Hi! I'm unsure if I actually answered the question or if this is an appropriate example of a challenge to use. Thank you for taking the time to read my supplement!
Question: Historians write that Martha Washington was George Washington's sounding board and closest confidant. Reflect on a significant challenge you have encountered during your high school career. Tell us about the person (mentor, family member, friend, coach, teacher, etc.) who provides support, advice, and wisdom to you in times of difficulty.
It was opening day and I was eagerly awaiting for the incoming new girl boarders to enter through the doors of our dorm called Brick. I mean, how could I contain my enthusiasm? I have been dreaming about being a Junior Advisor since I arrived as a freshman and could not wait to start helping with transitioning and offering advice. I had already set up plans to get to know each girl personally and develop a relationship with her. But after days and then weeks went by, there were some girls I struggled to form a bond with. Maybe I was doing something wrong. So I turned to my best friend and co-JA: Adi!
Ever since Adi came in as a new girl sophomore, I knew she was the kind of person I wanted to have close to my life. So I seek advice from her often. After talking with her, I realized that even though we are their JA's, we do not necessarily have to be their go to person. Everyone is compatible to different people and the most important thing is that they have people to rely on. Whenever she gives me advice, I get a new perspective on the situation. She helps me take a step back and realize angles I never thought existed. She's a good hearted, patient and kind person and I am so lucky to have her in my life for all the little and big challenges I have and will face.
Maggie, do you have a word limitation on your response? I am wondering about that because your response is actually too short and not as informative as it can be. Your discussion of the problem could be further improved with some additional information. Maybe you can add some information about the situation regarding your difficulty in bonding with the girls to help illustrate your point. It would seem to me that adding such information will further enhance your explanation regarding the reasons why you would need a mentor or adviser in this case.
Now, when it came to discussing your mentor, you seem to have fallen behind in the discussion. You were supposed to tell the reviewer about this mentor of yours. As such, a full description of this person as a mentor, friend, and confidante, along the lines of Martha Washington is in order.
The main problem that I can see with the way you discuss Adi in the essay is that you did not really give the reviewer an insight into the kind of person that Adi is. What makes her special? How do these characteristics make her a good mentor in your mind? You need to first describe Adi as a person, then move on to expanding that explanation into her actions as an adviser to you, then eventually, as your own mentor in the JA setting. We need to know about her special abilities, analytical skills, and anything else that may have led her to become an influential person in your life.
It is only after you discuss those points pertaining to Adi that you can move on to explaining what it is that you learned from her and how her influence has helped you develop your skills as a JA and encouraged you to further evolve in your personal life as her friend and confidante.
Thank you for your feedback! Yes, I have a 250 word limit and my supplement above is 249 words. I took your suggestions and changed it around, what do you think?
Honest, positive and authentic are just a few of the many words that pop into my head when I think about my best friend Adi. She is the main person I turn to whenever I need advice and support. She is never afraid to be truthful about her opinions on a situation or to disagree with me and share differing views, which is the best way that I have been able to grow as a person.
When we were co-Junior Advisors in the same dorm and I was super excited to develop a relationship with each girl and help with their transition and offer advice. However, months past and there were two girls that I could not form a bond with. I became worried I was doing something wrong that made me inapproachable. I knew Adi was going to give me a straight answer to my concerns so I turned to her for help.
Whenever I seek her out for advice, she always takes a few hours or days to fully form her response. Her patience to take the time to fully understand a situation and think about different perspectives and possibilities is admirable. After talking with her, I realized that everyone is compatible to different people and the most important thing is that they have people to rely on. She always helps me take a step back and look at the situation from the outside. I am so lucky to have her in my life for all the little and big challenges I have and will face.
Honest, positive, and authentic are just some words that I immediately think of about my best friend Adi.
When we were co-Junior Advisors in the same dorm ...
This is confusing, what do you mean?
She always helps me take a step back and look at the situation from the outside looking in .
Hi Maggie :-) Well, this is a much improved and definitely more informative essay that accurately represents the prompt. Your description of Adi as a best friend and adviser gives a clear understanding as to why ou would consider her your go-to person for any difficult situation. That said, I think the essay can use some grammar improvements and editing at this point. Let me help you out with that below:
Honest, positive and authentic are just a few of the many words that pop into my head when I think about my best friend Adi. She is the main person I turn to whenever I need advice and support. She is never afraid to be truthful with her opinions or to disagree with me when she has an opposing view. These are her best qualities that have helped me to evolve as a person.
We were once Junior Advisers at the same dorm, where I had a problem with relating to 2 girls under my mentorship. I knew that the time had come to approach Adi for her unique analysis and advice as to how to remedy the situation. I knew she would give me the straight and truthful answers that I needed.
In typical Adi fashion, she took a few hours to analyze the situation and rationalize the different scenarios. She decided that it was most likely a compatibility issue. So she suggested that I take a step back from the situation so I could try to solve the situation using an outsider's perspective.
Her advice helped me better connect with the girls. I honestly do not know if I would have been able to successfully analyze the situation if I did not have Adi to turn to for advice and perspective. I am so lucky to have her in my life for all the little and big challenges I have and will face. (245 words)
Feel free to use this version of the essay either as is or as a template for your revision. Your revised essay just needed some polishing and content revision in order to make it work better. Let me know if I can help you with anything else related to this essay :-)
Kerry-Ann,
Thank you for the feedback! If you confusing part is about what a JA is, let me explain: I go to a boarding school and come junior year I applied to be a junior advisor who help incoming new people transition to the boarding school life and such. Kind of like an RA in college. But sometimes I forget to explain that part!
Louisa,
Thank you for all your help! I really appreciate it!
Nice work! I think it would be valuable to be more concise in your writing. Since you are only allotted 250 words, being concise will give you more space to add more information.
Thanks for the suggestions John!