offers me the opportunity to leave the Asian narrow minded educational system in favor of becoming a unique individual. All of my life experiences have combined to offer me the best traits and abilities to become successful during my stay as a student at Penn State.
Thanks Louisa Mae! This has help me alot!
