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Piano vs. Stereotypical Asian - Which one should I pick?



DARU03 3 / 5  
Oct 30, 2010   #1
For Common app activity essay. I've wrote about two of activities.
I love both activities and i don't know which one to pick. please help me choosing one/tell me which one is better choice!!

Plus, since it's my 1st draft, and English isn't my first language, I need a lot of help on grammar/style.

Please critique me on my grammar/style/overall.

Thank you!!

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer).

---------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------

I have been playing the piano since I was seven; therefore, I could play quite professionally for my church and several performances. However, about two years ago, I saw an orchestra performing at local theatre, and at that moment, I wanted to join the orchestra so bad. Although the piece was a piano concerto and the soloist was flawless, one piano just couldn't beat the beautiful harmony of seventy different players. That's how I started violin. I started to take some lessons, but my mother couldn't afford money for weekly lessons; therefore, I practiced on my own by watching Youtube clips. After six months, I auditioned for an orchestra, and I was lucky to make it. Now I'm playing first violin at two major orchestra, and I love every aspects of being in the orchestra. It was the time when I felt a great sense of accomplishment.

My friends think of me as a stereotypical Asian because I'm an Asian who is in Asian club. To be honest, the initial reason why I joined the Asian club is because I thought it was mandatory for Asian students. By the time, I was an immigrant from a homogenous country who couldn't even speak English fluently -I was not ready for such a diverse world. However, my friends in the club were the students like me who had overcome the difficulties that I was going through. With their help I could participate school-wide events and perfectly adapt into the new diverse society. I still feel like home when I'm in the club, and now, I want others to experience the same thing. As the president of the club now, I will help students like me to feel like home.

em2always 15 / 78  
Oct 30, 2010   #2
use the piano essay. these are my edits

(edit version)

Piano has been my instrument of choice since I was seven. I have played for my church and several local events, but tro years ago, my passion changed. I saw an orchestra(say what orchestra) performing at local theatre, (insert desciptive phrase). Although the piece was a lovely piano concerto and the soloist was flawless, one piano could not beat the beautiful harmony of seventy different players. Thus, my love for violin was born. I began taking lessons, but my mother could not afford the weekly expense. Therefore, I practiced on my own by watching Youtube clips. After six months, I auditioned for an(was is a schoo orchestra? community orchestra) orchestra, and I was lucky to make it. Now I am first violin at two major orchestras, and I love every minute of it. It was the time when I felt a great sense of accomplishment.

use more descriptions, show me dont tell me

can you edit and remark on my homelessness essay
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Nov 8, 2010   #3
two major orchestra...
What is the plural of the word "orchestra?" I think it is "orchestras."

So.. do this:
two major orchestras...

My friends think of me as a stereotypical Asian because I'm an Asian who is in Asian club. -----This sentence is good, rhythmic, powerful writing. I like this sentence a lot, and I also like the sentence that says you were "lucky to make it [into the orchestra]."

Learning from Youtube and following the interest is a great accomplishment! I'm glad you included this, because it will make people feel very impressed.

To be honest, the initial reason why I joined the Asian club is was that because I thought it was mandatory for Asian students. ----Wow, very interesting... ha ha, you are a great writer.

At that By the time, I was an immigrant from a homogenous country, and I who couldn't even speak English fluently. -I I was not ready for such a diverse world.

:-)


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