Can anyone tell me their honest opinion on my essay? I am a transfer student who's applying to Cornell. I want to know if my essay captivates the reader's attention or not. Any feedback of any kind would be appreciated.
Tell us what you'd like to major in at Cornell and why, how your past academic or work experience influenced your decision, and how transferring to Cornell would further your academic interests.
Here is my critiqued version of my essay:
During many years of music lessons, my mother has always told me that "You mustn't spend all day writing and practicing that nonsense." However, I am not one to settle for the mediocre. Life is an unfinished song waiting to be completed. I am a pianist, composer, and creator. Music plays a tremendous role in my life; it inspires me. I realize that every time my hands touch the keys, I feel an emotional connection to my surroundings. I am fascinated by how the birds sing with my melodious tune while I play the piano in an outside setting. While scrutinizing the plants and animals, music fills my ears with the sounds of nature. Thrilled by life itself and the beauty behind it, I have always yearned to discover more. Not only do I feel that I am a creator in the musical world, but also the natural world. Music has led me to have a passion for science. The conundrums that exist in the world need to be disclosed. I have the proficiency to unravel the wonders waiting to be unmasked. Although I am a creator of several compositions, I believe that I possess the aptitude to uncover mysteries and resolve questions in the scientific world as well. Music has helped me critically analyze my life and the world of nature in more detail, which is the reason why I want to study Animal Science.
I am as passionate about my work with animals as I am about my music. Both are challenging, yet meeting the challenges which each presents is satisfying and exhilarating. I have completed an internship working with domestic and exotic animals. I had the opportunity to work with a variety of species and used several diagnostic tools to uncover medical problems. One particular experience exemplifies my fascination with science. A severely ill Australian Terrier presented with symptoms of arthritis and anorexia. He also had a high fever. Filled with concern, I had millions of questions running through my mind. I was curious and wanted to learn more. The doctor looked at the blood sample slide to diagnose the dog. Each time I was asked to look at a specimen or slide, I was pleased, yet anxious. This time, the sample looked familiar. I was confident that I was looking at gram negative bacteria, something I had previously learned from a microbiology lab. The doctor proclaimed that this was Borrelia Burgdorfei which was indeed a gram negative bacterium. Our patient had Lyme disease. The doctor prescribed a course of Doxycycline. I realized that working in the veterinary setting felt similar to the times that I practiced piano. Just as the keys and notes astonished me and created a passion within me to learn more, my work in the clinic evoked the same passion; I was thirsty to learn and my heart ached for knowledge. My search for a challenging animal science program led me to Cornell University. The recourses at your prestigious university suit my personal interests and academic goals; I look forward to the opportunity to study at Cornell.
I know that the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences is superb and has excellent course offerings. I like the flexibility of a curriculum which gives me the opportunity to take courses that deal with a variety of animal species. Veterinarians who work in research augment the society's awareness of new diseases and cures. I look forward to the research components of the program and ponder that someday I will be that individual who makes a difference. I am intrigued and captivated by Cornell's undergraduate research programs in the Animal Science department such as "Exotic and Zoo Animal research." My past experience with exotics made me realize my interest in discovering more about these animals. Sharing my ideas and discoveries is something that I enjoy doing. It is typical for me to spend days contemplating a topic; it sparks my ingenuity. This may be related to an everyday life situation or composing my own works of art. As a pianist, I may create a piece in a matter of hours. As a scientist, on the other hand, it may take years of dedication to decipher science's mysteries. As an ambitious student, I know I possess the drive and perseverance. I want to receive a high quality education to make a difference in both the animal world and human world. By receiving an education at Cornell University, I am confident that not only would I possess the tools to be a successful veterinary student, but also obtain the competencies needed to have a fulfilling life and to benefit our society.
I switched some things around and critiqued it. Let me know what you think!
Not only do I feel that I am a creator in the musical world, but also the natural world.
--- I slightly understand the gist of what you mean, but how are you a CREATOR in the natural world?
Although I am a creator of several compositions, I believe that I possess the aptitude to uncover mysteries and resolve questions in the scientific world as well.
--- The word although signifies a contrast or a oppositional relationship and neither exists in this sentence.
***Your second paragraph is fine in terms of content but it is mostly composed of short simple sentences. Try varying format and sentence types (complex, complex-compound).
Veterinarians who work in research augment the society's awareness of new diseases and cures.
--- Augment in this context sounds weird, just use increase.
I look forward to the research components of the program and ponder that someday I will be that individual who makes a difference.
--- I think you used ponder in the wrong context. Ponder is more like wonder.
My past experience with exotics made me realize my interest in discovering more about these animals.
---- Exotic animals, exotics can't stand alone as an adjective?
Take my comments as suggestions and good luck!
Take a look at my essay, return the favor!
Hey, thanks ttkt1. I am new to this site and I clicked your username to see your last thread so I can help you on your essay. I noticed that you posted a Cornell thread two years ago. Your essay was well written and I enjoyed it. Did you get into this institution? Did you think my essay was okay? Thank you for your comments; I will critique my paper again. Oh and I have a 750 word limit, so I have to cut down.
