I hope some people can help with my two essays for the UC App! Please note that some of the words have been taken out for privacy reasons.
#1
Prompt:
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I came to _______, California when I was around two or three years of age and ever since then I have also been going to Japan every single summer. So I have two homes, one here in sunny California and the other in ______and ______.
Even though it is pretty special to be a Japanese American, I cannot help but view it negatively mostof the time. I do not know where I fit in the world. Despite being full Japanese, people tell me I look "wasian" or Filipino or even Mexican. My knowledge of the Japanese language is limited. Although my parents were born and raised in Japan, my family celebrates all the American holidays.
It seems like I am always caught in the middle. I am the second child of three. My culture is a blend of American customs and Japanese customs. Heck, even my room is in the middle of the house.
Sometimes being in between everything means being overlooked and going unnoticed. My parents give their attention to my brothers because they are the extremes. With my older brother seeming to excel in every subject and my younger brother causing a bit of trouble, I am the perfect intermediate. Often, I am content with that. There are many times that I am glad to be in the middle. There is no one to bother me or criticize me of my mistakes. On the other hand, there are times where getting praise from my parents would help, yet they fail to do so.
This is the main reason I feel like a wallflower most of the time.
I have a soft voice. It is not squeaky or sharp so even though I can be talking at a normal level, my voice does not carry. Thus quickly losing the attention of others or not even getting a person's attention is common for me.
Being surrounded by this environment, it has made me want to have an actual voice. One with which I can motivate the people in this world to be more respectful of others and less judgemental. One with which people will actually want to listen to what I have to say. One with which I feel important.
Prompt # 2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
#2
It was two school lunches a month and that was it. Being in elementary school, my mother's word was final. No matter how much I begged the deal was that I could pick two school lunches to buy every month and the rest of the days I had to bring whatever my mother packed me. My family was not poor enough to get a discounted or free meal plan, but at the same time we were not rich enough to pay the $2.50 for a hot school lunch everyday. Other kids, like my best friend, could afford school lunches more frequently. I was envious of them but every month I planned out when I would buy lunch so that I could get the biggest bang for my buck.
When I got older, I still had limited amounts of money I could spend. I loved the beauty of fashion and makeup, but I could only afford a few things with the extra money I had. So I got creative and most of the things I have now are used in multiple ways. My scarves are used as vests, skirts, and wraps. I see second hand shops with new materials to work with, not as piles of dirty old clothes and useless trinkets. I came to know which stores had the best sales and when the best deals came around. Soon thrift stores and drugstore makeup became my best friends and I started posting videos on _______. I showed people different ways of using their single curling iron for different hairstyles and ways to shop smart. I did not need a bunch of high end, overpriced products to get the same look as a celebrity. Every time I got feedback, I was excited. It made me happy that I could help my 395 subscribers-a small yet meaningful audience-with my ideas.
In the future, I want to apply my creative thoughts while pursuing my passions. Being frugal has not only made me save money, but also made me more creative as a person and a little more open minded. It made me force myself to learn new things like sewing and cooking because what I could do with my own hands made me prouder than owning a $100 shirt.
Prompt 1:
It begins off by telling your story, but you should SHOW it. Use some imagery.
It neglects to answer the prompt, you leave the reader wondering what your DREAMS and ASPIRATIONS are because all you say is that you want a voice that people will listen to, but is that your dream or your aspiration?
Prompt 2:
The first sentence is confusing. Personally, I think this prompt answers prompt 1, because it shows that you want to do something with fashion right?
Maybe for the first prompt you can say that by posting videos it let's you have a voice, even though it is only heard by your small community of subscribers, but your voice is being heard.
For prompt 2 how does this make you proud?
For the first essay,
Heck,even my room is in the middle of the house. I wouldn't use heck. It doesn't fit well in a college essay, even if the tone is casual.
My parents give their attention to my brothers because they are the extremes In the paragraph before, you talk about being on the fence between two cultures. When you say "extremes," I imagined you meant cultural. As in one brother is very westernized, the other is very traditionally Japanese. I had to re-imagine things when you started talking about behavior differences. A more clear transition between the two paragraphs would flow better.
