"my potential as a human being and as a scientist" - Waitlist reply.. Too colloquial?

I was trying to take a more personal/human approach but i could use some help...
any edis would be appreciated
is this way too colloquial to send to a university

(XXX) is my top choice university and I appreciate the support in keeping me as an applicant for the class of 2015. CMU is the best match for me as an individual and I believe that (XXX) will help me to reach my fullest potential as a human being and as a scientist. Studying the brain is my passion and I would love to begin my scientific exploration into the mind at (XX) University.

While Carnegie's high academic standing and advances in neuroscience drew my attention, I am much more interested in the unique college environment projected by the university. I understand that the rigorous academics are the skeleton of the school and (HS) has thoroughly prepared me, but learning encompasses so much more than books. Beyond the academics, I am interested in the learning that takes place in the halls and in between class, in student involvement around campus and in personal research projects and student discussions that range from philosophy to particle physics. I am eager to learn from the experience. College is more than a curriculum and I am more than my grades and test scores.

College is scary. However, it is equally exhilarating, like my first back flip on beam in gymnastics or my first two-and-a-half pike in dive. And no matter how much mental preparation I undergo, I will never be ready, like any other first in life, it requires a leap of faith and trust in the self. High school is summing up and all that is left is for me to let go and jump. Wherever I land there will always be something new to learn and to be discovered.

I'm no expert, but you sound real passionate about getting in. However i remember applying for uni/college and "I" think you should maybe try to elaborate on what you can offer the college, to my understanding the college knows what it can offer its students. But if you tell them what you can give them in return, it'll make them think twice about accepting you...?

I dont know, but that's what i think.. . GOOD LUCK!!

Impressive... I hope the reader is smart enough to appreciate the depth of your ideas, here...
Whenever you do a compound sentence, use a comma. That is one of the strunk and white rules of style.

College is more than a curriculum, and I am...
(XXX) is my top choice university, and I appreciate the...

While Carnegie's high academic standing and advances in neuroscience drew my attention, ---Replace this with a specific example of an event that occurred or some publication or project that was done by people to make advances in neuroscience. Know what I mean? If you refer to a specific event, place, publication, then you are being a storyteller. Everyone loves stories.

Same thing with the first paragraph. I think you can add a sentence to the first paragraph that will tell the reader specifically what your unique scientific interest is.

I like the "college is scary" thing, but it maybe should be preceded by a good topic sentence for the paragraph.

Anyway, this is great!