'Being a pharmacist will help me help others' - Why I chose UCF?

Please read my essay and tell me what I need to fix. I am going to send my application in very very soon (like in a week) and I wanted to make sure that everything is good. Be harsh if you need to! Thank you!

Question: Why did you choose UCF?

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Out of all the universities in Florida I knew that I wanted to go to the University of Central Florida mainly because of its proximity to my family and the molecular biology program that is offered. After seeing how successful my cousin has become and how great it feels to help people I knew that I wanted to become a pharmacist. By entering the University of Central Florida molecular biology program it will help me pursue my dream of becoming a pharmacist. I've always known that when I go to college I wanted to remain in Florida and be somewhere that wasn't so far away from my family. Since a majority of my family lives around Orlando it made it that much easier for me to choose the University of Central Florida as the college that I hope to attend.

My family is the most important people in my life; they have supported me in whatever I do and they are the people that shaped me into the person I am today. As I get older I've come to appreciate them more and realize that life without them wouldn't be the same. We have dinner together just about every night, we go on family vacations, and we always celebrate the holidays together. Because the University of Central Florida is only about an hour away from my family it will be more convenient for me to visit them and I would not have to miss out on the things that are going on in my family lives. Going to the University of Central Florida will not only allow me to be close to my family but allow me to experience the college life at the same time.

One of my cousins, Christine, is currently a student at the University of Central Florida and she has told me nothing but incredible stories about the school. After talking to her I cannot wait to attend the football games nor explore the numerous numbers of student groups on campus. I am proud to be Vietnamese and I have always wanted to learn more about the Asian culture. The University of Central Florida will make it so much easier for me to do so because of all the student groups that are offered. After looking at the websites of the University of Central Florida I became very interested in the Asian Student Association. I was even able to attend their Tour of Asia with my cousin Christine in September of 2008.

For as long as I can remember, I have always dreamed of pursuing a career that would allow me to help others in some way. When I was younger while other kids were playing with their Barbie dolls and cars I was busy playing doctor dress-up. It became even clearer to me that I wanted to become a pharmacist after I have seen how much my cousin Erin loves her job as a pharmacist and how much she helps people every day. The molecular biology program at the University of Central Florida will prepare me for becoming a pharmacist and get me one step closer to my dream career.

The University of Central Florida also provides many services that I find will be very helpful to me in the future. The recreational centers and the leisure pool will help me stay fit and healthy. A free shuttle system is located on campus to make the commute from class to class easier as well. And whenever I have any medical injuries or illnesses I will be able to receive assistance at the campus Health Center.

All in all, I know that the University of Central Florida is the perfect school for me. Attending the University of Central Florida will let me stay close to my family and simultaneously experience the college life. With the recreational center and Health Center that is provided by the school I will be able to stay healthy and receive medical care when needed. Most importantly the University of Central Florida's molecular biology program will help me achieve my goal of becoming a pharmacist.

I'm sorry I was also wondering if you can give me some advice on how I can get this down to only 250 words. I am now standing at 683 words total. If there are any unecessary paragraphs and such. Thank you again!

Good evening.

A couple of suggestions:

"football games or explore the..."

In regards to the word count, remove everything that is not of absolute vital importance to the piece. Keep things like that the campus is close to your family, the programs will help you reach your goals, and that the Asian Student Association is important to you. Remove all of the detail about your family dinners, your family who love their jobs, and the second to last paragraph. Essays that have such restrictive word count requirements are designed to see if you can get to the point with still having a point.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Thank you so much for helping me with my essay and I've made the changes but I have also come up with another essay and I was wondering if this one would be better than the one before. It has a word count of 302. Thank you soo much again!

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With well over 3,000 universities and colleges in the state of Florida I was at a lost as to which school was the perfect one for me. While searching for schools I had a set criteria that I was looking for; the school had to be near my family, provide a program that would help me pursue my dream career as a pharmacist, and at the same time give me the college experience that every college bound student wanted. After doing an intensive research on all the possible schools the only one that met every criterion of mines was the University of Central Florida. This beautiful campus is located in the one place that I love the most; a place where I was born and raised in, a place I call home. Because the University of Central Florida is located in Orlando I will be able to live out my college experience while still maintaining a close relationship with my family. The best part is that the University of Central Florida offers a molecular biology and microbiology program that will help me get a step closer to becoming a pharmacist.

UCF presents just about everything I could ask for in a university. There is an on-campus gym, a Health Center, libraries, and a number of student run organizations. Because the university is located in one of the busiest towns in Florida there are more than enough employment opportunities available; therefore making it easier for me to receive an education while earning money as well. Attending the University of Central Florida will give me every chance possible to fulfill anything and everything I would want to do while I'm in college. From obtaining an excellent education to experiencing the pride that comes with wearing the infamous black and gold to a football game.

I like this second piece better. It's much more concise and to the point. There aren't as many "fluffy" details and you have a much stronger voice in this piece. Don't capitalize health center, and avoid contractions in formal academic writing as much as possible. They are inappropriate, and many professors will count down for them. In regards to the conclusion, combine the last two sentences to make one, because the last one is a fragment. "Attending the University of Central Florida will give me every chance possible to fulfill anything and everything I would want to do while I'm in college, f rom obtaining an excellent education to experiencing the pride that comes with wearing the infamous black and gold to a football game."

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

okay! thank you so much!