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Syracuse Supplement: Who is the person you dream of becoming...?


langeles 1 / -  
Sep 10, 2013   #1
Who is the person you dream of becoming and how do you believe Syracuse University can help you achieve this?

I dream of becoming a person who is innovative and a person that is able to think for myself. These strong qualities appeal to me so that I will have the ability to defend those who cannot defend themselves. It is unfortunate that in today's times, people have yet to recognize their ignorance and continue to feel entitled and superior to others. I hope to educate the world that there is no difference between man and woman, black and white, gay or straight. I strongly believe that we are all equals and the backgrounds that we come from only makes us stronger together. Last spring, I was honored as the recipient of my school's Syracuse University's Book Award. I was delighted to know that my peers and teachers acknowledge both my academic and community achievements. Along with this extreme honor I also received the book, Off the Beaten Path, written by Syracuse' native and alumni, Ruth Colvin. Colvin is a prime example of a strong willed woman, who embraced Syracuse's Scholarship in Action mission by creating her non profit organization, ProLiteracy Worldwide. Through her organization she was able to unite different strengths in order to disclose the problems of illiteracy in the world. Alongside its impressive list of alumni, its many prestigious schools including the SI Newhouse School of Communications and the Maxwell School of Citizenship and Public Affairs, I have no doubt that SU will shape me to able to reach out to my global community and into the determined and selfless woman I hope to become.
yosh503037 12 / 22 2  
Sep 13, 2013   #2
Hey Laura,

The essay is pretty good so far, yet there are some key things that you may want to consider as you refine the essay. First, to get the positives out the of way, it definitely seems as though you are very interested in Syracuse, mentioning specifics about the college and such. Yet, the main problem with the essay, as I have said in some other posts I have done, is what, at times, it reads as though it were an essay without a voice, which is not exactly what you want. This is only really a problem (for your essay) in the beginning sentences. The essay should instead make a fluid story conveying the same ideas in a more poignant manner. As a result, here is how I would start off your essay (if this were true: I don't really know if it is. This is solely for the sake of providing you with an example of how I would advise an essay to be written). Also, if you are a humorous person, don't be afraid to convey that in your essay!

Revised: Opening up the grandly wrapped presents under a Christmas tree, most shriek of delight after revealing a hidden iPod or video game. Me? Pulling out a stack of books from my box, I began to beam of sheer excitement. Books have allowed me to explore worlds that I have never seen or could never exist or fly alongside Bean in Ender's Shadow: the possibilities are endless. After exploring such books, I began asking meandering questions and viewing the world in a way that I am both as appreciative as a child can be and amazed in a way that I am not sure I can explain. It is unfortunate that in today's...

The green part is where, I believe, you can put the rest of your essay. Hope that helped! Also, it would be great if you could read one of my essays as well and give back any feedback!
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Sep 20, 2013   #3
I dream of becoming a person who is innovative and a person that is able to think for myself.

... For me, the latter part is not very clear. I feel you better improve it.

I hope to educate the world that there is no difference between man and woman, black and white, gay or straight.

... This line gives us the impression that you are against any sort of discrimination. However, this is not the quality described by early part of your response. You need to have all ideas connected to one another well.


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