Hi everyone! I would love feedback on my supplement for Whitman College. My deadline is very soon (this friday!) so I would deeply appreciate any comments. If you need help with your essays, I would be more than happy to help. Just let me know! Thanks. -Dani
Describe an unpopular opinion you have had and why you stood (or stand) by it
Sitting in a tattoo shop with a group of friends, a needle punctured a small hole through my nose. "Oh man," I thought. "My dad is going to kill me."
At 12 years old, I shyly asked my dad if I could get a nose piercing. He immediately responded, "Hell no!" My dreams were crushed, but I held hope that I would one day have the chance. Over six years later, I stepped into an Italian tattoo shop with my friends and rebelled against my father's wishes. On my flight back from Europe, my emotions were torn. I was excited I had finally pierced my nose, but I knew my dad would be less than thrilled.
As I expected, my parents were upset. Clearly disappointed, my father scolded me for scarring my "beautiful Latina skin." My stepmom, on the other hand, was more concerned for my reputation. She criticized me for wanting such a "trashy" and "slutty" object on my face. She warned me of the consequences, "You'll never be able to date a decent boy or marry a nice man. What's next? Tattoos? Please tell me no..."
Criticism came from every end of my family. Each individual had some negative remark to say. My uncle sarcastically asked me if I had a boogar on my nose and my aunt told me it looked like a zit. For my family to judge my character based on a physical attachment was incredibly disappointing. Although everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion, my family's words were purposefully hurtful.
I persistently reminded my parents that I was a good student with the best intentions, and that I had always respected their thoughts even when I did not agreed with them. Growing up, my parents constantly questioned my likes; their words ultimately swayed my decisions. I knew my choice to pierce my nose would not affect my personality and not hurt them. I began to gain confidence and told myself to not let others bring me down- including those I love the most.
I reassured them and myself that I was no longer a little girl and could make my own decisions. I was an adult now with the ability to form my own likes and dislikes, even if my family had conflicting opinions.
In light of my experience with my family's opposition, I hope to instill strong morals in my future children and raise them to respect diversity. Learning from my family's hurtful words, I plan to respect my future children's opinions even when I do not always agree with them. Inner qualities are the most important aspects of an individual, as they are permanently evolving and ever-changing.
This is really strong, and I'm not just saying that because I went through a very similar situation with my nose ring! It is very easy for anyone to identify with, because most teenagers act on a similar impulse like this. Whether it is a tattoo, piercing, or simply the clothes we wear, we don't want to care what our parents think; but of course we grudgingly do.
The essay is well written, though it is casual and rather informal. If this is the objective, then bravo, it works well.
I began to gain confidence and told myself to not let (Not to let )others bring me down- including those I love the most.
I persistently reminded my parents that I was a good student with the best intentions, and that I had always respected their thoughts even when I did not agreed (change to present tense agree) with them
My uncle sarcastically asked me if I had a boogar on my nose and my (nose, and) my aunt told me it looked like a zit
I think you misspelled boogar, its supposed to be spelled "booger"
Apart from some minor grammar/spelling mistakes, I thought it was a pretty good experience that you used to portray your maturity, and readiness to make your own decisions, from my perspective, I think that is definitely a quality that colleges like to see. Just me 0.02 cents. Hopefully you can get more feedback before your deadline. Best of luck!
P.S I also have an essay that is due this Friday =). Please take a look at it and tell me what you think. Thank you
Any more feedback? I would love to hear more comments.
Sam- Thank you so much for your feedback! My intentions were not for the essay to be informal, but if it works well, then I'm glad. Do you think it will engage admissions officers? Is there anything I should change?
Victor- Thank you for your edits-- I never would have noticed! And I knew "boogar" looked weird haha...
I think it will engage the admission officers, but perhaps start off with a really attractive sentence describing how the process went and how they applied the nose ring. You could say that you felt a sharp prick of pain (I don't have nose ring, so I don't know really :) Overall, your essay was great!
Hey Dani,
This is Annie, thanks for commenting on my essay. It was a great help, and I will sure keep in touch with you so we both can keep on commenting on each others essay til the due date, LOL
I really like your essay, it is very engaging and to the point, I got me intrested in your life.
What I would recommand is chaning the introduction, because at first it did not hooked me in.
also change this part "I hope to instill strong morals in my future children and raise them to respect diversity . I felt like the word diversity was kind of dropped in there. I think you can find a different word to replace it. I like how you were showing us your story instead of just telling it, I think that was cool. other than that it was a great essay, I hope we both get in :)
do you have the 2nd essay done?
Thank you Annie! Any more feedback? My deadline is tomorrow so I'm hoping to get as many comments as possible!!
Is this a better opening sentence?
A sharp pain shot back into my brain, while a chill traveled up my spine. For a long second, the pain was unbearable. As the needle was removed, my nose was left with a small hole. "Oh man," I thought. "My dad is going to kill me."
