Does my essay answering the prompt? I realize this essay still lack of idea and some parts still out of place. Therefore, your feedback means a lot to me.
How will participating in the Student Education Program help you reach your career goals?
World has faced oil crisis in 2000s where the oil production is declined before deepwater drilling popularly performed. Discovery of the new oil field is one of the option to solve the problem, so does Indonesia. I want to be a part in solving Indonesian energy issues. I expect of being an exploration manager.
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Hi Masktaz! I'm EF_Season and I will help you with your essay today. I've copied and pasted it here because I believe that it might be easier to respond directly within the essay. At this moment in time, let's focus on addressing some of the English language concerns. After you've looked at those, you can revise, perhaps, and we can look more at ideas, okay?
Does my essay answering the prompt? I realize this essay still lack of idea and some parts still out of place. Therefore, your feedback means a lot to me. There are pieces of this essay that answer the prompt and pieces that might more clearly be related. I will try to help you see that as we go along.
How will participating in the Student Education Program help you reach your career goals?
World has faced oil crisis in 2000s where the oil production is declined before deepwater drilling popularly performed [How might you make this a complete sentence? Currently you have a sentence fragment and fragments are a weak way to begin your writing. . Discovery of the new oil field is one of the option to solve the problem, so does Indonesia. [Same note. Develop your sentence into a full sentence with a subject and a verb, okay?] I want to be a part in solving Indonesian energy issues. [ This is a good, clear sentence. Good work!] I expect of being an exploration manager. [You expect TO BE an exploration manager? Right? "of being" is a weak way of saying something you feel strongly about. Also, WHY do you want to be an exploration manager? What does an exploration manager do? How do the rest of your paragraphs support your desire to become an exploration manager?] (I still need another idea for the opening of my idea)
I have [a] strong desire to practice the profession of geophysics. [Why do you want to practice this profession? What about the profession excites you? Why would someone in this profession want to hire you? Go further? Could you give an example that expresses why you want to practice this profession?] I realize that there's a gap between educational institutions and industry demand, as well as intense competition to become a professional. Therefore, to contribute in energy related industries, I initiate [Word choice: do you mean "intend?" Clarify for your reader. Make sure your work choices are precise and accurate, okay Masktaz?] to gain experience as much as I can. One of the ways to prepare myself in competing ["to compete" is a much stronger way of stating what you wish to say here. Any time you can use an active English verb, try to do so. It makes YOU seem active.] industry's best is by equipping myself with the necessary skills. I have to balance my academics with my extracurricular activities. [How does this sentence illustrate that you've equipped yourself with the necessary skills? Make sure each sentence leads from one to the next in a logical manner.] Therefore, I participated in 4 student organizations such as Geophysical Engineering Student Association (HMGF), SEG Student Chapter, AAPG student chapter, and English Conversation and Debate Club (ECDC). Being involved as much as possible in student organizations is my way to learn a lot of things and contribute something. [Contribute something to what? Be specific. Do you mean to the organizations? To yourself? To society? To Exxon? etc... State precisely what you mean.]Besides , it [What is it? Again, be specific, okay?] will enhance my ability in adaptability, team work, problem solving, and obtaining valuable experience.
In addition to incorporated in the organizations, I decided to apply for ExxonMobil Student Education Program because I'm sure it would be a great opportunity to fulfill my passion by having lecture and exercise along with students from all over the world. I believe that having lecture from experts that engaging in practical exercise is a rare experience. Having practical exercises is not only significantly increase my knowledge, comprehension about geophysicist's task in oil and gas industries but also give me a glimpse of my career path that I will take. Attending this course is no only motivate me to dig expertise deeper and deeper to pursue my career goal but also give me inspirations for contributing to Indonesia's oil exploration workforce. Your closing is much stronger than the earlier part of your essay. I believe this strength comes from the fact that you state outright why you want the position and how it will help you. Do make sure you go through this section to ensure that you have complete sentences (with a subject and a verb) and that you've chosen the correct and most accurate words to convey your ideas!]
Thank you for sharing your essay! I enjoyed reading it. Best of luck to you as you revise, EF_Season
Hi again, Masktaz.
When EF_Jasmine, writes "run-on," she means a sentence that needs punctuation (or needs to be split into multiple sentences) in order to be grammatically correct.
The big question I'm left with right now is why do you wish to attend this lecture? It seems to me you spend a lot of the essay talking about your self and your own career goals but at the end of the essay, you write that you want to attend this lecture so that your chapter might benefit. Which is it? If it's both, that's okay, but then you need to more fully express throughout the essay that your goal is to learn for both yourself AND your chapter (of what?) all the way through the essay.
As for the word count: this is what I tell my students. FIRST, don't worry about the word count. Write, HERE using as many words as you need to say what you need to say. THEN you can look at cutting and refining words/phrases to reach the word count. It's usually most difficult to get your ideas on paper. But once they're there, it's easier to revise and cut--especially when you have help!
You've got a great revision so far, masktaz. I revise sometimes 10-15 times before I consider something "done enough." Writing is never complete! Best, EF_Season
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