I still remember the day when the power of my home was cut off because my father couldn't pay for electricity. Those were my exam days. I felt terrible as I was having 10th grade final exam. I use to go out and study under the street light without letting my parents know about this.This wasn't happening for the first time. I was so shattered at heart but when I heard those cries of my grandmother who lost her husband because she couldn't pay for his treatment, I decided to be a doctor and provide free treatment to people who can't afford to pay. My grandfather's death influenced me and I started working on my goal. I went through many such situations, spent many sleepless nights and suffered alone in order to achieve success. But amazing part this journey was that I scored 2nd highest position in my 10th grade exam without any tuitions. Even after going through hard times, I never let obstacles to come in-between my dreams. My passion to be a doctor and help people, never let me down. My interest towards studies increased. My poverty, sufferings taught me the right meaning of success and made me strong with time. Through this struggle of life, I learned to indulge myself with people of different religions and even took advantage of this opportunity. Living with those people, i learned to speak many different languages like Urdu, Hindi, Punjabi, English,Spanish.
Eventually some years later, my parents decided to go America. This was a turning point in my life. My community, my parents gave me better understanding of world and shaped my views. They brought me to the land of opportunity. Usually its hard to go to private school in california especially when one is an immigrant but still my father worked hard and at some point took help from relatives to pay for my school. I am so blessed to have such parents. Since the day I came here, I started working on my dreams. I first ambition is to graduate from one of the UC. I want UC to be a part of my journey. Just like Kalpana Chawla, the first Indian American astronaut, I want to sacrifice my life in working for people. People say it's hard to go UC, I believe it's hard-work and determination that i am born with. My community has given me my aspirations and now I believe it's time to put all my effort and retain my dreams I have been living.
You have written a very nice essay here. May I suggest opening with the fact that you are an international student (or whatever your specific situation is). I found myself guessing halfway through if you were from the U.S. or not and that is a distraction from the reader. Fix that and you will make your paper much better very quickly. There are other things you can do though:
-when you list languages put English last because it stresses that you aren't a native English speaker
-when you use the abbreviation UC watch your grammar around it. You say you want to graduate from one of the UC, but it should be UC's in this case
-Make sure you answer the prompt, you have done this well but you need to connect your 2 paragraphs. Your first talks about the community and your second doesn't mention it as much.
-Finally, expplain how you felt when your electricity went out. If you go into more detail your essay will be better
Good job overall and keep up the good work
P.S. I think you wrote down the wrong prompt number because this sounds like it was written for the UC prompt #1
Ops oh yea IT was a typo
And thank you so much for suggestions
Actually in beginning I wanted to talk about my life in india and then in 2nd paragraph I started talking about how my dreams were shaped by my parents.
A last request - can you tell me how do I connect these paragraph.
M not good at this :-(
Hey I did editing to my essay and this is what I cme up with.
How's this ?
Please feel free to give suggestions,
I still remember the day when I was living in india and the power of my house was cut off because my father couldn't pay for electricity. Those were my exam days. I felt terrible as I was having 10th grade final exam. I use to go out and study under the street light without letting my parents know about this. This wasn't happening for the first time. I was so shattered at heart but when I heard those cries of my grandmother who lost her husband because she couldn't pay for his treatment, I decided to be a doctor and provide free treatment to people who can't afford to pay. My grandfather's death influenced me and I started working on my goal. I went through many such situations, spent many sleepless nights and suffered alone in order to achieve success. But amazing part this journey was that I scored 2nd highest position in my 10th grade exam without any tuitions. Even after going through hard times, I never let obstacles to come in-between my dreams. My passion to be a doctor and help people, never let me down. My interest towards studies increased. My poverty, sufferings taught me the right meaning of success and made me strong with time.
I know everyone faces challenges in life, but what makes me different from other is i learned to overcome them and used them as a advantage.Through the struggle of life, i learned to indulge myself with people of different religions and even took advantage of this opportunity. Living with those people, i learned to speak many different languages like Urdu, Hindi, Punjabi, Spanish and English. At the age of 15, I started working for community. I use to go to government schools in my free time to teach Hindi,Punjabi and English to students. I never got paid for this work but I earned great memories with those kids.
Eventually some years later, my parents decided to go America. This was a turning point in my life. My community, my parents gave me better understanding of world and shaped my dreams. They brought me to the land of opportunity. Usually its hard to go to private school in california especially when one is an immigrant but still my father worked hard and at some point took help from relatives to pay for my school. I am so blessed to have such parents. Since the day I came here, I started working on my dreams. Today my first ambition is to graduate from one of the UC's. I want one of the UC's to be a part of my journey. Just like Kalpana Chawla, the first Indian American astronaut, I want to sacrifice my life in working for people. People say it's hard to go UC, I believe it's hard-work and determination that i am born with. My community has given me my aspirations and now I believe it's time to put all my effort and retain my dreams I have been living.
