Pratt Personal Statement - Design

Hello, my ambition is to become a product designer and I would be thrilled if I was accepted to Pratt. Any feedback you could give me would help a lot - I'm not sure if this is too short or not, there wasn't any length requirement. Thank you!

Personal Statement:
Why do you want to attend Pratt and what do you hope to accomplish from your education?

I have been heavily encouraged in both the sciences and the arts throughout my childhood. I enjoy learning how things work and figuring out how to solve puzzles, and with my father's help I've built multiple computer systems and dissected electronic appliances. I've also been enrolled in many art programs that have honed and reinforced my skills.

This last summer I took part in InnerSpark - a program that's had the biggest influence on my decision to become a professional artist. InnerSpark is an art program offered through the California State Summer School of the Arts. The program is set up to encourage students to pursue art at a college level, and is currently held at the California Institute of the Arts in Valencia. I stayed on-campus for a month and attended 6 classes 6 days a week. I was greatly inspired by the atmosphere and instructors. This program provided me with confidence in my work and an eagerness to share and contribute to society artistically.

Because of the exposure my family gave me to engineering and art, my aspiration is to become a product designer. This occupation combines my early and underlying interests in science and math with my current excitement and vigor in visual design. I believe Pratt is one of the schools that best fulfills my needs on the path to realizing my dream in product design. Aside from the study abroad program and ample amount of interning opportunities Pratt provides, I look forward to my development as a designer and thinker over the two years of foundation design courses. While I know that I want to design commercial products, I have not yet found what category best suits my interest. I hope to develop that more specific passion at Pratt.

Hi Laurel!

The first sentence, "have been heavily encouraged" part is a little ambiguous/awkward. You were encouraged by whom? Maybe you could phrase it differently into something clearer. The second sentence is a run-on sentence.. you could make it into two different sentences.

In the second paragraph, you focus too much on describing InnerSpark (almost more than half of the paragraph), rather than what you learned through the program. And give detail to the last sentence, in describing how it provided you with confidence.

In the third paragraph, you sound less independent than you are, because of the first sentence "Because of the exposure my family gave me.." Again, you could phrase it differently. :)

This is an essay that seems like it could be improved by switching the first and last paragraphs. Try to imagine the difference that you would make in the reader's experience if, right at the start, you introduce the idea of being a product designer.

I stayed on-campus for a month and attended classes 6 six days eac h week.